However, not everything is so simple: what word to consider supporting - there are often discrepancies and substitution of sense. However, there is a firm indication that the parent is doing everything right, is the gratitude of the child. Any other reaction is an indicator of a failure in the relationship.
"Son is very strange responds to my support and encouragement, complains the mother of second grade. Such conversations almost always end in tears and refused to continue the job. For example, the son gets the three, comes home sad.
I told him, gently, not scolding: "you Must try! "
He responds immediately with a call: "I tried! "
I do not respond to his call: "Well, three times received, it is not enough tried".
Son: "I can't... I can't".
I: "What's stopping you? "
Son: "I am Anton whole lesson amused. I could not because of this focus".
Me: "It's easier to just blame on someone else. Have to answer for their actions".
The son says nothing, starts to cry. I'm starting to get angry, not soothe him so. How else to support him? "
Given the conversation of a mother and son illustrates, unfortunately, typical of substitution of meaning, where the communication is not the support of the child during the difficult psychologically situation, but something else.
Let us consider what contribution does each supporting sentence in the final result - the tears of a child.
So, the child makes a mistake, gets a mark lower than expected. He's upset, he comes home. Mom its not bashing, but says you must try! What this phrase means for your child?
The mother believes that her son has not put enough effort to achieve the desired result. Therefore, the child is ill, and the mother in this condition imposes a charge in an improper zeal.
Child protests: I tried! Mom breaks its resistance metal argument, appealing to the result. Now the child neither myself nor my mother could not prove that the efforts he had made.
Then the boy sings in his full insolvency: I can't... Here mom gives son provoking an opportunity to absolve themselves of blame for what is happening. However, this possibility it is provocative, as in the next replica mother son returns guilt in the double volume. Double for what has shifted the responsibility on external circumstances - though it is my mother's question (what's stopping you? ) prompted the son to the answer for which he had to pay.
From powerlessness, from unwillingness to fall into the traps set by the mother, the boy goes into mourning. Maybe now, seeing his genuine grief, his mother will regret it and will support?
No. The mother, seeing the tears, says son spineless and easily provoked: I support it-support, and he does not appreciate - roars. But could and punish low level.
In this approach, the mother is perceived insidious monster. But in fact it is not, the mother supports her son as he can. Or as he supported her in childhood. At the level of feelings, memories remain, no sensations from these words, only the words themselves: you must try!
To take the place of the child in this situation quite easily. You can imagine how the husband, trying dinner, frowns and says, "Burgers today failed! We need to do better! "
Once there is a sensation caused injustice: it could sit in the series, and for dinner to cook store of meat, but I made burgers, I tried...
And then you can repeat the whole conversation of a mother and son with only minor changes. Unpleasant picture.
Summarizing, we can say the following: conventional educational stamps (you must try! do not support the function.
They have a different task, like all phrases beginning with the word "must" - usually it is the control and indicating the error. In this situation (and others like it) is redundant, child and so upset.
If you look at what is happening through the eyes of a child, supporting words is much easier to find. What I would like to hear from a spouse if not entirely successful meatballs? Yeah, whatever, but not instructive: "you Must try! "
Source:
School of life
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