Someone a lot and quickly says. Someone is silent, and the words will not pull. Someone all the time on duty is smiling and it is impossible to understand what it feels actually. Someone polite and helpful. With all of them. Just in case. Someone on the contrary rude and discourteous. Also with all. And also just in case. Someone greyish mouse sitting in the corner. And someone instantly and totally attracts attention. Options - mass. But they are all screen. A curtain behind which we hide ourselves.
And here comes the time when we receive love. We are talking about conscious age, conscious love. Love, we subconsciously believe that we are loved as we are, i.e. like our personality. However, we are each other strongly demonstrated their screens, their protection. And not because we are hypocritical. But because otherwise, we do not know how. Time goes on. We get to know each other better and better. And become more confident in the relationship and the partner. And we let the person deeper, closer to our essence. Protection gradually weaken, and any shot at all.
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For example, you usually all shy with your loved ones feel comfortable. Say sincere. And at this very moment as time and risk getting hurt. Because under our chermocki hide our wounds, which are a bit touch - and they start to hurt with a Bang. At some point you can tell your loved something very personal, something that previously had no share. And he will take it quite indifferently. In the worst case - even and comment somehow failed. You tell yourself: "can't trust Anyone!!! All my life it knew how to keep his mouth shut, and why suddenly trusted? "
And what results you achieve your such conclusions? Only confirm their decision sometime in childhood. But it is wound. And as close fellowship - it is usually quite intense, figuratively speaking, you peel off the bandage covering the wound, and scratch myself every day. In these moments, relationships become farther, we are again back partner for our protection. And it has little chances to be to us really close.
And the partner however has its own song. Their hastily smeared green paint scars. And we are like two prickly hedgehog: just want to get closer to each other, as inject about thorns and razbegaetsya in different directions. And so again and again. To change the hedgehog is not a solution, because with the new barbed other everything will be exactly the same.
What is the secret? We subconsciously strive to heal our childhood wounds. We specially (though unconsciously) choose those people and draw in those situations in which we may live still in pain again. And to make other conclusions. Grow out of childhood experiences, become adults. But to go this route difficult. After all, to let go of resentment and frustration can only be accepted and lived them. And often we save even more.
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Is there a way out of this circle? How not to drown in these grievances, how to build a truly intimate relationship?
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The first step is to decide what is for you these most intimate relationship, and why you need them. To make a sort of magnet that will be to his pull. So it was worth a try.
The second is to see its protective automatic reaction. But it isn't as easy to do. These cunning animals, which primarily are hiding from ourselves. To catch them is possible only with assistance. And then to see and make friends with them. So the next time the machine in response to the criticism will want to bawl or to cry, to say "Oh! see you, my protection! Thank you protected me for so many years. Now I am an adult and want to learn how to act differently".
And third, to learn how it is different.
- We can develop in one of two directions: to go inside (the way lies through the layer of vulnerability) or going out (this is the way Refine and improve our concrete walls that separate us from others). To solve it only to us. This decision can and should be made aware. Otherwise we like the rubber band will be rocking back and forth, closer or further from the other. In any case, it is important to be grateful for our loved ones, because they help us to achieve our goal!
Source:
The Central relationship
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