It is not easy to sincerely say "sorry". Even harder to forgive someone who has caused resentment and hurt. But it is better to learn to do: forgive, we free ourselves from emotional pain and come to unexpected discoveries.Nothing is forgotten
Forgiveness is important and necessary property of the person. And, it would seem, to a specific point in the life of this skill are able to master each. But forgiveness forgiveness strife. It is one thing to forgive a person who has come to thee on foot in transport. He is guilty, but it is clear that he has committed his act not specifically. And quite another to forgive betrayal, unfounded accusations and claims, harsh words and actions. Especially if the offense caused loved ones.
And though the force of the experience each has its own and depends on the level of vulnerability, which is largely determined by the physiology, temperament, personality, education, psychologists assure that forgiveness is a very difficult and lengthy process. Often, in order to quickly get rid of disturbing thoughts and feelings, you want to forget a grudge or try as soon as possible to forgive the one who caused it. But this little helps and does not help.
- Finally forget inflicted on us offense is impossible, " says psychologist Jeanne Lurie. - It's like a thorn that goes inside: "skin" overgrown, and inside is an inflammatory process. And if the time cannot be stopped, it will progress. And then there is pain and the consequences of this event will be much harder.
Who is to blame?
Unfortunately, in our country many people do not know how to forgive - in Russia there is no such tradition and culture. It is believed that to forgive (to give forgiveness means to humiliate themselves. But many of us it is very important to remain master of the situation.
Moreover, we tend to look for blame in any situation and the verdict sometimes make not only themselves but also for others. It is no coincidence that among the victims, many feel guilty of it themselves, not the abuser. The only thing left to get ready for a long and hard work. But first we need to understand why you need to forgive and why it is important to do it.
- If the feelings do not go away, they destroy and mentally, and physically - convinced Jeanne Lurie. - Many somatic diseases are linked to the fact that people when someone you have not forgiven, and this cargo train reaches for him in life and brings a lot of problems. In this case a person, as a rule, are not aware that becomes the cause of his depression and ailments.
Impotence is also an ally
Not less important question is under what circumstances to forgive. It is considered that this should be done when the offender is aware of his guilt and ask for forgiveness. This is not the case. There are situations when it is necessary to forgive the dead people who have had nothing to ask. Experts believe that the forgiveness process is affected by his will when he understands that this step is important and necessary first of all for himself.
- Sometimes you have to forgive through powerlessness: when one is confronted with the fact that you cannot change, " says Jeanne Lurie. For example, the mother does not give adult daughters to live their lives constantly accuses, blames, not embracing you. Before daughter has a choice: to stay with his mother and being torn by conflicting feelings, to hate or to tread on the path of forgiveness. If the daughter will focus on the second option, you will gradually begin to recognize and Express their feelings, thoughts and desires that will allow it to start to live its own life. Forgiving her mother for what she could not change because of their age and personality, she forgives himself for the desire to have your own life. There is no guarantee that it will improve relations, but daughters will become much easier.
And really what you should not do is to take revenge on the offender. Maybe at some time held the revenge will calm down and will give the illusion of justice. But then committed its people likely to suffer guilt, to show aggression and ultimately destroy itself.
But does everyone always need to forgive? In Orthodox culture - Yes: if God forgave people for their sins, then what is left to mere mortals? But in real life this question everyone decides for himself.
Stages of a long journey
The way of forgiveness is often long and difficult. But in order to successfully reach the finish line, be prepared to overcome the possible psychological barriers.
Opening.
Often at this stage, one comes to the conclusion that the offense can radically change his life for the worse, and begins to doubt the existence of justice.
What to do? You must give vent all your feelings - anger, anger, shame, despair.
Decision-making. Offended aware of: anger at the whole world, on others doesn't help to get rid of pain.
What to do? You must understand that forgiveness can help heal and move on from anger to pain, pain to weakness, from helplessness to hope, and from hope to liberation and new life.
Action. At this stage the victim revises views on the situation in General, seeks to understand the causes that moved him the abuser. Maybe even begin to sympathize with him, putting themselves in his place.
What to do? It is important not to overdo it and not to look for excuses for the abuser. Especially if we are talking about violence.
Result. At the end of this process, a person decides to live on. Often experienced resentment impels him to search for new meanings, to set new goals. Lost the need to be angry, you receive a loyalty to the abuser. We can assume that the forgiveness process completed successfully.
Source:
Arguments and facts
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