Think about it: how often do you have to meet women who freely Express their anger? Guilt, shame, confusion, dull irritation, dissatisfaction with life, unwillingness to accept the status quo and then the fear of losing love ones - these negative emotions can be found at every step. But the woman, on the face which reflects the real all - consuming anger-this you will not see almost never.
Try to conduct a survey among friends. Most of them will probably say that generally do not feel any anger. But where then are those who, without raising his voice; he bringeth close small nagging? And those who are willing to bit my tongue every time I want to scream? And those who deliberately suppresses his anger, until one day it does not accumulate to a critical mass and not turn into a real scandal with swords drawn, slamming doors and such charges, after which it is almost impossible to continue to live together?
You cannot suppress your anger - you must have read dozens of times. But to openly show it too often it is impossible: the society is very disapprovingly refers to angry women. So what to do? Psychologists have developed a methodology that will allow us to understand with anger - without harm to loved ones and our dishes.
1. Think about it: what prevents you to openly Express emotions? Psychologists have come to the conclusion that anger is one of the basic emotions inherent in each of us. Learning to control ourselves, we would tame this destructive force. Because anger can be useful, and in some situations is vital. Numerous studies conducted in the twentieth century, proved that men and women laid the same mechanism of expression of negative emotions. When both sexes participated in experiments involving the measurement of the level of anger and irritation, the results were the same in men and women.
However, social stereotypes remain unchanged. The man who does not hide his anger, perceived by others as a strong, active man. The woman - as unbalanced person, or even a bitch. In 2008, Yale University conducted the study. Two groups of subjects - men and women were shown a video in which actors of different sex played scenes interview when applying for a job. All the candidates spoke in a raised voice, demanding higher wages. All the participants felt that angry men really deserve a higher salary. And women called "incompetent" and "not knowing how to control myself". A woman who shows his anger, loses the respect of others.
According to surveys, most women feel ashamed if they demonstrate to others his anger. So they try to curb my anger and hide it, and if they don't apologize. Because none of us want to be the bitch in the eyes of relatives, so we try to hide their emotions from themselves and from others.
2. Admit it: you try to hide your anger? Perhaps this situation will seem vaguely familiar. "No, I'm not angry at you, I'm just a little disappointed". Sigh. "I'm all right. I'm not angry at you, but with herself. I'm probably guilty of everything". - "I agreed to take your mom with us on vacation. So why should I be angry? I just didn't think it would happen this year and you'll tell her about it before me." "Yes, I know it was said that everything is in order. But you know what? You gave me out! Himself rest with his mother! But for me this holiday gift is not necessary! I'd rather be from morning till night the wagons to unload! Fuck you both!!! "
What happens if we are unable to Express their anger openly? Someone consciously restrain myself from last forces. Some, without knowing it, and turn their anger on themselves. Others deny that in General feel this emotion, and this translates into passive aggression - as in the situation above. There are those who tear their anger at first, tucked under the arm, instead of just angry!
What can you do? The most sensible thing is to admit to yourself that you are angry, and not hide from himself the cause of anger. If there are people with whom you can openly talk to, pour out his soul. If none, will retire and vyplesnite negative emotions. Colorite pillow, beat feet of the wall, slam the door. A good option is to throw it in the wall flatware: to break them difficult, but the noise will be many. If the tantrum caught up with you at work, leave for a short time on the street and walk around the building at a good pace. This will help relieve stress.
3. Find out the relationship.
When you beat a pillow several times circled around the office building, finished breathing exercises and feel that you have calmed down, it's time to take decisive action. It's time to meet face-to-face with the recipient of your anger. Do not break your head over the question: "if I show anger or not? " There are more important task: "How to solve the problem, which makes me angry? "
If you have a difficult conversation, try to stick to the "I-statements". We should start a phrase like this: "I think that..." If you talk about yourself and your reactions, your opponent will find it more difficult to argue with you. If you use "you-skazaniye" ("You've done so, and it's wrong..."), the other party will have to defend himself, and the conversation comes to a standstill. Use facts, not emotion.
4. Assess the possibilities: what happens if you keep silent? Often it is easier for us to pretend that nothing happened. Worth thinking about: why do you make such a decision? You are afraid of losing the love and sympathy of others? In this case, your irritation will accumulate and will result in passive aggression. You will still lose the location of those who are near you.
Silence is gold, but in another situation. Your silence exacerbates the problem, confusing relationships. He who keeps his emotions, suffering from excess weight, depression, stress and cardiovascular disease. Your silence is failure to remove the cause of the irritation.
5. Do not torture yourself with guilt.
You have completed all of the above, came to a colleague or spouse to quietly talk about the problem, but... failed. And saying much, now you are ashamed. How can that be? Please apologize for your emotions: "I am sorry that I broke. Sorry I offended you." And then immediately get to the point: "However, I would like to discuss what is happening to resolve the problem and stop the showdown".
6. Do not try to control others. You have not reached an understanding with those who caused your anger? Remember, you can only control yourself, not the reaction. Very few people will like to listen to criticism in his address. We consider ourselves good people and professionals. If we indicate otherwise, we feel discontent. If you believe he is right, don't back down. Listen, what would you say the interlocutor, and repeat his idea, modifying it. While you will not hear or not a compromise can be found.
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