The operative moral support and intellectual support modern daughter-in-law found in online communities. Facebook, for example, operates Swagruha.ru", where there is a lot of fresh stories, the main character of which has been the mother-in-law. LJ has and balanced community "of Navestock.ru". In contrast to the lively "Swagruha", the life in him barely a glimmer. Appear once in a hundred years posts - examples-in-law with their own hands built a good relationship with daughters-in-law. The last time vividly discuss their pretty stereotypical claims to the law, which:
- repairing obstacles to their marriage;
- poorly educated son;
- unauthorized claim of moral and material help of the son;
- invade the bathroom/kitchen/bedroom/closets without a preliminary knock/ring/permissions daughter;
- give unwanted advice;
- not so smell, dress, cook, watch TV, read, talk to them, give gifts;
- inappropriate and/or in spite of ill.
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Ad hominem attacks
In addition to the complaint in the community to Express concerns and give advice on how to behave in this or another similar (also another question) situation. Emotional discussions usually tied around tips to look differently at the situation. Sometimes the authors suggest to see in-law of a man. Among others, these proposals look very advanced in the spirit of professional psychology, which considers the family as a system of interpersonal relations. In our days more and more people come to build a family on that basis. And many already seems axiomatic that the Foundation of the family must be based on love and personal compatibility between husband and wife. And what was the start of a family are of the attitude of the two.
On the role of historical scenery in the family scenes
However, throughout the development of human society, the family was never built on the basis of feelings and personal relationship between two individuals. This trend has begun to dominate only in the twentieth century, when the so-called industrial family totally pushed the family tradition.
The main in the family was my grandfather. The grandmother. Next in seniority married sons, then their wives, unmarried sons and daughters and children of married sons.
Younger childless sister-in-law in the hierarchy of the traditional family has occupied the lowest step, however, giving birth, raising children, starting to live in their home and marrying sons, she was able to achieve higher for women stage in the family hierarchy to become a mother - in-law. The traditional family was large, and, hence, the probability of birth is not only girls but also boys for each women was high. She gave daughters in the family of her husband and at the same time took into his family the wives of the sons.
Traditional mother-in-law had a say over the choice of the bride; had accumulated over the years and own labour power in the family and the right to dispose of its property; had a guarantee of caring family members in case of sickness and old age.
Traditional daughter-in-law had no right to choose her husband, being married, had no opportunity to leave the family, was subordinate in the first place from the father-in-law and then her husband.
The lawlessness of the bride can look depressing, if you ignore the main point. It was the first step on her way to the family omnipotence of the mother-in-law and had a functional rather than personal meaning.
"Cast down and lifted up"
For external signs of the industrial family: lifetime fertility, the loss of the primacy of men, a brief period of existence - is a change in system quality. Family traditional regulated family life, and modern family-centered individual. Family, of course, remains the centre of domestic life, but the position of the person in it has changed. Insufficient personal satisfaction of their position in the family today is recognized by the company sufficient reason for breaking up with her.
Mother-in-law in the industrial and post-industrial family. She did not ask the blessing on the marriage and often just put before the appearance of the bride in the house; it has no right to family leadership of the son and of the membership; the opportunity to babysit or at least to see grandchildren depends on how the rest of her relationship with her daughter-in-law; will the son and his family members to take care of her in old age, in sickness, as it is not guaranteed. Daughter-in-law in the industrial and post-industrial family has full personal freedom in the choice of her future husband, as well as in establishing relations with all members of his family; has legalized the right at any time to terminate the marital relationship and also has no a priori guaranteed obligations future children and husband care in old age.
The vector of power in the relationship between daughters-in-law" and "law" turned 180 degrees. However, judging by the fact that I write about them in "Swagruha.ru", cast down from the commanding heights of many modern mother-in-law continue by inertia to act from a position of strength. Poured it into a farce, the less funny the more the gap between the actual situation of Marivanna and its attributes Patriarchal mother-in-law: husband, many children, money, real personal power. Now what was she to do? Perhaps, learn to tell the difference between really developing relationships and automatic execution of the role of yesterday's play. And not to forget that people are acting from a position of strength, which does not have, rarely cause sympathy.
Why mother in law cling to their old role, is easy to understand. Harder to grasp why it is so hard to part with "disenfranchised daughter" modern, young, and therefore, in theory, more mobile and ready for a new woman? Why, having so much freedom in the device order in the family, they just use it first to find a worthy partner on the role of the "terrible mother", and then long with her to sing a duet?
It needs to start with the belief that she is not the mother-in-law decides to be together or not. But now all on the contrary. Not less striking force of resistance to the awareness of our biologically objective fact that every man has a mother. So if we have chosen for yourself, complete with mother and other relatives. We don't think about it, not because fools, but because the choice of a husband being implemented in the logic of the other plays, in which about individual relations. So the first conflict between the old and new family roles in the head two ladies.
One imagines that it can choose the daughter-in-law, but in fact can not. Second, on the contrary, has the choice, just do not know how to dispose of it wisely. And as sensibly dispose of unheard-of freedom of choice in sexual and marriage partners? According to the principle: "Oh, without you I can't! "? For the test? By horoscope? How to deal with mutual freedom at any time to unilaterally terminate not only love, but marriage? Some issues. The absence of ready and simple answer makes family life a whole new risk, which is not known by the traditional family.
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"Very interesting, but need practical recommendations," said anxiously, after reading the above, my dear young one of the staff. Honestly, I don't know what you can advise on this topic from the pages of the magazine. After all, family situation, all completely different, and sometimes very difficult.
Common to them is only that in the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law always is the link: husband/son. Its role in the transition from traditional to modern family, too, has changed dramatically. Because a given family role hierarchy is no more, and the question of what the relationship will be built between the three independent people, is independent from the three men.
Therefore, to decide who will be the leader in the family, have each family independently. As well as to develop a relationship rules and boundaries to it. The freedom to choose and to be chosen, the freedom to decide provokes, tempts and creates risks. However, it also gives the freedom to learn, to try, to create a new, optional pre-razing of the old.
At the writing of this article inspired me six months reading community "Swagruha.ru". In hot discussions of individual situations is now living process of collective processing of group norms.
Here's what I think, if we discover today again traditional medicine, why and family development in the future not to go in the direction of the reopening and reconsideration of traditional forms of family relationships? Will go? Depends on all of us. So we'll see.
There is a solution!
Julia Marina, psychologist, sociologist
- Try to be less suspicious. It so happens that the experience of relations "daughter-in-law-mother-in-law for several years, and one or two women are still waiting for "the catch". Do not be guided by stereotypes, evaluate after the fact.
- I am not complaining about what each of you is "not perfect". You can be proud of? You should not think that our "Dudinka" something better than someone else. They're just different.
- Mother-in-law love to give advice, which they often have no one asks. But daughter-in-law sometimes advise mother-in-law no less, and stare at her home environment, sneer over her views on life.
- Do not make her husband and son's "trump card", don't try to "win" him over to his side, proving that you are right. Remember that both of you are the most dear to him women, each of you his place in the family system and the right to be.
- Try to imagine yourself in the role of mother-in-law. This is your daughter-in-law treats you the way you now feel about the mother-in-law. It limits you in communicating with your baby requires unambiguous performance of his "orders" to care for him. Does not want to see you visiting and jealous when your son gives you time. Appreciated? Seek partnerships.
- Talk to one another, find common conflict-free themes. Consent even a few questions significantly improves relationships. Try to not only listen, but hear what he says each of you. Thank each other, trying to find reasons for gratitude.
Source:
Our Psychology
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