The extent to which you can open yourself to another person, "then to not be excruciatingly painful"?
I am a talker. The most pleasant thing for me is to share with someone your thoughts, feelings, impressions. I still keep the page from the school diary to record teacher: "physics is not shut his mouth". But seriously, I really any fun it's no fun if I can't get it to someone to discuss. Speaking, I experience it all over again, and not know when they are experiencing more pleasure. I always thought that frankness, openness is good quality. However, several recent events have caused me to doubt it. And I decided to write to you.
The language of dismissal will bring
From a letter reader
Because of its "incontinence of speech" I lost my job. The atmosphere in our company was worse than ever: Safina and her Deputy were fighting for power. Our office plankton with interest watched and actively discussed. One day my co-worker went to work, and I'm pretty mockingly spoke about the boss. Less than two days, as Safina called me and said, "Well, how are we now going to work together, if you like about me? " You can imagine what I felt at that moment? A colleague swears that did not pass the boss our conversation. But these are tales for younger children...
Comment by psychologist
There is a joke. The lady says, "How do I know what I think, if I be silent? " There really is this type of person for whom the experience, relationships, feelings become realities only if they are announced. Such people are very hard to keep his thoughts unspoken. They somehow believe that others will be silent and keep their secrets. In the team almost always, sooner or later, rumors reach the ears of those who speak. Not the fact in this case, that a friend immediately ran to inform the boss about what he heard. She could casually mention it in conversation with someone from the team. And then it went up the chain. And the smaller the company, the faster spread rumors. So at work it is better not to share with anyone his negative emotions. If you well, makes me want to talk about it, tell all your friend who works in another location.
Jinxed?
From a letter reader
I had to submit a letter of resignation. But as they say, do not have a hundred rubles, and a hundred friends. I phoned their friends, and by the end of the first week I had one very attractive offer: more money and a more liberal regime, and closer to home. At work I did not hide that he had found a good place - let them know how valuable frame they lose. It had already been decided. And suddenly... I was refused. You know, I don't believe in different link for better quality fairy tale type of evil eye. But then what was it?
Comment by psychologist
There are things that science can not yet explain. But people from ancient times noticed that if loudly and emotionally to announce the upcoming happy event, it may not happen. So how can long hide a pregnancy, preparation for the wedding, not praised at all children. And now in some serious Western companies internal order allow employees to talk about the plans of the company as long as they are not implemented. And if you have, you are required to inform only in the subjunctive mood. That could happen in this case: someone from envy called the organization, which was about our heroine, and made unflattering remarks about her? Having heard about the vacancy, swooped in, say, a relative or friend of someone from her former team? Or indeed something inexplicable happened: lifted wave of envy and ill-will among colleagues somehow "removed" joyful event? We don't know. But in any case it is better not to let sleeping dogs lie and not tell about events that have not yet occurred, as something already solved.
And he left without saying goodbye...
From a letter reader
Well, if in the case of work on me "bedevilled" envious, in this story, I think I "jinxed" itself. In fact, I recently met a very nice man. With anyone else in my life I was not so easy. Men rarely know how to listen, and this surprisingly had to himself, was attentive, caring. And I told him everything that I had to worry about how her first husband was teasing me, as my daughter wandered on rent apartments, as I was lying in hospital with suspected the worst. I wanted to talk. At the second meeting I began to tell her friends at work betrayed me, and I nearly got on the street. But... this man tried to round out the conversation: "Well, that was - that has passed". And the third time we have not met - he referred to the employment.
Comment by psychologist
In movies we often see scenes like a strong, noble man, woman listens carefully, presses it to his chest and says something like: "Now all will be well, dear! I'll take care of you." But in real life, men seldom make lady's complaint. They don't understand what we want from them only sympathy and support. Our complaints to the strong floor perceives as a guide to action: "the Man is bad - need help". But how will help if all the troubles some in the past? And if a woman continues to talk about what a terrible happened to her before, a man feels a sense of embarrassment and a desire to get away from the ladies, which "loads". Therefore, the generation stage of the relationship it is better not to tell people about their past troubles. Someday you may be, do, if you want. But not now, not right away.
And sturgeon with the spirit?
From a letter reader
I am a sociable person and I have many friends. But of course, among them there are the close friend. I can call her at any time of the day or night and know she will always listen, always ready to help. And that's when I met this man, about which wrote in a previous letter, I was in seventh heaven from happiness. Came home immediately for the phone to call her friend to share emotions. And suddenly I heard its pretty restrained voice, she didn't want to know the details, it was felt that trying to end the call. I was in shock. What happens: we are only friends in misfortune? That is, can share only bad news? And if someone of us happy - it must get lonely?
Comment by psychologist
Yes, for such an open person as the author of the letter, not to share positive emotions is a real drama. It's still as most joy-it was not. But to have a Frank conversation must be ready not only one who wants to share the secret, but who is going to listen. Remember the scene in Chekhov's story "the lady with the dog"? Gurov in a burst of candor says random person: "If you knew what a charming woman I met in Yalta! " The same that is configured entirely the other way, after some time, says: "But just now you were right: sturgeon something with flavor! " At school we were told that this scene demonstrates the limitations of the Philistines. Actually this error Gurov: need to know who you're talking about deeply personal and at what point.
Your girlfriend could be a guest in the moment when you called. Or soup on the stove, just about ready to run away. Or maybe just the woman was not in the mood to listen to someone else's revelation. So before you throw out your emotions, evaluate: whether it was appropriate to do it now, with this man. Otherwise, it can be painful and frustrating.
P.S. reader
Here already half a year we conduct correspondence with the psychologist. And during this time I realized that frankness I often harm that should be more restrained. But recently I had an experience that caused me to doubt these conclusions. Three months ago, the company where I work now, there's a new employee. And during this time we did not know anything about her: is she married, does she have children, what she thinks on a particular occasion. Came a new wave of cuts. And what do you think, who was fired? Properly, this same lady. So maybe not so bad to be open?
P.S. psychologist
Indeed, sociable, communicative people like more than closed. The man who does terrible secrets of his personal life, which does not hide his own opinion, is more intuitive than the one that "his mind". But everything is good in moderation. Determine for yourself the turn of revelation, you will not move under any circumstances. Make a list: for example, you will never be with anyone to talk about sexual problems with your partner. Or about their gynecological diseases. Or mother's influence on your life. And as soon as the conversation comes to a close the topic, alert and say to yourself, "Stop! " Excessive frankness then causes a feeling of embarrassment is not the only one who tells, but he who listens. It is better if you will nobly restrained - then communication with you no one will take the inconvenience.
Author:
Bolshakova L
Source:
Best4Woman.ru
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