How to teach children how to be angry

The story of my life


The preparatory group of the kindergarten, Playground, winter.


Julia (stepping on Sasha and clutching a shovel):


"Why are you with me don't play?! I want to be friends with you!


Sasha (putting his head into his shoulders and stepping back to the veranda):


- Julia, I am not able to be friends with you.


She vigorously shakes shovel):


- I want! Let's play!


Sasha (almost crying and looking for support):


- I will not! I have a headache.


She stomps and waving a shovel).


At this point I decided to intervene.


- Julia, " I said, " I believe you're very angry.


- No! - sternly cried Julia, and he stamped his foot to make it sound convincing. I'm not angry! I just want to be friends.




Decoding messages




In our culture, people don't get angry. Especially girls. Especially openly. The boss yells - angry woman yelling - naughty. You can grumble, mumble, sarcastic, insert studs and pout. You can complain. In severe cases a direct insult to the interlocutor ("Stupid stuffed! "), but never to scream, as in American films: "I hate you! ". It is not accepted.




Because evil, angry, aggressive female is very scary. It can afford only those who have nothing to lose, for whom the label "crazy bitch" nothing will change in destiny.




Our lovely Julia and Sasha brilliantly demonstrated the whole range of possible reactions. You can judge for yourself.




Julia declares his desire: "I want to be in contact with you." Imagine for her drunken husband, who came home late (too late because at that moment, Sasha was busy playing with the other girls) and requiring anything from dinner to sex. Requires roughly, without foreplay and fondling. No flower, or even a ritual: "Honey, how was your day? ". On his side power and authority. Well, or fantasy that power and authority on his side.




In response Sasha takes the position of "weak and defenseless": I feel bad, my head hurts, I'm sorry. That is, instead of upset ham, to show that she is not afraid, in the end, simply to call for dialogue, Sasha hides in the disease. It is also accepted: to refuse her husband under the pretext of a headache. It has become so much a stamp that is not even funny.




But Julia insisted, she gets angry stronger, indicating light turns purple and ready to use force.




It's amazing how the children all take. As if to show this scene to the parents, they are not for the world do not recognize the characters themselves.




Why Julia with during the beginning of the attack? Because she already had spoiled the mood, right here in the morning. Maybe woke up at the wrong time, she may be ill, but have not understood it yet. There is an option that she had a plan to go for a walk to build with Sasha's house, for example. And Sasha grabbed the other girls. And she was furious. And instead yell at all the street: "Sasha, I was waiting for you, and you with other play! "Julia tries to make it look good. That is, trying to hide his anger and speak politely.




Only the text does not match the non-verbal, bodily messages: language "let's be friends" and in the body "I want you to hit". As humanity found the speech (words) much later than the language, we all react primarily on them. On gestures. On posture, facial expressions, intonation. You can prochitat: "My dear! "and dear will prefer to stay on the job, just not to hear and not to see these declarations of love. And you can name their child to a Monster, and he is absolutely happy, moreover, it might even seem that moniker. Because the main tone, posture, gestures. Even embrace the child so that it will either suffocate, or to purr.




With Julia all clear, let's look into the sachet. Sasha is a small, fragile, with large eyes, soft voice, a copy of his mother. When she was three years old, I worked with her about the numerous fears acquired from the mother. Before her mother did not work and was afraid of everything. Last year she went to work, and life began to improve: she changed the voice disappeared pleading and nagging tone of voice, she learned to say "No, just no".




And Sasha, too, became a little stronger, even sometimes everything falls within the framework of the group (in the absence of a "senior officer"). But the standard situation of the attack it still reacts the same; if you can to comfort the aggressor, to adapt to it, to elastici; if not - flee.




My practice as a family therapist, says that in this way the aggressor not to appease, they only become bold.





Ways to Express aggression


I suggested to Julia: "Let me teach you the right to be angry. Look at me! Make "brutal" face. The most evil, what you can. No, don't, don't make funny faces, just oscal teeth, smarmy nose, Nahar eyebrows and tense all the muscles. Now, that's right. And now roar. Just without words, a low sound from the middle of the abdomen, roar: "R-R-R! ".




Julia carefully growls, she succeeds. And now legs add on, come on, Yul, Copaci legs a bit stronger. Press hands into fists, but do not swing them like a windmill, and shake near the body, as if threatened. And even add sound more: "a-a-a-R-g-h! ".




We caught up children, while just looking. What stand do nothing? Well, stood in a semicircle and all together: "R-R-R! As I am angry! I'm just going to explode with rage! ".




The teacher is interested tightened. But the topic is concerned not all children, most continued their games. And correct: not all are experiencing difficulties with the expression of feelings.




Note: no direction this anger is not. We are talking only about themselves and their feelings, no one who is not thrown, so all is safe. Compare the two fierce cry: "I hate you! " and "I Hate you! ". Just "hate", unknown person. When a person says about themselves, it does not hurt others.




The entire session lasts no more than three minutes. But it's done, Julia clearly "let go", she relaxed, flushed, breathing easily. Suddenly it suitable Sasha, looks into his eyes and calmly says, "let us Go into the house? ". The rest are different.





What we did


We lived emotion body. We did not attack, not rushed with his fists, screamed: "You stinking bastard!" ". We first realized his feelings ("I am angry"), called him and allowed his body to react. All this on the spot. As the saying goes, "no animal when the filming was not injured".




Once the emotion is recognized, named and lived in the body, it goes away. If this is not done, we are starting to hurt, in the body there are clips and painful blocks have to swallow pills and go for massages. The main cause of headaches in children and adults - tension in the back of the neck, caused by pent-up aggression.





If you are angry...


- tell yourself: "I'm angry! ";


- take a deep breath nose, squeeze the fists, tense muscles, especially the shoulders, forearms and facial muscles. Do the "brutal" face;


- if possible - exhale with a snarl, trying to push the sound down, as if from the stomach, not the vocal cords;


- if not - just noisy exhale with effort, too, is down;


and relax your muscles. Even with the most responsible of the meeting, you can always pop out in the toilet. And growl there. I guarantee that it works. And the head ache will not.

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