Universal formulas requests and refusals
But all this happens only in our minds: we put in a request to do more than just asking and being refused, hear more than just the refusal. It's all projected on our attitude to the person, it is to us, it is perceived in this context. And therefore, accepting the inconvenient request that only "not to offend people", that is, to maintain a relationship with him, we are tormented and because we suffer inconvenience and misery that is within us sees an unpleasant feeling to the person, who bring us these inconveniences. We have reached the opposite result: not wanting to offend him, we resent ourselves. And the relationships we thus tried to save, give invisible crack. Who is a reliable person? Anyone who likes to provide services to other people who have a lot of extra money and have nowhere to put it? And here and there! This is a man who does not want anyone not to quarrel, but at least allow the slightest discomfort in relationships. Often this happens because of self-doubt. Somewhere in the depths of his soul sits this thought: if I fail... they will cease to be friends with me!
And the other person will sit and suffer from their helplessness (ill, was in a difficult situation), and there will be many people who gladly helped him. But as it is right now so ask for? And it is they need? And I will bother, but I refused, I would be upset. And again whispers of childhood: because if I do, they will cease to be friends with me!
But if we make the procedure itself technologically, that is, deprive and request and refusal unnecessary psychological underpinning, will remove this stress from the situation, perhaps we will become easier. After all, if man is not afraid of rejection, he is exactly 50% more capacity.
In probability theory, the prospect of a positive response to your request - 50%. If we do not ask, we ourselves these 50% favorable situations shingles.
Help me, or you'll regret it!
Of course, our culture is such that we are told from childhood that we should be strong and rely only on themselves. Why am I someone will ask? But it still will think that I am helpless! Remember textbook: "Never about anything don't ask - you will offer and give! "? On the one hand, in that particular case, Margaret, and with whom they communicated, perhaps, this strategy is correct. But from the point of view of life, even in the relations of men and women, it often does not work. First, men often don't even know that they need you to offer assistance, although they are happy when they can show their power! But in order to give them the opportunity to help, you asked. Women go on a bunch of tricks and manipulations that they guessed, without any requests. And it is about how in this parable. An elderly couple celebrating their Golden wedding. In the morning they sit down to Breakfast, the wife gets out of the oven fresh bread... And then the husband says, "Honey, we have such a holiday... Can I ask a favor... I didn't dare to ask you all our lives, even today in honor of the holiday... and you bake delicious bread! And most of all I like the crust! But I know that she likes you, because you always take... But today... can I eat? " Astonished wife said, "Honey! To be honest, I don't really like the crust! Yes and teeth are not the same. But you always took the middle, and I didn't dare to argue with you! I will gladly swap with you! It's great that we finally admitted to each other! "
In the professional field the same thing. There are people who need approval, admiration, to demonstrate their professionalism. They will gladly help, support, and share. But we need them! And Yes, this will have to admit to yourself that you are not omnipotent.
Same thing in friendship. One friend says to another: "my dog is not one to leave, Oh, I am poor and miserable, now I can't go on vacation! " The other, as an honest man should in this situation to say, "Leave her with me! " Very often we choose the path of manipulation, because I don't want to take responsibility, so we'd rather complain and spy: "And if he doesn't offer help? Here you bastard! " Instead of just go to business relationships: "You will stay with my dog, I love you, the next time a meeting at the airport".
Elena Lopukhina, classic Russian psychodrama, a psychologist, I have a lot to teach from the point of view of role relationships "Adult - Parent - Child." All this is reflected in how we ask or respond to requests.
If we ask from the point of view of a Parent, it is rather a certain order. Help me! Immediately! And this is likely to cause a negative reaction, because it puts man in the position of the Child. And the Child reacts in two ways: either pulls his head into his shoulders and will do under pressure, "has not yet begun, or will begin to show themselves, demonstrating his power: "why am I going to do. Here's another! Do! " Although if a person then to ask, it turns out that he may not be against would be to help to make.
As a joke, where one person complains to a friend: "Imagine, sent his son to study in the city, and he sends a telegram and reads it with an indignant tone: - "Dad, out of money! " There would be kindly asked: "Dad, out of money! " The first time dad read it with the intonation of a Parent, and the second is from the perspective of a Child: "Oh please, Oh come! " This is the second extreme: well, buy ice cream, well, do it!
Once with us on vacation was the girl who Vila from Pope rope. She could not ask directly: "Daddy, buy me ice cream! " It was mysterious ways. For example, we are the company man in ten, daddy - this beautiful officer, brave and courageous. And suddenly she says mournfully aloud: "it is a pity that my father no 20 rubles! " And she says all the others, not the Pope. "What do you mean? "yells dad. "Is there? Then buy me ice cream! "he meets a girl.
There are adults such, when I want to do for them something myself not to watch this creature suffers. Without money. Without a job. Without a holiday. Without joy.
But it is a long path, which may cause not the reaction we want. And the position of the Child is the most vulnerable because and worst of all, if not helped. "I've asked and asked, and I hadn't heard! " "I was hungry (not slept the night, suffered, suffered), and you never even noticed! " Like in an old movie said the little boy: "I sleep-sleep, and no one hears! "
"No" in the literal sense
The only constructive way is to ask from the perspective of an Adult, about what Elena Lopukhin and wrote. The essence of the method lies in the fact that we appeal both to the left and to the right hemisphere.
Universal formula requests
1. contact;
2. the formulation of the request;
3. rational reasoning (arguments);
4. rationale emotional significance;
5. indulgence (if denied, the relationship will remain the same).
First, the main condition: both of us - we were both all right. Secondly, I clearly say that I need. As Boris Grebenshchikov in one song: "If you want to tell me the word, try to use your mouth! " So, "I beg you to sit down with my dog! " If I just will finish on this, it will look like, "Daddy, give money! "that is on the Parent. So I will add the arguments to the left hemisphere: it's important to me because of that, and why. I need to find someone who would take care of my dog while I'm out. Then I explain why I feel this is important. Because I so want to leave but I have nowhere to put the dog, I am so looking forward to this holiday but are worried about your dog, what would happen to her while I'm away. All these emotions, that is, the arguments for the right hemisphere. And finally, a very important phrase: "If you refuse, I'll understand! "
With this formulation a person has no reason to refuse, if he really don't have a valid reason. I refuse, if I really can't: I will not be in place, or I will be at the guests.
Failure from the perspective of a Parent: "No, that's all! Who's the boss? " This position causes resentment and protest. "Why? "Yes because! I said! " The failure from the perspective of a Child: "well, with a dog to sit, that I have Affairs other not? Yes well! " The child begins to take offense and to sort things out.
The formula of "adult" failure
1. contact;
2. please;
3. a clear failure;
4. rational justification;
5. support: sympathy (I understand how you now or regret (nothing personal, it's business).
As in the request, all is well with us, we are equal and respected each other. Second, the waiver must also be clear and unambiguous. The position of "no means no" saves us from having to think about. Because we sometimes say: "I should be glad, but I have no time right now! " That hears people? "And then tomorrow you can try! " Or the man explains: "I'm not ready! " - "And when you're ready? " Or, "I think! " - "Well, every day I will ask what you are thinking". "I'll write! " - "And that you have not forgotten about me, I'll be every day to remind. And when you do I'll write? " If we never said a clear "no", it gives the person hope. We seem to have closed the door, but not until the end: before man can be heard from our room sounds, smells, tease and make again to get in the door and to tread on the threshold, instead of going farther. This position is not constructive for both. So do unless capricious beauty, surrounding himself a crowd of admirers. But it is somewhat similar to the Dynamo game, right?
Games around the failure actually can bring much more harm, including emotional than if you will explain his "no". But it's too hard object you're right.
After refusing need to argue: allergic to dog hair, a small child, Yes, in the end, frankly, if you don't love animals or are not ready to assume such a responsibility! When you do this be sure to add that you sympathize with him, but you have your reasons.
I assure you, your relationship will benefit from this, by the way, as your dog. Why do you give it to a friend who reluctantly agreed to take care of it?
Source:
Our psychology
No comments:
Post a Comment