Love and money was never considered a good pair. We want to believe that our best, clean feel to any payments not subject. And yet this is an illusion. Today and in family relationships money plays an increasingly important role.
Quarrels over money increase at a moment when two people are experiencing a crisis in relations. "Actually, " explains psychoanalyst and family therapist Bernard Prieur (Bernard Prieur), partners squabble over other things: sexual dissatisfaction, lack of care, inability to pursue a career... But to formulate such experiences are difficult, they are easier to replace the "obvious" financial problems".
But what lies behind the organization of our life? "The pot", split the cost or something in between these extremes according to psychoanalysts, the form of budget maintenance in our pair says about us very much. Consider these three options in more detail.
Total money: the desire to control everything
"All that is mine is yours, all yours is mine." "The pot" subject to the logic of combining a couple of. This relationship comes from the most traditional social models in the past corresponded to the classical organization of the family in which one spouse (woman) did not work. "Today it is no longer necessary, - says family psychologist Inna Khamitov. - This organization budget can talk about deep intimacy between partners: in addition to the two separate "I" of a pair is greater "we", and this is including in the community of material values".
The picture is not so rare: a husband brings home his pay to his wife... and then requires a report on family expenses. If one of the partners becomes difficult to evaluate their actions and financial decisions, the total budget may give another opportunity to abuse its power.
This type of relationship is created both: controlled, and controlling, need to be closer to the other member of the pair. "Victim" wants only to strengthen relationships, even making any negative actions. "So, woman, usausausa in unnecessary spending, thus can Express her wish that her husband has changed, for example by ceasing to little things," explains Bernard Prier. "Controller" also wants to be as close as possible to the other, with which he never parted. Both of these behaviors eventually lead to a result opposite to the expected. "This is the most reliable way to lose your partner," warns Bernard Prier.
Separate waste: the struggle for power
There are pairs in which each owns its own Bank account, partners share "spheres of influence", carefully recording all income and expenses, and make money in the family budget in proportion to their livelihood. Maybe this commitment to equality and should serve as a model for a truly modern relationships? "This financial regime is most often chosen by young couples in which both partners work, " says Bernard Prier. And I often see them in his office: they come to the reception, desperate just to paint on their papers, who, what and when bought. Their life becomes a perpetual accounting, all is fixed, because deep down they are constantly competing".
Needless to abandon the joint management of the budget and perceive your Bank card as something extremely personal? No, this is another sure way to weaken the relationship.
Our way to an account is a reflection of inner confidence which we feel for our partner and to your own decision about the beginning of life together with him. Not to take anything or do not want to calculate the budget together - all these manifestations of the desire to remain "his", to refuse to share with others in the broad sense of the word. To consider means to consciously accept the fact that you give something and then take another man. And the refusal of the calculations associated with the risk to push yourself a kind of inner duty partner. Each of us in common life we must learn how to give and receive.
Together and apart: a true partnership?
In theory, a synthesis of the previous two models may be the ideal solution. In General cashier materializes the idea of Union, embodied communication between partners, and your own Bank card gives everyone the opportunity to breathe freely. Such a scheme closer and to equal partnership in the family. However, discomfort may occur if one partner earns less than the other: it is rare to be able to afford some nice things and will feel less independent.
Finally, reminiscent of Bernard Prier, this alternative requires internal maturity: "we Need to be able to accept this reality: when we begin to live together with others, our personal area of freedom decreases. And besides, couple relationship never developed "straight". It is money to help us conclude with one another symbolic agreement about what all we will deal together, and in joy and in sorrow".
Source:
Women's information and entertainment portal WDay.ru
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