In the most intimate moments she binds our gestures, deprives of words, but in the end, and pleasure. Shyness can pursue the man constantly or interfere only occasionally, but in any case it causes us to repress our desires. Why?
Sexual shyness can be expressed by the formula: "I would like, but I can't". Can't say that really is a pleasure to work how long dreamed of. Shy sex man does not allow his words and gestures to break out, is silent about what he wants, and as a result falls into a vicious circle: each intimate meeting takes place on the same script, each contact is disappointing. The fear that we will condemn, is what keeps us behave naturally and freely.
To hide behind silence
Sexual shyness is a form of suppression of desires, words, gestures, always associated with fear of condemnation, although the causes may be different. Impressed with his attitude towards sex as something perverse; ignorance of their own desires and their limits; deep self-doubt.
"How much longer we're old were we unconsciously fear that parents will condemn us for excessive looseness, even if they are long gone in the world, " says family therapist Inna Khamitov. - We are afraid to open up bodily and emotionally, then the partner will be disappointed by our body or caresses, deny our initiative, and the relationship will deteriorate".
We aim to avoid misunderstanding and decide that silence is safer than to make their wishes known. As a result, the partner may not know that we feel give us the pleasure of his touch or they are unpleasant, and whether to try otherwise. Perhaps he was only too glad to fulfill our desires, but we deprive ourselves of pleasure, fear that a loved one will condemn us: imperfect body, inability nicely to talk about their feelings or too unusual request.
To learn how to communicate with body
The traditional view what exactly the body is sexually attractive, affects many of us: we believe that the ideal appearance for which we are sure that nobody will condemn it, can make us bolder.
"Cause sexual shyness really connected with our perception of his body, says Inna Khamitov. - Undressing, many feel tense, unable to relax. And the partner will take this tension into your account and lose confidence." It blocks the sensation of his own body, makes it impossible to hear and understand his signals, and desires that are not expressed gaze, body movements, facial expressions, and remain unsatisfied.
Actually the ideal shape options do not guarantee the sincerity and harmony in sex. "Dissatisfaction with one's own body is primarily due to the rejection of yourself at a deep level, " explains existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsov. Therefore, a change in breast shape or liposuction the problem is not fully solve the sexual relations of man is timid and squeezed. And the struggle for ideal appearance becomes infinite". The output of such a situation one: try to make peace with your body, treat it kindly.
Joy can bring and taste: slow and heartfelt trying different dishes, you can discover a lot even during lunch. Discovering previously unknown sensations, we gradually learn to pleasure - physical, sensory, learning to feel your body from within, and not as an alien object, which should give pleasure to someone else. The most happy in sex lovers perceive your body not as something that belongs to them, and what they are.
Study his shyness
Sexual shyness always connected with our emotional experience. It's difficult to understand why the outwardly confident person so lost in the intimate life. Low self-esteem is one of the main reasons for sexual shyness, it prevents many people to be open, spontaneous and natural.
"When a man is uninteresting yourself, it's hard to admit that they are interested in someone else and, moreover, that the other will not condemn him for his shortcomings, " says Svetlana Krivtsov. - This installation may seem that it is better not to stop to have sex than to begin to control the situation".
It is timidity often causes a person to opt out of sex. "It replaces the failed sex life other activities - sports, work, communication - which, as it seems to be easier to achieve success," explains sexologist Sergey Agarkov. To not let shyness get the better, it is important to understand at what point you feel the inner barrier. To feel, when something in the body is compressed, and the words disappear, to find a name for this feeling, tell yourself that the situation is frightening... This step can be considered the beginning of liberation.
Noticing that the scheme of our sexual relationship is repeated, it is important to ask yourself: "is This man and how he behaves in bed - I like it? Or I fear that he will condemn me for my feelings and desires? Maybe I unconsciously ascribe to him (her) the role of authoritative personality of the parent? And with another person it would be much easier, freer, more enjoyable? ".
Necessary changes
For sexual shyness often hides a fear of change in the relationship, which is supported by fear to hear the judgment. What if I tell about my desire, dare to do what had never been done before? Paradoxically, the fear to be condemned by a partner is stronger than in pairs, have long been living together. In the end, relationships are solidified, and the convenience of habit, comfort established roles are more important than real feelings.
Shyness can provoke and change in the life of a couple. "Rethinking sexual relations is often affected by the crisis of the firstborn" is one of the major family crises," says family therapist Alexander Chernikov. The parent role is Central to the representation of a person about himself, binds sensuality.
Dramatically change the normal style of communication is not easy: the partner instead of the desire may surprise or even dissatisfaction. To be in an intimate relationship to get what we dare not ask, it may be useful mirror method: make another what you would like to feel themselves and ask: "do You like? " Changing the situation, habitual, start with small changes and watch for a reaction partner, ask him what he feels. Will gradually increase self-confidence, it will be easier to open their desires, then he will acquire a new dimension, and relationships.
Talk partners on sexual themes are often reduced to the discussion of techniques and experience each other. Timidity reminds us that sexual relations are not limited by the contact of solids, and include emotional contact, and emotional meeting. Not accidentally timidity rather manifests itself with a partner, whom we love, than with a man who experienced only physical attraction.
To be able to open up and give
"Shyness is associated not only with sexuality, because it is only a part of human relations", - convinced a clinical psychologist Elena T. Sokolova.
It is hard to imagine that people shy just one, because sexuality is only a part of human relations. In the gloom of the bedroom come alive with children's fears, they are each their own. People may be afraid to lose all veils - physical and mental; he at one extreme fear, and the other is the lack of trust in the partner. We are afraid that the other will reveal to us something we do not want to open. After all, to open, to let in, to absorb, to get something you can not only sex, but also in human relations in General. A woman may want a deep penetration, but to afraid to let anyone into her depths. The man may seem dangerous to plunge and give. And these fears are expressed in a timid behavior.
The reasons for these concerns is found in the childhood?
If the mother is stroking the baby warm hands caressing him without disgust refers to his soiled the diaper, then he takes himself - and sex too. But if everything was different, the touch of another person does not bring joy. It took an act of physical love, you need to "open", "let" the lover and the aggressor in one person - aggression and pain here combined with sensual desire and create versatility, the completeness of the experience of love. But here may appear irrational fear of being destroyed by the aggression of another - and then the shyness manifests itself in the direct physiological terms, and in a constrained manner, inhibited emotional expression. Reasons such timidity much. This unsuccessful debut sex life, and unresolved conflicts that night cuckoo not percocet". We cannot exclude the bodily memory of sexual abuse.
Is it possible to be free from shyness in sex?
Don't expect instant healing: first you need to understand when and why did this feature of emotional life. Sometimes this requires painstaking psychological work. If you try to understand yourself in your spiritual life, then you can start with the recognition of shyness important signal of trouble in a relationship. Next - don't be in a hurry to change their behavior, because of timidity when it was appropriate: it was forced to close for the sake of salvation, have established a comfortable distance in intimate fellowship. And then to understand in what situations shyness puts obstacles in reaching out to those who are safe and welcome? In any case, the timidity tells us: take your time, examine the situation. Maybe it's time to leave the past the past and to begin to break free from the usual stereotype.
Author:
Yu Puchkova
Source:
PSYCHOLOGIES
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