"I don't know what to do, " complained Anna, mother of 21-year-old Sergei. - My son is studying in the fourth year of paid Institute. Of course, I pay for his education, because education is very important. But I hoped that he gradually will work, there is such possibility. Thought even that soon will be able to help me financially. Recently, however, he stated that I owed it to provide, because the work wherever it is going. We live together, I'm 55 years old, and I am afraid that long to keep it I can't. Because he needed money and clothing, and entertainment, and travel - he was not used to save..." Psychologists say that such complaints parents to adult children - the phenomenon is very frequent. Most parents are convinced that up to 20-25 years, they should give the child welfare, education, carefree life, housing... And then when to Finance the growing needs becomes hard, the parents suddenly find that grown-up son or daughter and other is not. At this point, and are born out of conflict.
"You are an adult and should provide for themselves," says parent. "And what has changed? " - sincerely wonder child, in whose consciousness is really no changes have occurred. The criticism he considers offensive.
"If I start up the conversation about what would be good to work, to take responsibility for something, they respond to you: "you Again about money! Any more can not speak," says Alla living together with 23-year-old son, and I all my life only for him tried. Now he is angry, says that he will leave, that I was tortured nagging and his greed".
Boundary childhood
When the child becomes an adult? Some believe that this happens on the day when he reaches the age of 18, others are convinced that the studies in the Institute still refers to adolescence, and adulthood begins with the receipt of the work. There are still supporters of views: "I will marry/Eugene, I can breathe". The result of this blurring of boundaries is often a contradiction: on the one hand, with 18-20 year old adults require solutions, and on the other hand, do not allow yourself to manage your life. And adults are at a loss: when the child ceases to be a teenager?
At different times in different cultures people have tried to solve this problem. And often spent the border artificially, through rites and rituals. For example, in most tribes of Australia and Africa, there is the ritual of initiation. Typically, the drama of the ritual is built on overcoming danger, threat to the life, often at the time of death, through which must pass to move on to another quality. It's the death of childhood and the birth of a Mature man. In strictly certain age the child is initiated and since then officially considered an adult.
In our culture such rituals is not, so every family is forced to seek the guidance itself. That can be a symptom of maturity? "Young individual, once wrote a famous French psychoanalyst françoise Dolto, - out of adolescence, when the alarm for him by his own parents does not make him a braking action.
What I say is not very pleasant for the parents, but this is the truth, which will help them to clearly see the big picture: their children became older, once they are able to break free from parental influence, thinking to himself about the following: "Parents are parents, they don't change, but I'm not trying to change them. They don't accept me as I am, so much the worse for them, I'm going." And go without any feeling of guilt. At this point, a dramatic turnaround most parents tend to blame their children, because they cause them to suffer. The parents ' concern grows: "What will happen to them, because they have no experience?.." and so on and so forth.
Replacement of the ritual of initiation may become, according to Francoise Dolto, a youth project, a dream, the implementation of which is associated with serious effort and sometimes even danger. Most make money, to make unusual, even risky journey - dream about it suggests that the teenager is in a transition phase from adolescence to adulthood. And from the behavior of adults at this point depends on how this transition will take place. Best of all this dream feed, and not to contradict her. "If adolescents have some kind of project, " says Dolto, even in the long term, it will save you. You want something fueled his ideas. This is what makes the waiting bearable when you're in purgatory my youth, in a state of powerlessness and economic dependence..."
School of maturation
But that raised the child was able to realize his project, his dream, he must have the tools to do this. And adolescence is the best time to teach a teenager to carry responsibility. To cultivate this quality in child - like to walk the line, because you have to manage to find a balance between control and freedom, and prudence.
1. Do not confuse responsibility with obedience and diligence
Often parents wish the child was able to answer for himself, but at the same time subjected to strict control and require total obedience. The child must answer for every transgression of it and is responsible. For example, parents say: "you Have the room is a terrible mess! That the evening was all removed". And how exactly the child will perform this task will depend conclusion: he can answer for himself or not? But we all understand: the older the child, the more likely it is that he will not do what he is asked. Why? Yes because he believes this is a mess, his opinion no one asked and no choice was given. And all of his wine in defiance. And to be responsible means of its own free will to make decisions, to understand the need for action and to bring it to the end. In a young child this feeling can "train" together to discuss, to give the opportunity to choose responsibilities (e.g., home, care for animals and t. n.and to tell "technology" perform.
2. Think about the child as a person responsible, talk to him and to others about it
The fact that children in the estimates themselves are guided by the assessment of adults. When you believe: "If it does not make it never happen don't do it," the child installation that takes over. And really will not do anything without pressure. Try changing the inner attitudes from negative to positive: instead of "he is unable to make decisions " let it be "I trust the child, he is responsible for their actions and can take care of myself." If you really have to believe in it, believe and child, and therefore, will be to act differently.
3. Do not hide from Teens information about how much you spend
Many parents do not believe, how much they cost the child, believing that "he should be all. When the son or daughter gets older, the cost will rise - parents are often forced to limit yourself. But the child about it sometimes did not even suspect, getting used to the fact that all his needs are always met.
4. Determine at what age the child will be required to provide himself
Let it be, for example, 18 years of age or the end of the first year of the Institute. And make an agreement in advance with your child about this. From time to time to remind him: "in a year (two or three) you need to find a job, to pay my expenses..." Be firm and consistent, follow his decision, even if you think that your child is not yet ready.
5. Do not rush to meet all the needs of the child
If a person three times a day there is food on the table, if he always cleaned the apartment, at the right moment see the clothes, computer, books, money for the holidays, then there is no incentive to become self-reliant. In order to avoid quarrels, agree that you will gradually begin to reduce their financial presence in the child's life. It is best to make a program for a couple of years or a few months.
6. Learn to handle money
To do this, first you have to talk with your child about how he sees his future, what kind of salary counts, what needs he has and so on, Then discuss the rule of the financial report of all issued you the money. So the child learns to control their costs and be responsible for spending. (But, of course, do not distribute this rule to the money that he earns himself.) And, finally, help gradually move towards self - reliance is to create your personal budget, to find suitable employment, independent housing. Keep in mind - a teenager and a young man ought every day to know exactly what money he has for a week or a month.
7. Do not fall for provocations
It is quite natural that the first time, the child will try to return to its former warm place, where he was given and nothing was required. Sometimes you will be unbearably sorry for him, and you will catch yourself thinking: "what should I buy her this dress? " or "am I not to feed your only son? "
It is up to you now depends on whether your grown child to become an adult free man, able to take responsibility for themselves and for their loved ones. If you are calm, friendly, but firm, your efforts will come back to you thanks. As it happened, Marina, mother of 20-year-old Ani: "In the 10th grade daughter began an affair, just a nightmare for us parents. The boy went for the gold medal, all launched, the daughter even abandoned learn. Started scandals in the 11th grade in the first half stood two, but she was still. I had to run to the teachers and to "negotiate". The daughter and her boy played the role of Romeo and Juliet that evil people don't give to live and to love. To all my "screaming" was one response: "I am an adult independent person and live as you wish". Time was passing, had exams and admission to the Institute. I was looking for moves-outputs, it seemed to me, at any price it should be thrust into the University, but how else? Anya was sure that it would be that it "will be".
But one day I suddenly realized what to do. In response to another "I'm an adult, I am," I replied, "Adult independent lives in their own money and not depend on others". I suggested her to move after school in the apartment (which we bought three years ago, for the future) and his help in the employment Secretary. And that's all. Any institutions, Tutors, bribes, money. She decided that it was a joke, shouting that do not go to work. However, after graduation, her belongings were transported in a refurbished apartment, and I gave the phone that she had to call to have an interview.
The following year his daughter lived on a modest salary of the Secretary, worked for 8 hours a day, got up at 6 am to get to work. With the boy she broke up after six months of living together. She went on courses and summer went to College.
I must say that we had in that year a bit. It was difficult for me to force myself her NOT to call every day, don'T know if she's back home, how she is doing. But I told myself that ditch the umbilical cord is better for my daughter in the first place.
Exactly one year later I "got" another man, who thanked me for this "surgery". Since then my daughter and I are great friends, she graduated from the Institute, found a new job. Never anything I have not asked and are very grateful when I make her gifts. She has a new boyfriend and we have been friends houses".
Something to read
Françoise Dolto "On the side of the teenager"
Julia Gippenreiter "Continue to communicate with the child. So? "
Robert T. Kiyosaki and Sharon L. Lecturer "Rich dad, poor dad for Teens"
JoLayne Hofri "How to teach a child to handle money"
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