Most of us strives to create a family. Today we will talk about those who wish to create and maintain a strong relationship, but the person who pursues a series of failures in his personal life: new meeting, hopes and dreams, and again the separation. And often the reason for this becomes a subconscious desire for a "safe" relationship.
When we seek intimacy with those we love, we are faced with a dilemma: such relations always mean internal vulnerability. No matter how much we psychological protection, in love we stand before you partner with a naked belly. In intimate relationships occur all the most subtle emotions: the maximum degree of vulnerability, sensitivity, pleasure, tenderness, and sometimes anger. Examples include relationships with parents, and we subconsciously strive for the same degree of closeness, but intuitively very afraid to experience the wrongs we have suffered from them.
Internal fears are so strong that they control everything connected with forming and maintaining relationships, initially defining their grim finale.
If time after time nothing happens, in this case, the actual principle: "once is an accident, twice is you need to think, but three - pattern". Starting to disassemble each case, we will identify this pattern.
The main reason is that the person lives in fear of a serious relationship, fear of building a family. And this "grey cardinal" controls the behavior, over and over again allowing you to fall in love with someone that love's not worth it, and programming on the behavior that will ruin the relationship. Just to be safe. In order not to create a family. And on the surface, in the consciousness of man wants a relationship, seeks him sincerely do not understand why it happens in life.
"Safe" relationships begin, perhaps, like many other novels: a very passionate, intense and interesting. But to assess their needs as they are completed. They are rarely long-term, and if there are, there are unlikely to build a complete family.
Signs of a "safe" relationship:
- starting them, the person consciously wants to build a strong Union family;
"humans have a subconscious ban for a serious relationship that he is not aware;
- this prohibition "triggered" either at the stage of choosing a partner, or in the development phase
relationships, when a person begins to destroy their own behavior;
these relationships come to decay and disappointment, as they were originally programmed it such an outcome.
The desire for "security": where?
Reasons for the emergence of fear of relationship you can think of at least four.
First, it can be a product of childhood experiences. Child, watching what is happening in the family, can start to subconsciously afraid of marriage. Quarrels of parents, mother's tears, drunkenness, aggressive behavior in adults, lack of affection - ground to ensure that the child began to be afraid of building your own family. "If the family brings so much experience, why is it needed at all? " - formed idea in my head at the kid. One of the most important factors is the relationship of the child in the child with the parent of the opposite sex. The more problems in this area, the higher the probability of fixation of fear partnerships.
Secondly, this fear may be a consequence of adolescent and youth facilities. In adolescence, the child may not be so confident in yourself and your appearance, which will avoid any contacts that threaten self-esteem ("I'm not occur because they are afraid to seem inexperienced"; "I still don't know how to kiss and I'm afraid that I will laugh"). If a teen is really becoming the subject of ridicule of peers, in the future, fear of being funny will subconsciously weigh on him, often not allowing even begin to build relationships.
Thirdly, he may be a consequence of early love failures. This is often a fairly early period, the same teenage and youthful age, when the willingness to love and inner insecurity is very strong. Communication skills and relationship building yet, and this often leads to separation after a stormy love. Several of these novels, and some young people are willing to come to the conclusion that they can't build relationships, you may "unworthy".
Fourth, the fear of a serious relationship can occur after long connection ended on the initiative of the partner. This happens in cases where people have met or even lived in marriage for several years. Perhaps they were not going smoothly, but the relationship continued to develop up to a certain point. Until the until the opponent has said that the relationship ended and he or she goes. In this case, fear is fixed in a person, for whom this statement was a surprise. Often after that, people can't build a new relationship for several years.
The main thing is the choice of "safe" object
The basis of the "safe" relationships - the choice of a partner for them. Our inner fears "tell" us variants of the partners to the relationship didn't work out. Now, that's...
novels with "inappropriate" personalities. For example, for women it can be a relationship with the "bad" guys (potential or actual asocial elements), Lovelace, alfonsi. For men - it novels with women of easy virtue; ladies living at the expense of financial aid men;
- love is in the unavailable man: a pop idol or movie, doctor, teacher. The more "unavailability", the more subconscious desire for security. Now gaining increasing popularity of Dating on the Internet and love in people, real meetings which were not, and especially those who live very far away. This is the ultimate level of "security";
- love in person, related by marriage. The stronger and dolgosrochnoe marriage, so your desire for a "safe" relationship above, since the probability that there will be a divorce, is very low. This option is specic to women and often results in a whole series of relationships with married men. Every time a girl says that he hopes for divorce loved and marry him, but subconsciously calm: he won't, she's in "security".
Behavior, leading to the "security"
Andrew, 37 years:
I was married five years, the future wife was pregnant. Now the daughter is already 10 years, five of which we divorced with her mother. All the girls (there were three), with whom I could be a serious relationship, I lost, pushing them in that moment when I felt that bind too strongly. I started to do the hints that they are not the only and not at all unique that I have a lot of women. After that, they left. Now they are all happily married, and I reproach myself, but time and again, nothing can be done about it. Know that the act is wrong, but what to do with this, just can not imagine. Now I have again two women, and no I don't like, though for me with both good. Confused...
Well, Andrew "good" with the two, and this is not the first time. The man does not feel love, which perhaps would like. But this love implies that you give your feelings to one person. You defenseless before him, because I understand how dependent on it, whether he is near. You have to trust him. And expect the same trust from your partner.
Most likely, the fact that the hero of our story is afraid of such a relationship. So he begins to alienate women, as only understands that becomes too vulnerable because of the feelings that you feel.
Where did this fear? Andrew in childhood, abandoned by her mother, father was not. What would be great was the grandmother, the mother is responsible for the child's emotional development. If the child does not receive maternal warmth and affection, he secured the uncertainty and the fear of warm relations, because it is the first and most important in his life the man had betrayed him. That is why now Andrew is so difficult to trust women.
So, even if the relations selected "suitable", people seeking a "safe" relationship, can destroy their own behavior. This is not a complete list of ways to do this...
scandals and whims. We are talking about too demanding, uncompromising behavior, when a person insists on his own without taking into account the interests of the partner and does so in the form of orders, cries, scandals. To think that this is a typical female behaviour, it would be wrong. Many men behave the same way. Sooner or later this leads to the deterioration of relations and their gradual decay;
- tightness and "repulsion". If the relationship is evident excessive shyness and indecision, it's not going to benefit them. Sometimes the fear of close to allow the partner turns ostentatious indifference. Sometimes women this is called "to be proud". Men - "a real man my feelings show don't have to." Feelings lurk in the depths, leaving on the surface of modified and ugly forms. And it can't be good for the relationship;
too close attention and Intrusive care. In this case, peer relationships become impossible, because one of the partners is maternal or paternal position. If the second agree (for example, such relationships and he was looking for), it's all right. But if not - it doesn't work out. People who try to "secure" relationship, as a rule, choose the people who "disagree" with the role of the child (or, on the contrary, "parent");
- aggressive behavior. Sometimes clients can be heard: "I love, but can not cope with the desire to scream or even to hit your partner. Aggressive impulse inside is a "gift" of the subconscious, the path to the destruction of connections;
- demonstration of treason. Partner very soon becomes all know, even if "traitor" does not want the truth came out. Often the object for treason become close friends, someone from a joint environment. As a result, these relationships could not get any.
The path of healing
I would like to give some recommendations that will start to work as soon as you read this article. But unfortunately, it is almost impossible. Here just need an individual approach. But let's try...
The first step is to assume that a series of disappointments caused by internal fears, and not the fact that "all men are bast..." and all women too. Refrain from thinking that you have all the right, look for the cause in itself.
The second step is to build a line relationship. This is one of the methods used by psychologists. Of course, it is better when you are controlled by the specialist, but you can try by yourself. Take a large sheet of paper, draw on it in a straight line. The beginning of her is the date of your first love. Next you need to mark all the relationships that you will remember. You need to mark their beginning and end, it is better to allocate each relationship has its own color for visibility on them to write the name of the person with whom he was having an affair or unfulfilled love. It is also desirable to remember important details about these people: marital status at the time who worked, drank or not, some important traits.
Step three: analyze this! You might even realize that in many cases, repeated the same script, and you repeatedly step on the same rake. At this stage also often comes to understanding the origin of this problem is that from the past this fault.
Fourth step: try to change the traditional course of events. Realizing what exactly is your error, try to act strictly controlling yourself, and choosing other ways in the relationship.
Ineffective behaviour has already formed. His need to destroy and build a new one, which will help that relationship has developed. But before you destroy, you need to understand the origins. It's not too fast path. Perhaps the help of a specialist at the first stage and direct and will accelerate this process. And live in a relationship without fear, but with love!
According to the magazine "Psychology in everyday life, No. 6 June 2008
Author:
Marina Yu
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