If we are not alone and we have a partner in life, even if we are loved and love with all our heart whether we can say that they are satisfied and that brings us suffering? Are we always remain a person? Do not dissolve if we loved one so that we no longer devote time to its development, to think about their desires, to pursue their goals?
If you love to bring suffering from failure to take their shooting, such relations are called dependent.
What can you do? To live their lives or to live someone else's? First of all, you need to avoid extremes.
Two extremes that spoil us a taste of love
First - when in fear of losing themselves and their freedom, girls or women refuse to relationships in General. They understand that it is so easy to become "dependent" on another person, with the result that, because of the fear to disappear, choose loneliness.
Second - this is when relationships seem to be the only thing in life. As if nothing but them does not exist. This is when the man next to you owns your life completely, when in his hands all the way up to your mood. When you are worse than death itself is the idea that we can leave.
Comes even before that some women are willing to make a scandal if a man pays them little attention. And if it comes to blows from men - they are happy about this, because he "noticed".
Where does the desire to addiction?
This may seem strange, but this is a fairly common problem. The roots then grow from social traditions of society, where relationships are built on domination, unlike a partnership, in confrontation, in contrast to compromise on the opposition, in contrast to the values of individuality.
Society not interesting that you were independent. Think about it: we are from childhood "accustom" to the fact that everywhere has its own hierarchy. School, social institutions, the army and the work is often built on domination and hierarchy. Family is no exception.
Also the reason that you're dependent relationship, hidden in the history of your birth and development from infancy to adulthood.
The law of development is that the person needs to go through all stages of their psychological birth. Each of us gives life a certain time step, we have to go and work out in the end, a certain quality. For example, independence. If something happened a certain stage in time failed to pass, it will be in all ways seek to end, life will always throw up the situation so that the phase is completed, you this as yet developed. Train problem will be to reach out for you, requiring its completion, and the next step will fail as it should, so everything is interrelated, it is difficult and requires coherence.
So, dependent relationship is inevitable, if immediately after birth you did not take on his hands, did not provide full comfort and safety, there was no direct contact not only with parents but also with their families, who were later your education. Touch contact first 12-24 hours is particularly important. Contact skin to skin. Negatively on the mental health of the child, if the time is wasted, and it will have to make up for much longer and harder. And so full of comfort (physical and psychological) and the safety, maximum sensory satisfaction from birth and up to 2-3 years, gives the opportunity to pass the stage of dependence, and go to the office. Then the world is safe, it is possible not to be afraid and to actively explore. Not having this full of warmth and security, we unconsciously seek dependent relationship in adult relationships, only to be born as a person, as an individual.
After phase separation much more needs to happen in order to become independent, however, without passing through the first stage, it is impossible to move on to the next. So we remain dependent.
Unfortunately, self-help in this case do not work. The good news is that the problem is solved as in individual work with a psychologist and group lessons on this topic. It is also useful to solve the problem together with your partner, but only when he also realizes that the problem really is. Why you were searching for such a relationship? Then, to finish and to compensate. Remember, the most important thing is the awareness that the problem exists and that it should not be so.
That gives independence?
Award for long-term work on yourself will become your inner freedom, independence, feeling of fullness of life.The independent person is able to define and defend their psychological boundaries. Such a person is easy to be myself. He has no desire to control the listener's opinion, no painful need and desire to be desired. He is not afraid to give a bad impression - he prefers to trust their own views, perceptions, feelings and beliefs.
Become an independent person is not easy, but to be truly worth it.
Test for independence of the object of love
Put the numbers 1 to 4 in brackets before each question:
1 - never
2 - sometimes
3 - often
4 - almost always
( ) I am inclined (inclined) to take responsibility for feelings and/or behavior of other people.
( ) I find it difficult to identify their feelings, such as happiness, anger, embarrassment, sadness, or excitement.
( ) It's hard to Express their feelings.
( ) I feel fear or anxiety at the thought of how others would react to my feelings or behavior.
( ) I take to minimize problems and deny or modify the truth about the feelings or behavior of people with whom you communicate.
( ) It's hard for me to install or to maintain a close relationship.
( ) I'm afraid to be rejected (rejected).
( ) I'm trying to achieve the perfection and judge themselves harshly.
( ) It's hard for me to decide.
( ) I tend (tend) to rely on the opinions of others, and not to act at their own discretion.
( ) I tend (tend) to put the wants and needs of other people first.
( ) I tend (tend) to appreciate the opinions of others above our own.
( ) My sense of self-worth comes from outside, depending on the opinions or actions of other people who, I think, more versed in this.
( ) I find that hard to be vulnerable (vulnerable) and to ask for help.
( ) I always subjected to control or seek to control, and Vice versa, always watching, never to be responsible (responsibility).
( ) I'm too loyal (loyal) to the other, even in the case when this loyalty is not justified.
( ) I have the habit to consider the situation on the principle of “all or nothing”.
( ) I am very sensitive (sensitive) to inconsistency and mixed orders.
( ) In my life are emotional crises and chaos.
( ) I am trying to find a relationship where you feel “right” (“right”), and then try to save them.
Counting points: to get a General result, add the numbers.
To interpret your personal level of emotional maturity, use the following scale:
60-80 points - a very high degree dependent models, which is expressed in the sense of their dependence on the people stay trapped in a humiliating you, controlling relationships, low self-esteem, the need for constant approval and support from others in order to feel that you everything goes well, the feeling of powerlessness to change anything in the relationship, the need for alcohol, food, work, sex or any other external stimulants for distraction from their worries, uncertainty, psychological boundaries, feeling himself in the role of Martyr or the jester, the inability to feel a sense of true intimacy and love.
40-59 - high degree codependent patterns.
30-39 - medium codependent and/or contravening models.
20-29 - very little codependent and/or a high degree of contravening models. Independence is expressed in the ability to determine their psychological boundaries, you don't only produce a favorable impression, you can easily be yourself, don't try to control the listener's opinion, not trying to be necessary, trust their own views, perceptions, feelings, or beliefs, have good contact with his spiritual essence, confident, successful, and easily cope with the difficulties predict the situation, use intuition, live in harmony with the outer and their inner world.
Resources:
- willingness and ability to work on yourself, with your partner, psychologist or support group;
groups, classes and workshops, where you can get support from other people who are really ready to change their immature models.
trust, conscious relationship of cooperation;
psychologist who understands the essence of personal maturity and the path to the development of individuality.
According to the foreign MEDIA
Author:
Overlook
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