The first myth. He divorced because he wants freedomIt is believed that a man wants to get rid of the bonds of marriage, in order to obtain freedom and finally start doing what he was restricted in marriage spouse. Yes, maybe, sometimes, married men after another "study" on the subject, "you're friends are more my" dream about how to get rid of the control of the wife. But in reality, having split with his wife, the man quickly realizes that this "freedom".
The man rarely strives to total freedom after several years of marriage. They almost never go "nowhere", and much more - to a new partner. Another thing that is not always the case: whether the woman was not ready for such male "victim", or her relationship with now a free man acquired not too romantic overtones, the man realized that this woman was only a means to decide to leave her wife. But still, when a man decides to divorce, he rarely does this under the influence of emotions. Often this decision is thought out and the rears prepared.
Ruslan, 27 years: I don't see any freedom outside of marriage. Freedom from what? In principle, all that I want, and I can now do. On the contrary it is good that restricts me woman: from drunkenness, debauchery, degradation.
Ivan, 25 years: My wife and I do not live for more than a month (before that, he spent 8 years), feeling quite contradictory: it's madness to cool, then Vice versa - even hang. With all the friends finally talked, women too "comforted" that alcohol was no longer interested after the second drinking. The "freedom" to which you aspire, you no longer need and not interesting...
The second myth. Man easier going through divorce
I guess we all can think of someone you know men who are in a situation of parting with his wife are saying "if a demon possessed". It would seem that the correct father suddenly becomes a boy-revelers. But this, as mentioned above, the transient response. The ease and nonchalance of his behavior is only apparent. Problems much more...
The man rarely gets support in the eyes of the environment, especially if the initiator of the divorce he was. If a woman in this situation, support and regret, the man left alone with their feelings.
There are a lot of problems. Yes, he thought about his life, life after divorce. But to consider and deal with things in reality are two totally different things. To break the life was built a certain way, and household responsibilities were either divided or was on women's shoulders, and now he needs to cope with all by yourself. And the man in astonishment discovers that the food itself is not produced, the products have ceased to grow in the refrigerator, but a well-growing mountain of dirty socks and dishes. The woman is somewhat easier - it is more familiar to the household.
Often he has to live in another place. This further complicates life. A man accustomed to find familiar things in familiar places. In the case of a move, he has to arrange all over again, gradually transporting things from his wife and is constantly about something forgetting.
If the initiator of the divorce was the wife about any "ease" in the experiences of men out of the question. Of course, in this case, the man may appear to fly in the face so suddenly thrust upon him "freedom". They say, look, went away, well, okay, not one she is, of Uteshitelny few. But, of course, the situation when the wife herself decides to divorce, it is much more traumatic, because the man did not have time to prepare for this news, even if the relationship in the next few years were bad enough.
If adaptation to the situation of divorce, women are more emotionally saturated with negative feelings, women need less time, usually six months to a year to recover and begin to live again, but men need more time - about 1.5 - 2 years.
The third myth: He immediately becomes enviable groom
No matter who initiated the divorce, the society believes that the man now tidbit for women who want relationships. But this is not true, or probably true, but not immediately. Psychotherapist Nikolai Noritsyn describes several stages of interest women to a divorced man. These stages depend on how long ago divorced man.
stage 1 "I don't want! "
"Svejeispechennyi" a man needs a female affection, sympathy, and understanding. He needs to feel that he can be loved, that it is interesting. But women are not rushing into his arms, not counting those too just refer to sexual relations. But these women, as a rule, and not able to give a man that needs his soul, not body. The other ladies are not in a hurry to become "friends", because I understand that now a man more in need of a shoulder than a future spouse. Many of them are too categorical: "if divorced, mean, or just a rat or something in it is not as if his wife went away". Therefore, in the period when the man is most needed emotional communication, he is often left alone.
stage 2 "marry Me! "
After several months, the man gets used to a new way of life, finds benefits. It is not so desperately needs women, his attitude becomes more relaxed. But then that just people begin to marry him off, considering the miserable. While he was really unhappy, he was greeted with freedom, and now, when he came to himself and wants to live quietly, surrounding take on the role of matchmaker and begin hard to acquaint him with women. And the man afraid of this persistent attack. Women themselves also become increasingly. This is a new women's environment, and it treats it as a groom and not familiar with his former wife. And even if he clearly harmful inclinations, women begin to pity: "Oh, it's because he is unhappy! I understand, caress, console, will appreciate that I did not appreciate it, and all will be well..." And "butterflies" so much that a man is lost in the selection. He is comfortable: self-esteem restored, but many women have a lot to offer, so he is in no hurry to choose "the one the only. And women, cherishing the hope about the wedding, but tired of intractability men go. And the man only wanted they didn't come and didn't rush it.
stage 3 "I'm ready, but where are all the bride?! "
Finally a man Matures to re-marry, but candidates for this around becomes less: many women are simply not waited until it was ready. The abundance of women around is not observed, and it can cause confusion in men. But when the selection is small, it is easier to make. Most likely, the man knows what a woman is looking for, but since the divorce, enough time has passed, not to choose "wife-clone", which in the marriage will have the same problems as with the first.
Of course, this is not all the myths associated with how men are experiencing a gap and subsequent divorce. The difference between men and women in the perception of divorce and related experiences is rooted not only in the psychological difference between them. Society's expectations for men and women are different. And we cannot say that it is harder for women than men, or, on the contrary, men harder than women. Both hard, but in different ways. Binds them is that both husband and wife during a divorce is experiencing strong feelings of guilt, regardless of who initiated the divorce. Responsible for failed relationships lies on both.
- 65% of divorced men re-marry in the next five years, while convinced that the first wife was better
- 29% of divorced men trying to marry, even turning to marriage agencies
- 20% create a new family or a permanent couple only twenty years
- 15% marry in the period from 5 to 10 years after divorce
Author:
Marina Yu
Source:
Our psychology
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