"Yes they are all my life so lived: loved each other, fight, make scandals, diverged, converged. And lived all his life. And we were happy! " This conversation I once heard on the street. Similarly, my parents lived. They are very much loved each other. And were happy. Although quarrels was enough. or were they not? What a happy family and if there is such a family? Thus was born the idea of the round table family therapists. Maybe they will shed light on happiness in family life? And I have finally caught...
Psychology
: Do you agree with the words of Leo Tolstoy all happy families resemble one another; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way? Or is it two happy families resemble each other?
Alexander Shapiro: I rather agree with Lev Nikolayevich. Yes, each of unhappy families has its own specifics. Interestingly, exactly who assures that the family is happy or unhappy: people from "outside" (the psychologist, friend, acquaintance or family member. By the way, when clients family therapists say that their family is happy, they most often mean another thing: that only one of its members - "media issues", and if not he (she), everything would be fine. Many times I had to hear: "we are a good family, but the daughter ran away from home" or "All is well, only our father drinks heavily... "
Andrew Argus: I absolutely do not agree with Lev Nikolaevich. Each family has a unique fingerprint. And happy, and unhappy. In addition, each has its own history, which makes a family unique.
Anna Varga: If I was a contemporary of Leo Tolstoy, certainly would have agreed with him. In the days of Leo Tolstoy's happy families were similar, because the model of a happy marriage was one. Family roles of husband and wife were unambiguous, clear to all that require children - was also clear. And now happy and unhappy families are not similar to each other, because they have lost the standard "correct" family diversity has overwhelmed us. Each family now decide how to live.
Evgenia Belyakova
: I'm happy families throughout his practice was seen five times, no more. We have not lost standard of good family, we never had it. No cult of the family, human relations, was a kind of cult. This is when the grandmother, the grandfather, the father, the mother can intervene in the life of the spouses, to speak, how to live correctly. There is no concept of private life. Is a substitution of some things, for example the most expensive product intimacy, it happens more often in people who call themselves friends. Families in which such closeness is, I can count on the fingers of one hand. When the family is not a social unit, and help. Not because it is customary, but on other grounds. Maybe these people have grown to love and happiness? Others do not know about it. They consider the norm relations to humiliate each other, the norm, when one dominates and the other is forced to obey. No, I'm wrong. (With irony.We have the concept of a happy family when people long years of living together. If 20 years have lived so well. And the fact that the relations in the family tied to a series of monstrous manipulation, no one cares! He found himself a playmate and happy!
Andrew Argus
: I do not agree that there are families happy and unhappy: every family has in itself a guarantee that the couple can be happy partners. Happiness is a person no one can take away cannot. And if the couple expect the marriage and their partner will make them happy, they will be disappointed. Make happy another cannot. You can be happy. You can be happy in the family and you can be happy and not married.
Evgenia Belyakova: I believe that people can be happy in the family only when he could trust his close fully, without fear of being ridiculed or humiliated. Who among children or adolescents may share a house with his feelings? Yes is not about learning, but about his search and discovery of the laws of life. They try to understand what is good and evil, what makes a person happy or unhappy. Why love someone, hate the other, and the third for some reason do not notice. They are confused in all of this, and their conclusions about the world in which they will live, there are the faithful, absolutely fantastic. Yes relatives that don't want to know! Because families adopted such an interesting game. Called "the main thing is not to upset mommy".
In our families generally taken to hide from each other their pain, fear, loneliness. This is not the preservation of each other, it is the coldness in a relationship. If all apart something to hide, what happiness can we talk?
Psychology: Recently two of my friends broke a serious dispute. One said that his family is parents, spouse, children and all relatives, second objected: this family is just the wife and children. Could you judge who is right?
Anna Varga: Both are right. Beyond the family - a subjective concept. Someone in the concept of "my family" includes only a spouse and children, and someone excludes children from his first marriage, and the most important member of the family this man has a cat or dog. It is difficult, when the husband and wife have different ideas about the boundaries of his family. Here begin really serious disputes: "Why is your mother a member of our family, and I am not? "
Andrew Argus: There is a concept of a large family, extended family, and there is the concept of "nuclear" families, that is, marriage with children. However, the spouses, of course, much closer to each other (in norm) than parents or children. Center family - marriage, and it has a boundary, beyond which (usually) are children, parents and partners.
Alexander Shapiro
: There is a universal intuitive idea of a happy family, but the generally accepted idea of what a "family" in General " does not exist in principle. And it is not only that the family is a subjective concept, and that the variety of definitions of the family is associated with the specifics of those specific areas of knowledge in which they are formulated, are dependent on culture, society, but also that, as shown by research and experience, agreement on this concept just get over it and it is best to accept this diversity as a given. In particular, therefore, family therapists would be happy to see her receive as many "people" in one way or another connected with this family.
Evgenia Belyakova
In the modern world the family is parents and children. As I said, in our country the cult kind of what I think is wrong. When in the beginning of the last century to Freud the consultation began to ride our groove and merchants, he concluded that Russia is still primitive communal system. Everything is decided by a large community. "Whether Vasenka to marry Lena or not necessary? " Or maybe better Vasenka strapaese a couple of times and learn to decide for themselves that it is suitable and what is not? A hundred years ago, such an intervention could be, and was rational. Because people, not relying on her family simply could not survive in the same village. But now it is unacceptable. And we have a child with childhood accustomed to dependence. He is told where to go, whom to marry, how to live like mopping the floors.
Psychology: Yes, the second my friend all the time consults with Rodney than annoying his wife. Tell me, is it true that the man takes the model of behavior in his own family from childhood?
Andrew Argus: It certainly is. The model of behavior in marriage is influenced by many factors, but leading among them is how people in childhood (childhood too, but to a different degree) perceived relationship with their relatives (not foster) parents, and how the family treated him.
Anna Varga
: A person is either not thinking plays a direct model of how lived with his mom and dad with each other, or builds something literally the opposite: "not like them". Well, when both spouses from similar families, then it is easy to agree with each other, what rules to live by. It's great when people are able and interested, not sparing the time to discuss and try a variety of family.
Evgenia Belyakova: Yes, the family-run script from childhood. For example, if the lady seriously assures that all men are scum, it's not like she invented it my mother and grandmother tried. Please note, sincerity and spiritual closeness spoofed in our families manipulations. The child observes this in his family, and later on he other forms of relationships with people simply is not.
Alexander Shapiro: Of course, we all "from childhood", but later "childish" human life is also essential. For example, if the husband married a second time, it will likely be to "take" family script and also from the experience of his last marriage, which can affect relationships in the new family. In addition, people "retrieves" the model of his family behavior based (largely unconscious! ) on the family experience of their ancestors, according to tradition, which emerged in the lives of many generations of his kind.
Psychology: the Feeling that now there are far more questions than at the beginning of the conversation. Still hard to think about what is said and understand what family each of us. And as they say, to realize the problem is half the battle already.
Source:
Our psychology
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