Why is it
Once we first take offense at my father with my mother. Someone brought up in Spartan conditions, someone took out the daily fatigue, someone suffered from neglect and permanent employment of parents. Nedolyublennosti, unhappy children, who for years harbored resentment, and then just got tired of fighting for parental attention, is one category.
The other is those who are fed up with excessive care and love. Psychologists have many clients who happened to grow up with a mother and grandmother and my experience to feel the unbearable heaviness of their love. They dream of escape from the family, but a sense of duty compels us to stay. They constantly teach how to live, what to think, whom to choose as friends. And, barely openevsys, these children escape - first into a student hostel, then to another city... country... on another planet. Call out only on holidays and life are a familiar burden - dislike mixed with guilt and remorse.
Brutally? May be. But honestly. You can suffer in silence, and you can try to do a few simple steps and steps forward.
Step 1. General cleaning
In psychoanalysis there is a term "primary duty". He talks about the strongest sense of guilt, which permanently connects us with mother and father. We owe the parents of his birth, and therefore must be obedient children. This feeling of guilt sometimes have to give up dreams, to blame themselves for any penalty to earn parental approval. Because we are from childhood accustomed to the idea that love, only obedient daughters.
The flames threw a society with ideas of FILIAL duty. That's just to make love impossible. And to instill a warm feeling with abstract debt also will not work. On the contrary, the more we will think about the debt, the louder speak our internal, ever-rebellious teen. And he shall say this: "I wasn't asking me to give birth! I don't owe anyone anything! "
The treatment begins with diagnosis, cleaning with the fact that all things are dumped in a pile in the bathroom reigns terrible mess. Exemption from heavy feelings begins with what we confess. And admit that are eligible. Teen-rebel happier adults, because he at least can openly angry and shout.
Step 2. Labyrinth of reflections
In NLP it is believed that all our surroundings - only mirrors of different size and format, in which we reflect in all its glory. From this point of view, the dislike of parents - concealed hostility to himself. We reject the closest people for those who can't accept in ourselves, and try to outrun them. Cease to communicate with parents - close the door tightly to the "I" that does not want to see.
For example, the daughter dreams of a career as an actress and ready from home to escape because of the constant comments mom and dad: "come down to earth. Find a normal, stable operation. When you grow up? " Escape will not solve anything, because the comments are so hurt her, only her internal monologue voiced by parents. She deep down believes the dream child and naive, she blames themselves in protracted childhood.
You can't take your parents? Open your eyes, admit that all these unpleasant quality you can find. And parents will gradually cease to be the source of all problems, we are not angry at the mirror for unimportant appearance?
Step 3. Stop run
We from childhood accustomed to the "ostrich" way of solving problems. Close your eyes and be rest assured that immediately hid from the world. Absent from school, not to get "two" on the control. To part with the young man, because it is not easy to agree on a compromise. Maintain relationships with parents at a distance of several thousand kilometers, because it was not possible to find a common language with them.
To go and be limited to two calls per year - not an option. Just because unrealized love is not going anywhere, and resentment could just a little dim. Millions of people around the world hang up and sad sigh: "No, mother doesn't change... " And return to his life, which left no room mother, and along with all of these worries.
Problems between people not to solve it at a distance. In order to hear the other person, you need to start the conversation. In order to understand someone else's feelings, it is time to escape from their own. There is a solution, but it is in dialogue - conversations, correspondence, regular calls. And escape with a very heavy suitcase all your grievances - a dubious decision.
Step 4. To find the best format
You cannot build a relationship on a template, you cannot create a family, focusing on the ideal picture from the commercials. We must love our parents, but how these relationships should look like in reality? The standard version includes a Mimosa for March 8 and tie to February 23, nightly calls and a wide smile on family photos. But it looks more like a duty gestures without a drop of sincerity.
Don't be fooled, if the standard option you not a bit satisfied. You should find the best format, because the relationship of a daughter and mother, daughter and father - it is the whole world. Forget about all the glossy pictures of the ideal family, if for you personally in them not a drop of truth. Your relationship may be similar for friendship or cooperation, they may not be the supernatural intimacy that is written about in novels. But it will be yours, only your relationship, your family Union. And within this Union, you will gradually begin to study a lot, to talk, to listen and be silent, to control emotions and to negotiate. And once replaced the offense will come the long-awaited warmth.
Why is it so important to figure this out
Perhaps you believe that all this is not so scary. But there is one "but": the unloved children grow up to be unloving parents.
This creates the proverbial vicious circle of lack of love, which is inherited from generation to generation.
Someone has to stop this running in a circle, take a step and get closer to this "alien-native person. In fact, true love cannot be forced or sense of duty. As his parents we have no obligation tied the world's most durable connection.
Daughter-mother
My mother's advice that work
Author:
Pechorin D.
Source:
Леди@mail.ru
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