And he came, came every day, I knelt beside the bed and was silent. It was hard to tell because of the twisted jaw. He... he was not words. The bouquet was always a note. And she always read it with tears in his eyes. The neighbors wondered what words can cause tears of emotion. It's tears of emotion, right?
And in the notes on different frets said: "Forgive me! Don't know what came over me... I shouldn't have, I don't know... Sorry! I love you so! Don't go away! If you go, 'll kill myself! I hear, I know! It will never happen again... I coulda hit? "
This was the fifth hospital. For contusions and bruises she has not paid attention. My mom and sister were spared...
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The police lied about the robbers failed rapists. The district didn't say anything. Just looked sympathetically and understandingly...
According to statistics, in Russia every third woman tolerate being beaten by her husband. And does not go away. If it goes away, it always comes back. And the media have debated why she's coming back? Why endure? Rage and other disputes, why beats. Pathology? Jealousy? Love? It is in the media, psychotherapy long considers such relations as mutual dependence. Versions and theories of its origin much. This article is one of them.
Man
Love many psychologists and psychiatrists identified with disease. Thoughts, actions, desires - all his life depends on It, the only and beloved. Meetings, conversations, recognition, colors, assurances and fears, "and suddenly go"? Have nightmares. Neurotic whether this condition? Similar to the. What is the main need is love? For his love was mutual. That is why the state of being in love passion usually very short on time. As soon as She, the love of your life, pay attention to the unfortunate lover, a lover is happy, the need is satisfied, but the love disappears. What happens next? If the relationship, in addition to a passion, were built on respect for each other's interests, trust and understanding, you may experience the harmonious feeling called "Love". In another case to replace love comes disappointment: "It seemed to me a completely different".
But this happens only when a lover understands that he loved. And if not? Is it possible that even after the wedding, the same man feels that he is not really like? Possible. He's still in love, and then, still not quite adequate. And in the fevered brain has thoughts, ideas: "Hold! No matter what was the hold! How to do it? For it must be only me, I am one! " And so it began: a friend go not away, the work you do, and do not use cosmetics, and so beautiful you don't have. and do not walk through the streets in a short skirt... And how he suffers! Eternal suspicion, jealousy, evil thoughts eat the sacrifice of the passion from within. And angry, angry he is at his beloved. Already want to hit, to understand who's boss! But it's set at naught!
Normally if such a condition? I think, no. Most likely, this man feels a sense of love addiction, which now stands on the same level with other addictions: alcohol, cigarettes, drugs.
If the wife is in contrast to the unhappy half is not so bound to her husband, she leaves. Will not confuse lack of money, loneliness. Will not allow it this attitude. Yes and no such statistics. Statistics are gathered on the testimony of victims, battered long and sobering consequences. Why such women suffer such spousal abuse to yourself?
Woman
It is known that negative emotions carry the same invaluable experience as positive. It is difficult to imagine human life, even the baby, without negativity. Wet diapers - cold, wet - suffering-crying - mother came - changed - comfort. Learning to walk - hit - hurt - pain - come, sorry - comfort.
So, without negativity and suffering, there is no positive emotions, comfort, joy. Know the bitter taste, feel and sweet.
Well, if a fallen baby not only spared, but also explained why he fell. Supported and reassured, he went back. Well, when for preschoolers, there is the joy of victory, the joy of discovery. And if it is doing? If only protect? There is no joy. There are no findings. No wins. The only way to get a feel for how bad happens, then to understand, as well, is to fall, hit, pinch your finger. Then use a bunch of relatives: calm, comfort, give candy, brought to the zoo. Was bad. Became well.
And a man like that, in our case, the female grows. The strategy of behavior does not change, remains the same. Enough to ponychat, and all will again resort. But over time, just whines to no longer respond. Adult, all is well. My head hurts? Pill to take! And then the woman begins to look for such suffering, from which it will be given to the nuts: support, help, care and attention.
They met
And here's a man and a woman, the psychological features of which are described above are met. She wants the suffering to get comfort from family and friends. He is in love with her at first sight, to unconsciousness and neurosis. He wants to be for her only in a state of love brad is the owner and master. He wants her total obedience, or rather, love: to satisfy the need to be loved and to extinguish the heat of unconsciousness, insanity. She does not allow him to achieve the desired goal.
She suffers from total obedience, striving to break free and at the same time can't do it. Because relatives who criticized her for her weakness, at the same time and encourage her. Sorry. Blame the scoundrel. Ban - beating - the suffering - the support of loved ones is comfort. Yes, and the husband, after another fit of rage, kneeling, begging to forgive, regret and loves, loves, loves!
Beats, it means love... Forgive, it means love... Or? Mutual dependency.
Who is to blame and what to do?
The trouble is that these two don't realize that they have not healthy. They sincerely believe that they are right. I sincerely believe that love each other. Not rare cases when the neighbors called the police to rescue the unfortunate woman from death, and then they, well-wishers, were to blame. She poured dirt, scolded on what light is... her Husband was taken to the police!
In the same way, perhaps, to the fury comes an alcoholic, seeing as someone pours a secret stash in the toilet.
What with them unhappy and happy at the same time, to do? Nothing! Let them live how they live. And if it is a daughter, sister, just a friend? Because it hurts, it hurts to see all this! Handle lead to the therapist. Not to the psychologist, the psychotherapist in medical education.
Mentioned the evil tyrant is your friend? They need to do the same. Bad advice? Possible!
But no article, no TV, no familiar psychologist or psychiatrist will not be able to reach the changed consciousness in intimate conversation. Treatment from addiction is a long and difficult for both patient and therapist.
Valentine Svechnikova, psychologist-consultant (BC Kyiv): Love addiction is a neurotic trait that has nothing to do with real love. The main difference between these feelings from each other in that love, even unrequited - network resources, forces us to move forward, and neurotic condition is a disease, which does not leave forces for life.
What causes dependent behavior? First and foremost is the ratio of parent to child. In families where there is no unconditional parental love, where the child is compared with a neighbor, friend, where the main parent promise you will be good to learn, and for this we you are going to love the baby formed low self-esteem. The child understands that it is not something to love. Growing up, this person wants to receive love, but I am not sure that it can love sincerely.
In our society to sensitive behavior often leads Hyper. Many children grow up in broken families, where the mother, offended by all mankind, puts the child at the centre of his world. Until the baby is little, his mother's care, that's fine, but the baby is growing and care, not less of it, and now, at the hands of a woman "baby" is about 30 years old, who never separated emotionally from mom. If a man builds a family, he is searching for guardian - partner who would take the responsibility. If we are talking about the man, the partners usually are women with advanced maternal instinct. Unfortunately, when the outer safely, the main problem of such vapor - suppressing sexual desire. And, as with all addictions, a man can understand that the relationship does not suit him, but he struggled clings to them, not believing that his life may be more suitable for his relationship. Girls from single-parent families generally fall into the dependent relationship for any other reason. Not being able to build relationships with his father, not having received his share of male love and admiration in childhood, they marry the first man, who drew attention to them. Most often it is men who are older by a few years. Even if a young woman does not depend on it financially, it depends emotionally. Partner feels, and sooner or later begins to manipulate wife. Unfortunately, a person with a dependent type of behavior is almost impossible to help themselves.
This is a very persistent pattern* behavior, which could even be a character trait. Where, for example, a person from whom any relationship turn into constant quarrels, to know that all his problems that he had never experienced emotionally warm relationship, and the only way for him to get attention to causing negative emotions? In such cases, the best self-help trip to the psychologist.
*Pattern of habitual emotional reaction
Source:
Our psychology
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