Many families have not worked out the program of "peaceful" solutions. Let's talk about the most typical methods of conflict response and decide what is better: to be silent, to quarrel or argue? The silence?
Marina, 27 years, married for six years. Raising a child. Recently Marina began to worry that she and her husband quite often quarrel, ending the silence. This silence may last a few days. The situation at this time in the house becomes tense. Marina tries to speak, to discuss what had been a quarrel, but the man stubbornly silent. Lately the silence lasts longer. What to do in this situation?
Why is dear to each other people, instead of discussing problems, ringing, and sometimes for a long time? There are several reasons.
To get personal. In other words, the couple do not know how different. Maybe some of them (or both) in the parent family, mom and dad enjoyed it this way. And stereotypes borrowed from the indigenous family, the most tenacious.
The fear of ruin. Often people are realizing that the quarrel can go too far, just shut up. This defensive reaction to not allow yourself to say unnecessary.
The desire to be offended. Origenae silence is a childish reaction, originally from the preschool period. Just then, unable and afraid to meet my parents, we offended fell silent and turned away in the hope that they will understand that we require comfort, and recognition of our right. The same thing we want to show and partner.
Origenae silence is to distinguish from the wise skills to remain silent. Sometimes it is necessary to "step on the throat of his own song" and not to speak of all that has been accumulated in respect of the partner. Of course, if you do not intend that this quarrel will be a spectacular finale of your family life. Wise ability to remain silent does not cause the multi-lack of communication, it helps to get out of the conflict with minimal losses. What can be said about demonstrative silence: "I'm so offended that do not wish to speak with you".
Usually, after a period of silence (several days, weeks) "parties" are reconciled. They are no longer able to hear "ringing" silence. Therefore, when one offers peace, the second relief agrees. But they do not address the problem that led to the quarrel! They are afraid to discuss it, as again can fall out. The problem remaining unresolved, and remains the "piggy Bank", which again sooner or later becomes full. So offended demonstrative silence is not an option, it is a deadlock.
Quarrel?
Karina and Mike consider themselves to be very temperamental people. This is manifested in high-profile scandals with each other. The reason for the irritation can serve every detail: from the unwashed cups to the situation in Cuba. Karina and Mike are sure to scream at each other is normal and even useful...! "We are the people! Not to keep it all inside! Us easier! "they claim. That's the only time this behavior has led a family, which was already born child, to predrassvetniy situation...
Some people are so used to respond to any stimulus irritation that just don't understand how you can live differently. This pattern, most likely, was also spotted in the parent family where both parents (or one of them) reacted with indignant cry on neocolony soup, a broken Cup, a score in the diary. And if such a potential "brawler" in the family of two... What is the quarrel?
Go to the individual. Ad hominem attacks, partners remember all the bad things that they love about each other remember. Negative act (or another view of the situation) is generalized as a character trait: "You're irresponsible", "You're a bad father," "You don't understand".
Who will win? Partners want to "push" each other, to impose their point of view, which is perceived as the only correct one.
Excuse. Although both sides think that they solve the problem, but actually it is not. Internal goals that are implemented in the quarrel, the enhancement of self-esteem at the expense of another, self-justification, confirmation of self-nevezutchest.
Defending,. Quarrel one spouse attacks, and the second is protected, and then they change roles. But defensively, he is not able to understand the point of view of another! He is looking for excuses and generally finds them, continuing to blame the partner and hanging labels.
Both partners feel, ultimately unsatisfied: and the problem has not been resolved, and quarreled. Sometimes only one of the spouses should such behaviour. Then the quarrel is almost a monologue with swords drawn, slamming doors, charges suitcases (or your partner). People who are used to this style of communication is often said that in another way they can. Seems to "know everything", but... I can't! But is it really? Someone's really hard to hold back, especially if we are talking about an "explosive" choleric. However, they quickly break out, but as quickly and cool down. But not always it is only in temperament. Sometimes people allow themselves to this behavior, sincerely believing that it is beneficial: irritation spills, and doesn't accrue. And in this lies the error.
Yes, anger spilled out. But where? A partner, a loved one? And now inside the same stimulation energy, which is also required output. You sought? And now partner or splash out on you, creating a "vicious circle" argument, or keep to themselves, undermining their own health. And one, and the other options are equally bad. Sometimes in order to stop responding aggressively, you just need to understand that this is actually a bad way. You need to believe that this "Italian" style of solving problems can destroy your relationship. And if you want this - continue to say that "want to hold back, but can't", and yelling at the partner.
If your goal is to save the relationship, then try to change. Quarrels with the showdown is one of the worst options, which does not lead to the solution of problems and their fixes. Quarrels, of course, should not see children. For them a strong injury - to see that their family is not together, besides they can be inoculated ineffective coping mechanism.
Argue?
Cyril and Oksana, wife of "experience", they say never "brawl", but only clarify the problem. In the family atmosphere of trust and respect, grow calm children. Besides, they have a Golden rule - never to discuss serious issues after 21.00, and if it is clear that one spouse is tired or sick.
So what's the difference between argument and constructive dispute? So the signs constructive argument.
partners respect each other and Express opinions;
ready to hear the point of view of each other;
- understand that the purpose of debate is to solve the problem;
- speak only about the problem without being distracted by the discussion of personal qualities of each other. If the problem affects the manifestations of nature, the partners say not "You're bad" and "You done good", that does not affect the dignity and provides a field for patches;
- if all rules, both partners feel satisfied, this is the position of "win - win".
To argue thus is possible even in the presence of children, it will teach them to solve problems in a civilized way. And of course, even constructive dispute should not start, if you or your partner feels tired, sick. In this condition worse we are in control of themselves and can "fall apart" in the quarrel. Even if you both come home only after 22.00, learn to argue cultural! Perhaps it will take more self-control, but it's worth it.
To learn how to argue constructively, you need to learn. Like so much else, the ability to solve problems, thus is a social skill, impossible without training. So argue, but avoid quarrels!
Non-standard approach
If you understand that the dispute turned into a fight, you can use a few tricks that will help you get out of the quarrel with minimal losses. The main thing is in the heat of the quarrel to remember that the possible means for its relief.
Against the third
. You probably remember as a child your parents quarreled, but it cost you to approach them, they were unanimous in their dissatisfaction with you? This is the method of "blame the third". You can use this method, but not against children. Try quarrel to talk about some mutual friends, in respect of which both of you and unanimously negative configured. You will see that your dissatisfaction with each other will be much less!
More humor! Try to laugh partner, even if you don't want to laugh. Someone is trying to Express emotions pantomime, someone remembers "the place" joke, and someone does something ridiculous, unexpected, but funny. If you laughed together, dissatisfaction with each other will subside.
Write to letters
. This method is for those who quarreled seriously. Sometimes that's hard to say aloud, you can write. Well, if this is a real letter written by pen on paper. But in the extreme case will be suitable, and electronic message (although its value is much less). If you decide to write such a letter, think about it. Talk about your feelings, try to accusations partner has as little as possible. Will finish the letter optimistic.
From adversaries to partners
Quarrel is a mutual process. Admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness. Unfortunately, many people there is a stereotype that, apologizing, they lose their dignity. Actually people who can apologize and admit their mistakes, cause a feeling of respect, because it suggests that it is people thinking and bold. Your apology can help you and your partner to admit their wrong - after all, no longer accused, and therefore should not be protected.
According to the magazine "Psychology in everyday life No. 5, 2008
Author:
Marina Yu
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