Question:
When I passed the room of the son, I saw, as it resets all the puzzles from the shelf to the floor, scattering them across the room. I just lost it! When I yelled at him, demanding that he stop, he just turned around, stared at me, then crossed his arms and said: "You can't force me to do it. This is my room". Lord, as I have in this moment I wanted to pour him! But I try not to resort to negative reactions, threats, punishment, criticism. But on the other hand, I don't want to let him behave this way. What will you offer?
Answer:
Believe it or not, but there are many effective disciplinary strategies, working in such discouraging situations like this, but they require that you have skills that are achieved by practice and self-control. They don't come to mind automatically. But the good news is that these strategies not only stop the unwanted behavior, but ultimately help the child to feel remorse, and not the desire for revenge, and thus he gradually begins to feel responsible for their behavior.
In the midst of the incident try not to swallow the bait". Don't concentrate on how to get the child to obey, and disassembly of the pieces and cleaning up the mess. Remember that the tone of your voice and the careful choice of words can greatly help or hinder the achievement of "cooperation" with the child. Start with a recognition of his right to such feelings ("Yes, this is your room"), but keep a firm. ("But your room is part of our common home, and everyone in our family must comply with our rules"). Show the child that he too was not indifferent to the problem of maintaining order. ("Remember when you were disappointed when they could not find you the piece of the puzzle? " Once again the rule (that's why the rule is: get only one game at a time"). Try to solve the problem together ("you look Like you need help to sort out the pieces and put them. I'll be looking for the pieces of the puzzle with the bear, and you're a dog"). Later, or before bedtime, or during a family Council can remind your child that you don't want to talk to you so rudely.
Tips on how to maintain peace of mind
- Say only what needs to be done, and don't tell your child about their not very good at the moment thinking about it.
Dina discovered that the son of listening much more carefully when she says "coats should be hung on the hooks" and not "what you slob! How many times have I told you that coat to hang on the hook? "
- Try to speak less and to use monosyllabic requests. Screaming and growling is often rejected by the child.
When Dima had to remind my daughter to wear mittens before the winter walk, he just said, "Mittens! "to attract her attention. No explanation was required.
- Start their requests with the words: "as soon As you... " or "When you... ".
These words show that you expect obedience. Avoid to say "If you... ".
Rose noticed that if she says to the son: "If you remove the toys, we go to the Park", as it gives him to understand that he doubted in his obedience. (Emphasize that you think your child will do what you ask. The difference is subtle, but the result may be different).
- Eliminate typically the negative impact of the word "no". Instead of saying "no", say "Yes" without changing accepted in the family rules.
One very temperamental dad found significantly more effective to tell the son, "Yes, you can take a bottle, but only after we clean the dirt from your shoes" than to increase pressure, responding: "No! In no case. Where are you going, boy... Look at their dirty footprints all over the kitchen! "
- Show that you appreciate the fact that the child went to meet you, i.e., his good behavior is very important positive moment in the education discipline. Paying attention to good behavior (but without the "perevarivaniya") really contributes to the training of the child to distinguish the bad from the good and minimise the bad behavior.
- Look at things from the point of view of your child; in this case, you probably will the next time be used to achieve obedience, not the team, and incentives.
Kate kept the time going to the Park and leaving him with the point of view of children. "Very often, when my kids were fascinated by the game and received from her great pleasure, I considered it unwise to stop them, even if I was going to go with them to eat ice cream. I started to remind them in advance how much time we can still stay in the Park, and periodically reminded about the time of care. Sometimes they give me a real surprise waiting for me in the car. I never forgot to praise them, not "pereborshila". I just told them: "Thank you for so quickly, without any fuss, got in the car".
- Explain clear to the child rules this will help you to set limits and stick to them without breaking a child's character.
Light all the time cursing his four year old son because he hits younger brother. Finally, realizing that her actions are absolutely useless and does not bring any positive results, she invented a new way of carrying out their purpose - to get the child to stop offending younger brother. One day, coming up behind him and hug, she said in his ear: "no Fighting". And it stopped the boy, and then she playfully pulled both, saying, "Let's get your coat and we will March as I am: one, two, three, four... Listen to how our boots stomp on the floor! One, two, three, four... marching with me right outside the door! " Cool fresh air changed the mood of the children, and fighting as usual. Mother changed the behavior of the child without shouting and insulting words - and rightly so!
- Remind your child of important rules again and again saying them, selecting the right time to prevent the recurrence of bad behavior.
Approaching the edge of the pavement, mom said, "We're going to cross the street. How are we supposed to do? Take mom's hand, look on both sides and carefully and quietly cross the road".
- Choose appropriate consequences relating directly to the child's behavior,
this is important both for you and for him, and this will help the child to feel remorse because of his bad behavior, and not the desire for revenge (this is optimal, but not always possible).
Although three-year-old kid knew he had to use a plastic Cup when pouring water from a bottle, however, he once grabbed the glass, and once filled it, the glass slipped from his pen, and water spilled all over the floor. From the next room came the mother, who has chosen a correct behavior. Not screaming and not calling the child, she calmly said, "Honey, don't move. You must have a lot of shards. I need your help to remove all". And clever mother gave the child a job that matches his age: "Here's your paper bag. Keep it open for mom. Stand still while I'll pick up the pieces, and then we gently put the package in the trash on the street." Later the same evening, they again started talking about the incident, and the child without any hints said he regrets that took the glass (t. e. felt remorse). Mom repeated the rule: "Children drink from plastic cups". She was proud of how he handled the situation, and the son since then adhered to the rules "plastic Cup".
- Do not forget that for young children
(from 2 to 5 years) the consequences are usually most effective if they come immediately (or as soon as possible) after bad behavior.
Family Zubov outlined Sunday brunch at your favorite restaurant. However, when everyone brought food, four-year-old daughter and three year old son started screaming and throwing food. Dad said to them: "If you don't stop acting like that, today you will go to bed at 7 PM". Children continued to be naughty, and then mom said, "Well all. Today we go to bed at half-past six! " (Note: unfortunately, in this case, the consequence was distant, but was correlated with poor behavior was expressed by threat, so it was totally ineffective for children 3 and 4 years. Parents could choose more rapid consequence, for example, to change seats at the table so that one child and one adult was sitting on the one hand, and the other pair on the other, and so the children sat diagonally. Or the family can come and go or be placed in two groups in different parts of the restaurant and thus to finish his Breakfast, without disturbing other visitors).
- Determine what should be the consequences,
directly correlated with poor behavior, but do not resort to physical punishment.
- Think twice before you choose as the consequences of the words: "I don't love you". A small child may not always share his behavior and his personality, he may consider that reject him because of himself, not because of what he has done.
Lily saw how hurt and sad was her daughter, when she said, "You're crazy today. Therefore, no kiss at night and no lying together! "and vowed to himself never to speak. When they cozy "folded" together on the bed, was their favorite, it has strengthened her selfless love for her daughter.
- Try to have the child understand the relationship between the limitation and the activity to which it relates; speak convincingly, but do not shout. When the child listen to you and understand this relationship, it is easier for him to accept the rule.
- Carefully choose what to fight and what can wait for later;
you and all your family just go crazy, if you fight against all forms of unruly behavior. Ask yourself: "maybe it can wait for an hour? Or on the day? Or for a week? Or a year? "
After a few weeks of morning battles with my daughter due to the fact that she was dressed poorly, breathless mom made the icon, which was attached to the daughter of the dress. The icon was written: "I dressed myself and proud of it! "
- Think that "stands for" bad behavior, and try to consider these factors. (Possible bad behavior will not be, if you put a child to bed early or to give a clearer indication or to pay more attention to it, or maybe just to change a seat at the table).
Kate said to his three-year-old child who suddenly began to behave provocatively: "I see that you are very angry because of the fact that it is necessary to interrupt the game and go there. Understand that this is difficult when such an interesting game! After the meal, I would also like to see new cards, which yesterday brought to you dad." A very angry face brightened up, and they went together to the kitchen, all the time talking about football.
- Take a break to cool off when you are very angry and are unable to reason coolly. Honestly tell about their feelings: "I need to think about this" or "I need to leave the room to calm down! ".
Remember that corporal punishment is ineffective, in addition, you can cause a child injury.
- Try to explain what behavior is correct.
Children are more attentive to the words that do not contain "hysterical critics".
When four-year-old son of Anna suddenly quickly ran to the bridge, her first desire was to scream: "What's wrong with you? Don't you know how dangerous it is to cross the road? You can crushing machine! Do you want to bring me to a heart attack? " But instead, she grabbed her son by the arm and quietly but firmly said, "Always hold mom's hand when we cross the road".
- Be of good cheer!
You are not the only parent who is trying to use positive disciplinary strategy, discovers that his lips break down words that it does not fit. Don't worry! Remember, there's one great thing in parenting. If you did something wrong, you will always have another chance, and sooner than you think.
- Give your child the opportunity to solve the problem. In doing so, you help him learn to feel responsible for their actions. The family Council is often the child offers the best consequence, appropriate to the offense.
- Think in advance how to achieve success, instead of reacting to failure.
Rose was the story of his three-year-old twins on reception to the doctor. She knew that there they may have to wait in queue for about an hour. So yesterday, she found time to collect all that, in its opinion, may be necessary. And the next day in a doctor's office, she was well "armed" to make his "army" happy (light food, books, pencils, paper, toys for children). She was pleased that the children there was not a single skirmish.
- Decide that "no discussion never", "sometimes discussed" and that "always discussed". Your child will feel more confident and secure, if you will learn to understand that his world is predictable, and the limitations are not modified.
- To stop unwanted behavior, use the technique of "time-outs" and "distraction".
- Remember that the education discipline - it's a long process; realize that sometimes the most significant acquired not "in the midst of the incident, and over time. When both you and your child is upset, you are harder to listen to each other.
- Take advantage of "quiet time" the time before going to sleep, a family Council is to discuss with the child his recent bad behavior, repeat rules, to speculate on its future behavior and about the possible consequences.
- Think about what to do to raise a disciplined child with a healthy sense of "internal control".
Try to remember how educated you and share you memories, both positive and negative, with their spouse. Together you can better deal with disciplinary problems, but only accurately determine which approaches to the problem more satisfied with your family.
Olga and Denis remembered, as a child threatened with physical punishment for bad behavior. They had similar memories of what they felt inadequately, remembered not only feelings of embarrassment and humiliation, but also the desire to "rise" and even to get even with their parents. They also realized that obey the rules set by their parents, only out of a sense of fear or guilt. Denis remembered how often he had heard: "Wait, here's daddy come home!... You know how he usually says "not to use the strap - spoil the child". O Lord, do you want it? " And Olga remembered my fear and shame, when I heard: "How do you dare to do so. God will punish you! You need to improve, otherwise you never will reach! " They agreed that don't want to communicate with their children, and agreed on other possible approaches to the same problems.
- Understand that punishment is often provokes causing your child's behavior.
Experts say: "Children are often punished, as a rule, are deceitful and not more honest and responsible".
- Do not forget that the punishment can cause your child's desire for revenge and "get even". In addition, punishment leads to "fighting over who is stronger if the child refuses to obey. If your endless threats do not reach the effect, you desperately start looking even more severe punishment when the child again and again misbehaves or provokes your with them "battle." The situation becomes hopeless.
- Very heavily punished the child does not feel remorse for committing a misdemeanor, he may even decide that it's "got" just because you want to "get even" with him.
Alevtina noticed that some kids even want to be punished for an end to the violation and not to feel guilty and get the opportunity again to behave badly. She calls this behavior "accounting approach to bad behaviour".
CV
Consider the education of the discipline as a "gift" to do something positive for your child, not the deprivation of something by punishment; using positive disciplinary techniques, you gradually giving your child the gift of inner self-control.
Based on the book Gail Reichlin and Caroline Winkler "Pocket guide for parents"
Monday, August 4, 2014
Children discipline
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