One of the most frequent problems is the relationship of second wives with children from his first marriage and their mothers. Two women (first and second wives) often cannot share the man and his free time. A significant part of the negative emotions get the child from the first marriage, because it becomes a bone of contention. Today we will talk about how all stakeholders to build relationships so that children did not suffer from "adult games", and what you need to do to keep a second marriage.Each has its own placeCyril, 32 years: "I from his first marriage-year-old son, whom I at his request from last summer taken away to live with myself. The first wife was married to a man whom the child does not perceive. At that time I was already married for the second time. My wife is not happy and now said that if we will not keep your baby, then she leaves. Living in marriage two years. I'm afraid that my son will feel useless, and I'm tired of torn between child and wife".
Alena, 25 years: "Our boy one and a half years old. My husband is a second marriage and have a child from his first marriage, a girl twelve years old. We constantly fight because of her. Reason: he lives on two families, not able to say goodbye to his first wife, he constantly ringing or without cause. It seems that I was wrong attitude to his daughter, to the question, what is wrong, is silent. He works late, leaves early, and the only output requires that I did not interfere with spending time with her daughter wants to go somewhere with her. But we also need a dad and husband, I now have hysterics. The husband wants to divorce me because of his first daughter".
These two letters look from different sides on the same issue: tensions in the triangle's first wife - his second wife - man". Let's try to understand the situation, and for this we need to introduce the concept of "family system" and otherwise - kind. What is it? The family system is similar to a family tree, if you draw it on paper. It includes:
- man, whose system we draw;
all his brothers and sisters, including those born out of wedlock of parents;
his parents, their brothers and sisters and their families, and grandparents;
- spouse (first, second, third), as well as important affair, at the expense of parting with whom he formed a marriage or in which children were born (or made abortion).
So, the first and second wife as a joint family system. If you look at the drawing of the diagram (see the log), it becomes apparent that each has his place in it. Accordingly, each of the wives of their own place in the system. And children from the first marriage is also forever in its place. As well as children from his second marriage - in its place. Talking about this system, I deliberately do not use the definition of "former" wife, as to the family system there are no "former", it includes all of its members, even the dead. And the wives and husbands are there places: first, second, third. But not on the podium, but only talking about the order of appearance in it.
When people divorce, they cease to be husband and wife, but forever remain her first husband and first wife in a family system that is common to them. And they will always be parents to their own children. The laws family system are as follows: those who came later have to respect someone who has already been to it. This means that the first wife is always in its place. The second wife does not take its place, it's got its place in the system - second. If the second wife understands this, then this marriage is usually quite stable. If there is no understanding and the woman is trying to get to the place, which she does not belong, marriage sooner or later falls apart.The same situation with children. If the spouse does not respect children from his first marriage and wants children were "above" her man, then it is a great pride, which will lead to divorce. The first child is always the first. Subsequent children - their seats. Try to RAM your child to a place that does not belong to him, is to dig a hole marriage with his hands. This is a recommendation for Alyona, the heroine of one of our stories. Want to save the marriage - respect first wife, an older child. Let the husband to make a decision as to how much he communicates. Some start to panic when you hear such advice. "Yes, he's quite raspojsalsj! He will be there only if I won't hold back! "they say. But actually it is not so. If a person is trying to bind, then he will try to escape. And the one who is free should not be torn, and the system reaches a comfortable balance: male gladly pays time and child from the first marriage and the second family.
The man in this situation, we can recommend that not to succumb to provocations and manipulations. For example, in the history of Cyril his wife claim to the role, to take you. Only respect women to the first wife and first child will make the marriage stable. If no separation is only a matter of time and patience.
A second marriage is always possible only at the expense of the first. Especially in cases, when the relationship that led to the second marriage, begin in the period of relevance first. To a new marriage happened, spouses must admit their part of the blame for the fact that their happiness is possible only at the expense of his first wife and children (and by her first husband, if the woman was also married). Such recognition should turn into respect. Sometimes it is very difficult, because the abandoned woman says or does something that its difficult to respect. But you should understand that this is a sign of desperation. At this point, second wives and husbands of relief thinking, "if she behaves, we are not to blame and it is right that the divorce happened. How can you live with such a man? " But this idea is very dangerous. Respect to the first wife is worth keeping, and then sooner or later it will pay "dividends".
Recommendations for women
Olga, 24 years: "My boyfriend for six months in the divorce, they have a son 1, 5 years. He loves the baby and comes back every Sunday, playing with them, helping financially. I'm not against their visits with his son, but his ex-wife still loves him. She calls he always asks, will not come to him for the weekend, constantly writes him a lot of nonsense, what happens to the child as he stood up dropped that Chris where he had crawled. In every way it gets! Me this is very annoying. It seems that when it comes to them, she rejoices more for himself than for his son. Said yet that it will take all the time you need. It is as if all the time trying to find our relationship crack and shatter, embroil us. He comforts me in every way, swears he will never return to her that he loves only me and nobody else wanted, that I for him the ideal. But I still can't find a place when he was there".
So, we have a standard, if I may say so, experiences typical of second wives or new friends men. How to behave in relation to the first wife and children from his first marriage, to save the relationship with your beloved man?
- You should take her husband along with his previous marriages and children from them. The past is something that cannot be undone. If you do not accept his past, then you do not accept him fully ("here is love and here is not love"). You knew about the past of her husband and obliged to live, considering it.
- It must be remembered that his former wife is not obliged to take care of your psychological well being. She has her own truth, to your feelings it doesn't care, she will not take them into consideration, and it is not necessary to hope for a single minute.
- If you have aggression to it, this sense of wines that you do not allow yourself to release to the foreground. It is in this situation, the party aggrieved. Only at its expense and at the expense of their common child you build your relationship. Treat this with responsibility and respect.
- First wife and your husband have the right to talk about the education of their children. Moreover, they have to do in order to preserve the well-being of children. The first wife has the right to call at your home to tell his father about what happens to them, and to ask for help when needed. Be loyal.
- Do not limit their spouse in dealing with children from the first marriage. Try to establish communication with children, but it is the communication, not just zatarivanie gifts, candy and entertainment. It may be that the first wife would be against the child communicated with you. This is especially true in the first year after divorce. Do not insist and do not be offended, let the father to communicate independently.
- Remember that the man who is in favor of the second wife stops all communication with the first wife and children, is dependent and slave. Someday he may do the same towards you. Much better when a man is in a second marriage has a strong fatherly attitude towards children from his first marriage and is able to build a "civilized" communication with the first wife.
- If your marriage were born children, and should not require them to be something more important for him than the first. Often women say, "And now we need you more than him (first child)". You have no right to demand that they take the place that is already occupied. The first child is already taken, your child - their own place. The father should be able to communicate as well as with their own children, and with your General.
Recommendations for men
Often the child is only a pretext in the struggle of the "past" and "present". The man is in the middle, acting as a "main prize". Some like it, but, as a rule, this role is extremely not comfortable for men. If the fight goes reasonable limits, the second marriage will be under threat, but the first wife gets "points". And most importantly, in these respects, suffer the children from his first marriage, and from the second one.
To build relationships with both women, save second marriage and child well-being, you can offer men the following tips:
- entered into a second marriage, do not forget that you are his first wife, parents remain (although it ceased to be spouses);
- respect first wife, whatever deeds she did for the first time after your separation;
- try to develop and support the aspiration of the second wife to communicate with your children from the first marriage. Well, when this communication is, but don't require a lot of love and relationships to your children as their own. Do wife compliments, mark all successful attempts to establish communication with the child;
- try to make the relationship "transparent". Often the second wife jealous first, fearing restore a relationship, so try to limit contact with children from the first marriage. In your power to convince new wife that she for you now - the main woman. Being confident that you belong to the first wife only as the mother of their children, it will be much easier to relate to children and to the former wife;
we need to understand that the second wife will never treat the children of her husband's first marriage as well as his own. This again is an attempt to confuse the hierarchy, but by the men. The family system of the second wife of her child will be the first for her and the child men - only side branch from his first marriage;
- if the second marriage a child is born, the man often experiences: will the firstborn to consider themselves unnecessary. Suffice it to say: "You to me will always be first." Thus you will indicate its role in the hierarchy of your children, "first" in this case is not synonymous with the word "home". But to a child it helps to calm down and to feel needed.
All recommendations are based on the system-the phenomenological approach and the method of family constellations of Bert Hellinger. The main thing to understand is painful guilt disguised as pride and rejection of past relationships. On this occasion B. helligvær writes: "a New relationship be best if new partners acknowledge his guilt, and also understand what to do here without guilt is impossible. Then relationships become another depth, and there are fewer illusions".
The second relationship is qualitatively others, but this does not mean that they will be less happy.
Author:
Marina Yu
Source:
Our psychology
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