A drama in three parts
What is the physiology of shame? As responds our body? Shame paralyzes, to face the surging blood, knees weak, it is impossible to make a step, despite a desperate desire to escape. The victim of shame loses control over his body. It's hard to breathe, quickens the heartbeat. Externally this feeling manifests itself as: shoulders and head down, face turned, gaze abstracted eyes down or running from side to side, eyes closed, and sometimes closed, face flushed, rapid pulse, breathing erratically. And, finally, turn to the third component is a subjective experience. Shame occurs when we violate the standards of the people around us. This is a reaction to the violation of any rules. When we feel shame, we usually fear that rejected us, and we'll be alone due to the fact that he had violated the real or imaginary external rules.
Run! But where?
In shame, there are two extreme, dangerous pole. The total lack of it leads to antisocial and "lawlessness". And excessive pristyennoi to the perception of his own mediocrity, worthlessness, is binding in its manifestations so that he can completely abandon the expression. The shame begets a desire to hide, to disappear ("ashamed"). And then mom and dad lead the children to a psychologist complaining shyness. On reception to the psychologist came the parents of 16-year-old boys. Believe that he is almost an adult, could hardly. Looked like a guy 12 years. Fragile, shy, yet gloomy and depressed. Large labor cost to engage him in conversation, just to hear the voice of. Mom was giving his son to take the initiative, all speaks for it. Dad is full of disdain, devalues son's own statements, shamed him, without any concern about the health of the teenager. And if at first the boy tries to protest and speak out, then you can see how his eyes fades, eyes down, her cheeks blazing away... Maybe this is the blush of shame. Becoming tense silence. Suffer all. Because such an attitude to the child existed since early childhood, this led to the fact that the boy began to hide behind "understand" mothers and grandmothers. And adolescent tasks of socialization came to the fore. Peers, as usual, it did not spare. Resources are shy, or rather ashamed of personality was blocked or inadequate for the expression. Such class is called "brake", or even more - "scored". His "hammer" of the house (and he stopped outside his room), and the other children finish, especially boys. In the end, neither recognition nor support. And the guy gave feedback is turned away from the world. Shame a child, when he has no place in the family. From the point of view of the people around him, he does everything wrong. And then there is a deep sense of shame and guilt. Uncomfortable becomes home. And sometimes - and just live. And then he finds a way: is hammered into the slot. And grows notorious. Or he breaks all social norms, runs away from home and joins the "bad" (often criminal) companies.
Science help
What's here to help? How to avoid such situations or to fix it? Look closely at the child carefully, with kindness and compassion. What he feels? After all, it is you yourself that these feelings about you too. Someone and you in childhood was so shamed and thereby devalue. Any strong, and even, God forbid, the public pristegivaniem harm the child, causing severe damage to his ego. The comments made in anger, always reset their own aggression. It is clear that we, too, suffer from this. But the responsibility in the relationship with children is always on us, adults. Patience and tact - that's the most important our helpers, because children are very fragile tool! Even for serious misconduct, it is recommended to shame the child only slightly. The senior - "I see your feelings". An adult sees my shame, knows how to deal with it, to analyze and to make it end, to separate it from myself. Don't delay, and to study, reflect and calm down. And to think what to do next. If you can do it for yourself, then teach it and their child. Open your senses. Tell us that you have not always turned out well, and it is normal for a live person. Then you install a good contact with your child. He may also stop elshitsa and he will open to you. Attention: carefully treat this frankly STI, it opens the resource area. "Yes, I was bad, but I searched and found out. And you will also be able, and you will". Tell the child that you love him as he is, that you will help him to cope with life circumstances and support in a difficult situation.
It is IMPORTANTparents talked about their feelings, but still remained at the adult position, giving the child resource. Dangerous if mom or dad is looking for support in children by giving them responsibility and emotional burden. Even worse, if one parent together with child, devalues the other. It turns out that the child should grow so that you could rely on it. Such a task is beyond the little man, for it is a very heavy responsibility. You adults should still be stronger than him, you are his protection. As soon as the child begins to hear something appropriate to his condition, he comes into contact with their own feelings and learn to understand them and then own them. The child with the parents learn to recognize their feelings. So start teaching the new alphabet, "ABC's feelings".
Author:
Trinity O., L. Rudnev
Source:
The health of the schoolchild
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