In the times of the iron curtain some emigrants departing from the Soviet Union, lugging a huge suitcase full of old cast iron pans and irons. Customs officers swore, called emigrants different bad words and selected the pan on the border.
A month later, in exile, the life of the emigrants were established, and they hardly could understand: how many years have used these horrible tilename things without Teflon? But then, up the ramp, they had shed real tears over the left cast iron freaks.
So it is with human relations. Neither mind? no heart, but continue to meet regularly, to call, to worry - drag from year to year outmoded relations, as a suitcase grandmother's priceless cast iron.
What kind of relationship can be called "extra"?
There is such type of people that revel in his goodness and love to talk about that those whom they are bestowed, entirely parasites, and the relationship of these "one way", and "when all finally over?! ".
Actually themselves "benefactors" are dependent on their "parasites" very much: will not "parasites" - who will help? Who will you save? Someone, eventually, will be called "parasites", subtly hinting that they are in a white coat and nimbus?
In this case, the "extra" people is not superfluous, they are necessary as air. But there are other situations where the relationship is really starting to remind suitcases with old pans - hand pulling, and use or the mite.
Scientific classification of such relations is not, but to try to break them into groups by type "parasitic effects".
The parasite is common, unselfish
The person who you are not interesting. Once you are connected, but the time has passed - now even talk about. However, he regularly calls, schedules appointments, gives gifts thirty-thirds needed for the New year (you as an intelligent man cannot answer "udaetsya").
What's the harm? A man is eaten off a lot of time, loads of extra uninteresting information that you want to remember (and I can the next time the conversation to happen). As a result, you may not have enough resources to really useful, but less annoying people.
How to get rid of? Get rid of selfless parasite is quite simple. The main thing is to realize that you really do not need to overcome the inertia of habit and just start to stop his attempts to take your time. Better, though, to do it gradually, so as not to pass the ham.
A malicious parasite
He uses you as a sink for its negativity. Calling in a state of depression, and you comfort her midnight. Calling drunk, reports that he had lost his keys, and you run through half the city to save him. You sit with him for weeks, when he threw the girl (the most funny situations happen when you are a girl). A few years later find that fulfills the function of rubbish, which is needed only in order to get rid of the mud and slop. When all is well, it is about you and not remember.
Held in such relationship by many factors. Here and desire to be a "Savior" and "the Comforter", and guilt ("Ah, how such a little thing to throw something? who am I then going to be? "), and a real desire to help.
What's the harm? It's a shame one day to find that those whom you gave in debt, wealthier you. The one who spent hours crying on your shoulder, managed to visit all the trendy clubs and theatres, etc. You during these years was just tired, not getting anything in return.
How to get rid of? To get away from a relationship with a malicious parasite is easy: it is enough to show the minimum stiffness. By the way, nedopoluchil usual dose of compassion, fans complain about life not always sever relationships. Quite often they just change the style of communication and become great friends or even friends.
Remember that help is only for those who really want to change something in my life. And a garbage disposal to be not worth it spoils the character and the smell of karma. And most importantly: from garbage to vulture one step.
Buzzard
Talking about the people who are interested in only our troubles. No, they do not gloat, listen and even sympathize with, but communicating with them over and over again, begin to discuss more and more of their problems, about half of whom to talk with understanding and compassionate the vulture had no idea. And, what is much worse - these problems immediately materialize.
What's the harm? The harm of such communication is obvious - for pity and attention to your misery hooked no worse than a drug. And the vultures often take the role of a kind of homebrew guru, who not only will regret it and will appreciate, but will solve all problems (experience suggests that their tips problems are multiplying like cockroaches in the mating season).
How to get rid of? To abandon such a relationship difficult. Universal protection one - to talk about their problems only proven true friends and not to indulge in self pity.
Extra relatives
It happens that one of the above types of "extra" relationship connects us with relatives. In this case, it is desirable to put the relationship into the category of "need" (or at least try), this is usually not so difficult.
If could not find points of intersection, you can go into internal exile - accurately perform all related duties, minimize close.
Codependence
Co-dependency is called a dependency on being in close interaction with person suffering from alcoholism, drug addiction or other deviations. From this type of "extra" relationships suffer both parties.
Most apparent codependence with alcoholics. We've all seen women who are divorced with one drunk, swear that more generally the men will not look, and then drinking and even more so, and six months later marry another chronic alcoholic.
The most vivid illustration of met me in one of the Moscow narcological dispensaries in the face of a stooped old woman gray with trembling hands (as it later turned out, she was not and fifty). She tearfully told the young praktikanten about the terrible alcoholism of his son: "Girls, you just can't imagine! Well drinks! So drink! Legs already from drinking became paralyzed! Lies, and still drinking her damn, paskuda this! ". "Excuse me, but why is he drinking? Where takes? "of course, we asked. And received a classical response codependent: "Well! I bring. Pity him, tormented..."
What's the harm? Codependent relationships are harmful to both. It is difficult to refrain from drinking, when all the emotions of your loved one focus on your blemish. If, when you fall asleep in a puddle at the entrance, you enter into the house, washed, placed in a warm bed, and the next day make a scene worthy of all Mexican soap operas together, and within a week of sobriety is that the dishes wash overtime will be asked. Therefore, to resolve the problem first to the psychologist should refer codependent.
Signs of codependency:
- low self-esteem, the feeling that the only thing you're good to shoot in the evening shoes with drunken wife;
- the constant need to "save", and this applies not only to his family, but all around me - from the homeless dogs to large groups (codependent often the chairs of the various societies: parent, domoupravleniya, in the protection of public morality and other);
constant desire to control the lives of loved ones, the suspicion that the children will also become alcoholics, even if they are still in elementary school or kindergarten;
- the constant fear that favorite alcoholic poison, choke, will not find the way out of the bar, that, if to divorce him, he will immediately die in terrible agony;
- denial of my own codependency: this item is most important to overcome that business has moved from the dead point.
How to get rid of? Yourself to get rid of codependency crespino difficult. You will need the help of a psychologist.
As there is no need to lug around a suitcase with old pans, so there is no need to continue obsolete relationships. But it is important with the water does not splash out and child. Sometimes get the impression that our buddies annoying that we had ended long ago common themes, but if they disappear, it may be that they were not excessive, and the relationship is not empty.
Source:
Magazine for ladies
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