This is the side of life that don't tell my daughter over a Cup of tea, and over a glass of something stronger does not share with every friend, this is when your own wedding photo cut eyes, as the midday sun. Secret romance. An affair. Adultery. Black or bright spot on the soul and in the biography?
Time adultery"Forbidden" digit of the telephone number as the formula of love, perhaps the dim light of the midnight lamp, for sure, trembling hands. Extracurricular buying milk is another myth - making: "... you Know, I lied, that will stay on the job (will spend the night at Natasha, she is now so hard), but in fact... " Revelations from the spirit of the jokes about the lover in the wardrobe. The dose of adrenaline undoubtedly greater than that usually get for the money at ski resorts.
"I don't like the concept of "treason", - says Sergey Agarkov, D. M. H., psychotherapist and sex therapist. It's from the series ideological: "Remember: changing me, you change the country". In fact, the origins of non-marital Affairs is not to be found in the desire to assert themselves or to take revenge on the partner. Rather, it is a search for lost love".
According to European statistics, 70 % of men and 50 % women at least once in this life cheated on his half. Moreover, a significant proportion of the novels - the continuation of employment. There, under the fluorescent lights of the office, the man is seen in the best features, in addition to a plus - especially for men - you can go the "correct" status-official hands.
"The first danger zone adultery occurs in 2-4-year marriage. During this period, erode hormonal Fleur: the level of love hormones, endorphins and phenylethylamine falls, and the marriage turns into a everyday company, where a lot of boiled potatoes, television and children crying and so little romance.
Loss of drive, which many perceived as the loss of love. We want to understand where is the earthly Paradise, and why we don't let him go, and look for repetition of happiness in a new relationship... " - continues Sergey Agarkov.
According to family therapist Inna Khamitova, one of the common causes of early adultero is incorrect "read" sexual signals to each other.
"The fact that perceptions of sexual attractiveness we laid in early childhood: the image of a parent or close relative of the opposite sex, " she said. For example, a man was brought up by mother-homebody: warm, cozy, in Slippers and dressing gown, and the girl drilled dad was a military man, not ustavshii to remind you that the ribbon should be oglasheny, shoes polished. As a result, in the subconscious of this pair laid diametrically opposite patterns of sexual attractiveness. She runs home early to get dressed up to do makeup for the arrival of her husband, and he, seeing her "parade" takes it as a sign of rejection. Because for him, it pomaded kind of signal that we should get out of the house. Eventually went to the club with grief drunk, and the next morning she is in a Bathrobe with a sore head becomes for him incredibly attractive, but this option is not inspired by her".
Inna Khamitova agrees Sergey Agarkov, suggesting that in our culture to discuss sexual problems are not taken so much so that sometimes it is easier to find the entrance to the side. Often secret romance "zerkala" the structure of relations in marriage: "If a man brings home a woman mild behavior and puts her Bathrobe wife, this is a sure sign that the marriage is not enough flirting and sexual liberation. If he prefers to go with someone else's lady to the theater and cinema, this is evidence that the family had, but lately has become very weak socio-cultural communication".
The next time bomb explodes in the years of maturity. When sissy tracks-Bob is a magical metamorphosis: all of a sudden he becomes a respectable Nikolai Ivanovich, Deputy General Director and the object of interest of young beauties. He is looking for on the side if not the puppy's enthusiasm, some of piety, just what legitimate half is not able to provide, because she remembers his student without a penny. At the same time the woman feels that it is not so like men, as before. She is afraid to lose confidence and get into a situation of psychological and physical dependence on a spouse and to ensure that there is a "powder in the tank", is adultery. The last crisis period of marriage has for years "last" youth: "the Children grew up and separated, the nest empty, the social foundations of marriage enterprises exploded. In this situation, the novel is an attempt to jump into the last car of the train," says Agarkov.
Ceremony
We can convince ourselves that man is by nature polygamous, that Anna Karenina is a novel about the tantrum, but the early monster Basilisk, a creature with the head of a cock and the body of the toad, symbolizing in the framework of Jungian direction lust and lust, Yes, no, no and look into the eyes of the lucky ones on two houses.
Frivolous word "adultery" are feeling some serious heat. After which invariably raises the problem of moral choice. To remain silent or to confess, to stay or to leave, just to fool the wife-husband or add to a strong batch of self-esteem bar called "lying".
"Instinctive sphere dictates polygamy, and, of course, monogamy is a choice kulturno-conscious, " says Inna Khamitov. But the original laid polygamy is not a good excuse chronic adulterous. Unlike polygamy, which exists still in some Muslim countries, such novel assumes no responsibility. And if people related by marriage, easily goes on relationships, the development of which is not assumed, it is evidence of his psychological immaturity. Because instead of having to search for resources within the family, he just escapes into a new situation".
From the point of view of psychoanalysis on the side - to some extent-searching, a sublimated desire for individuation. And the first radical attempt to redefine the notion of "treason" did Sigmund Freud, explaining sexuality within the libido, energy, causes a person to action. Jung did not share the views of Freud on the dominant role of sexuality, assuming that there is a universal psychic energy that can be directed into different channels feeding among other things and sexuality. According to Jung, a variety of sexual activities, dreams, fantasies are nothing like the intense experience of the symbols of spiritual development of humanity, the search for identity and individuation. The prerequisite for this is the ability to pluralism, combining psychological antipodes, which can occur in all sorts of ways, consciously and unconsciously, through good and evil. Mysterium conjunctionis, the sacrament of communication and merging of opposites, is implemented in the not too puritanical sexual fantasies and actions. Not necessarily they are associated with warm relations, on the contrary, are often in the form of "animal" liberated sexuality.
"The path to spiritual maturity through collision with shadow, inner destructive beginning. In this context, masochistic experience ' forbidden novel" represent the experience of the phenomenon of shadows, " said the analyst Oleg Kurakin. Masochism, totally unproductive from a biological point of view, the pleasure inflicted upon himself the punishment reflects the acceptance of personality destructive and inevitable human suffering... ".
To the left and back
The novel was ended. It was an obsession, a passion, an attempt of self-knowledge, the fusion of opposites, and perhaps the impulse to self-development? Experts are sure that if something similar happened in your life, equally unproductive to look for someone to blame ("You I have little interest in, your mother is driving me insane, and that's what brought") and infinitely to execute itself ("Now I'm the creature").
In the first case, it's infantile attempt to topple the responsibility of shifting the blame. In the second case - putting the "wrong" foundations for future relationships. After all, guilt, whether we like it or not, pushes us to irritation against whose forgiveness should be looking for.
"Adultery is, of course, an escape, a temporary escape from marriage, but, in my opinion, more intelligent than divorce, " says Sergey Agarkov, - marriage forces us to rethink the situation and to overestimate the value. To some extent this charitable rain on the parched field conjugal life, where everything is safe, but dull".
He recalls that affair - though Vysokomolekulyarnye relationship with a huge release of endorphins, but their novelty and urgency has its own life cycle. Short. On average, one to two years. Further a person the feeling that he was in the second round, only, perhaps, with less recoil. Disappointment gives impulse to self-development. Over time, the passions on the side is devalued, and the runaway (runaway) of the family nest begins to appreciate what gives him (or her) marriage. Remember in the film "Love and doves": "let it be, that it was Rice-SPI yours, razluchnitsa. But look how it showed how much I love you how you love me, what kind of children are we good".
Certainly, the experience in itself is valuable. If only because it identifies errors and provides an opportunity to correct them. Of course, if the error is not the marriage itself...
The bigotry
in sexual matters is often accusing the leaders of the reformation, because they not only have advanced significant limitations in sexuality, but also acted as a role model. However, even they did not always succeed. For example, strict pastor Ulrich Zwingli of Zurich had to answer numerous accusations of profligacy, which was exposed in his youth, as follows: "I do not deny that it has entered into a relationship with so many women, but I never attempted to honor virgin and had not defiled the bed of a married person".
Lovers-recidivistsWhen adultery becomes habitual form of existence, is a serious cause for introspection. In fact, donganmen is fear of intimacy or intimofobiya. Usually the inability to build and develop relationships associated with deprivation - lack of love that people have experienced in childhood. You should not justify similar style searches "his man", a perfect partner - the ideal is unattainable. In a series of numerous links lost depth, and as a result, all relationships become superficial.
One night standAdventure for one night - a kind of adultery in the format of light. According to international research conducted in the United States and several European countries participated 5000 women and 3,000 men), two-thirds of respondents at least once in their life ventured on such experiments. The result is not impressed by the vast majority of women. But more than half of the men said that it is much more exciting than sex with regular partners. Most women one night stand happened once or twice in my life. Only 30 % of practicing this attitude every two months, and 5% once a month, and only 1 % - regularly on weekends. And yet a third of men (28 %) very low opinion of women who agree to one night stand. Women have similar feelings towards members of their own sex have 48 %. While 29 % of them say they would change for the worst attitude to her friend if she knew that she was capable of such an adventure.
Author:
Ephraim D.
Source:
Psychology in every day
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