Until the moment, when you are criticized, the whole universe revolved around you, you were the center of the universe and accepted yourself for who you are, not thinking about its imperfection.And here you have someone for the first time explained that you are not good enough. What you do not like and do not like when you behave like this. That someone may be you are unhappy. That someone you may not like. And you begin to see the world. Not the same as it was for you baby good fairy tales, and the real world.
You can say that your manhood begins when you learn that such criticism. Then begin your "adult" relationship with life and in General with people. Begin to form your self-esteem.
Much of this history depends on who and how you criticized. It normally includes parents, relatives, teachers or peers. I know a few women and their fates. Each critic has played a special role.
- Veronica criticism broke all my life. She grew up insecure, shy, terribly vulnerable, afraid of people, and as a consequence, lonely.
- Sonia criticism angered. She became aggressive and vengeful, attacking all who came to hand.
Luda, thanks criticism, increased insensible, hardened, as if it were inanimate. She was scared to open up to people, afraid to fall in love, she closed all and all.
- Lena became touchy and sorryyou, she is ready to commit suicide from any careless words.
- Oksana grew up normal. She was an adult and responsible. Good, but not the cloth. Strong, but not evil. She is sensitive, but not too touchy. She knows she's not perfect, but accepts it as a given, not as a universal catastrophe.
If a child's parents or teacher you are often criticized, the attack was more than praise and support, you develop such a strong defense that you just don't hear the information, if they say it's critical tone.
If your parents bragged you, inspired you with the idea that you always and all the very best, careless word in your address may cause a revolution in the soul: how it is: you said that you are perfection itself! You grow resentful and criticism react childishly, i.e., resenting.
If a woman criticizes her husband for quite a long time, "he otmolazhivaetsja", goes on the defensive and stop responding. However, we should not think that the sense of self-importance he does not suffer. Sooner or later he "for balance" will find the woman they admire. One criticizes (wife) and the other admires. While the wife is convinced that she improves her husband, brings him in the right direction. Actually it only alienates him from himself. No wonder there is a saying: "the Making of her husband's person, remember that you're doing it to another woman".
Like all - mission impossible
Remember: the higher you climb up the career and social ladder, the more people around you will be unhappy with you. Well, judge for yourself: how many people are dissatisfied with the cleaning lady in the office? Well, five, ten well - no more. If dissatisfied more, it just fired. And how many in our country are dissatisfied with the President?
So remember the simple law: what you know better and more successful, the more you are unhappy. This is normal. So, if you want to please everyone - it's better not to leave the house. Or even to die. About the dead supposedly bad not say. And it is not true. Say. So leave this idea. It is hopeless. In life you are not going to please everyone.
Criticism: benefit or harm?
Criticism has two sides. On the one hand, it is painful and hurts your self-esteem. Therefore, it is unpleasant.
If you were criticized by one person, it's his opinion and nothing more. If you said five people - there is a chance that it is their collective delusion. But if it said ten people - it has to you direct relation, it seems that this is true.
Not yet been born a man who would love criticism. If he is not a masochist. Any normal, healthy person reacts to criticism painful. But not always it shows. This reaction to the criticism - it's okay! It is important that it does not prevent you to live and not bound hand and foot. That attitude to criticism is not turned your life into a constant soul-searching and rashvalivanie" emotional wounds.
On the other hand, criticism is necessary to adjust himself. If no one will say, how do you know that you are doing something wrong, unprofessional, or just plain ugly? That look ridiculous? What do badly? Because in their views all the time you are right. And criticism helps to adjust their personal philosophy of life with real life and real people.
So criticism can be attributed to things useful, but not very pleasant. It is a powerful tool that can change the person and your relationship with the person if you know how to use this tool.
We often think that we are criticized from a desire to hurt. Actually it is not. More precisely, in most cases it is not so. People criticize each other for a variety of reasons: because of jealousy, desire for revenge, resentment, the desire to assert themselves, out of a sense of competition, from a desire to encourage you to anything. Criticize us, including in the case, i.e. when you can't cope with its commitments.
Children, immature reaction to the criticism
extremely painful,
- resentment, desire for revenge,
care of myself,
- the answer is in the spirit of "the fool",
long chewing,
- endless self-flagellation.
Adult response to the criticism
- hear and take into account,
- remember that this is first and foremost your opinion, but it can be fair,
- treat her with attention, but without fanaticism,
- check whether this is so as you say,
- I am willing to openly discuss this topic,
"I am ready to admit, "Yes, I am".
What criticism does not work
Not to criticize each other in General. It concerns the work, and relationships. The relationship itself and lie in the fact that you periodically give to know your opinion, and it is not always flattering.
Is it possible criticism to improve the person/situation? It is quite possible, if you criticize properly. Basically, everyone criticizes the way.
There are two forms of criticism, which is often used, but both are not very effective, also have negative side effects.
One of such forms is hitting or simply rudeness.
- Well, you retard! How much can you miss?
"Stupid! But I say to you: shut the computer when you leave!
"Look at yourself in the mirror! Sorochinskaya fair! Tastefully really bad!
The source of such critics fear that it offended him avoid in communication revenge on him. Although, in fairness, it should be noted that some people understand only such treatment, and sometimes stronger. Especially if the person grew up in an environment where it is constantly banished, he has immunity to weak Pinkham, and he begins to hear only the strong: cry and Mat. In construction, for example, this is the normal language of communication. But not all work for the construction...
Another ineffective form of criticism is "delivered an apology for the inconvenience".
"I'm really sorry you could not close the door?
"I'm sorry, but in this text, in my opinion, too many mistakes...
"Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think we have to talk with her boyfriend...
Such criticism is not taken seriously, because it sorry. And words, for which I apologize, do not have weight.
Sooner or later a situation arises where you need to say unpleasant thing your friend (friend, colleague). You most likely don't like to criticize. Oh you may not think people will get upset, and so on, But there are situations when it is necessary. At work, for example, criticism of the leadership is a learning tool. And there's no escaping it.
How to criticize?
First, you should know that man always has the right to be offended. Some people just can't be offended, it is their good old habit and the only way of life. They offend all. In this case, you just have to allow such a person to be offended. So be it.
Secondly, remember: if you speak too softly, veiled, you may not hear. The essence of what you want to say, lost in your country.
If you speak too harshly - offended for sure, and there is a chance that you will destroy the relationship with the person.
In third. Whatever you were going to say, remember, criticize not to injure person (doing it), but from a desire to help, and along with myself. The intention with which you criticize, should be good. If nothing but anger you find yourself in this moment can't put your criticism at least five minutes, inhale a full breath and proceed.
Formula critics
1. Tell the person about the fact that you think is wrong. It is important to mention the fact.
Compare, for example, here it is:
- Nina, when you are late for half an hour every day...
"Your stupid delays...
In the first case, you say the fact, the second almost Natale.
2. Express your attitude to this fact: I think.../ I feel.../ I see that... / I take it as.../
For example:
- I perceive it as a lack of responsibility on your part.
I think you will soon have to find another job.
3. Tell the person the compliment regarding his abilities, traits, some skills, talents, emphasize its advantages.
For example:
- While the rest of you are very organized person.
- Although you can easily solve complex problems.
4. Ask a question about how all this can be overcome, fixed or changed. This question can be asked in different ways, depending on professional whether it is criticism or a personal conversation.
For example:
- What are we going to do with these delays?
"You can come on time?
Here is a brief formula of criticism: the fact that your attitude towards him, a compliment is the question.
Here are a few examples.
- Lena, when you wear this dress, I think you are lost in this color. You are bright things! They highlight your hair color. What do you think about that?
- When you turn away and remain silent, I think you offended me for something, or something to hide from me. I love when you and I frankly can all talk. We can often talk?
- Vladimir, when you cry, I think you are terribly angry, I am scared and nothing you hear. Can we somehow change this? It is important for me to hear what you say, and not only that, as you say.
Your relationship with your criticism
Please mark the boxes have a relationship with you.
When you do something, you most important to you praised.
- You need to know someone's opinion about you (your work). While you do not know will not calm down.
- If you hear unflattering words in your address, then long experience, I remember this episode again and again.
Criticism can bring down your mood for a few days, you fall into a depressive state.
- You pretend to not give a value other words, although actually they do hurt.
Critic in you produces attacks of painful introspection.
If others are pleased with you, and you are happy with.
- You only need enthusiasm, moderate feedback is not good.
You are painfully aware, when you compare with someone, the fact that the comparison is terrible for you, you see it as criticism.
After you criticized for something, you feel bad in all areas of your life, hopeless loser.
- You have long discouraged and no longer desire to do something in this direction, and indeed in all others.
- You know the excessive desire to prove how good you are (beautiful, intelligent).
If a large portion - about you - you need to pay special attention to this - you may, children reaction to criticism. So, it's time to grow up. And the adult is the one who recognizes his weaknesses, work on them and still accepts and loves himself. Despite their shortcomings.
Author:
The Sviâša Yu
Source:
Psychological center
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