The words "domestic violence" sound very serious, formidable - and most of the readers of this article with relief will think: "This is not about us, it's about some terrible people who beat and rape their wives and children about them and the word is good, no one will tell! ".Speaking of violence in the family, I would like to focus not on such obvious and recognized by all anti-social forms of family interaction as beating with serious bodily injury, and less noticeable, "simple" and even the usual, and sometimes welcome.
How not to beat?
How often on the street or in the store tall young mother drags her by the arm, almost pulling out of her shoulder, toddler 3-4 years or younger, and with her full height loudly pouring abuse... Her main argument: "He annoyed me, he does it to spite me! " Around their eyes away bashfully: on the one hand, it's hard to look at it, on the other - the feeling that we are not without sin. The duality of our relationship to psychological and physical violence against children in the family splashed on the pages and screens of the media in the emergence of the draft law on the protection of children. It was not a lone voice and a chorus: "If children do not break, crush, roughly forcing, then we are powerless before them, we fail, we don't know how to manage their behavior without violence".
Psychological or physical abuse of children is primarily the problem of powerlessness and irresponsibility of adults. Children are very sensitive to intonation with which the adult gives orders, this is inherent in the child's nature. If the adult internally feels adults and confident man that knows what he actually wants from the child and is responsible for the result, and it all sounds in his voice - a child of any age, even grumbling subject.
When an adult internally not sure and don't understand what to do for the child and what is in the child raised the alarm. It is expressed in tears, the cries, the resistance as a child, not fully understanding what is happening and what you really want is an adult perceives the events as senseless violence.
Look below
For example, the very young mother. Going about their business, she did not hesitate, took a child. Making the necessary works, crossed the boundaries of his physical abilities, as to adapt to a wide step to the parent in the crowd of people and the closeness of the shops a little child could very limited time (ideally between 30 minutes to 1 hour, considering and transport).
She in this case behaves like a child: not thinking about the consequences of their behavior, and when they come (the kid was tired and cranky), feels powerlessness and anger. The child tries to slow down, he exhausted his whims and tears - signal overload (children do not always show the overload weakness and slowness, and often, on the contrary, the excitement is so arranged their nervous system). And someone very big and strong mercilessly pulls and scary screams from above.
Put yourself in the place of the child. This is already a channel of survival: we must fight for life, the meaning of the words slipping, not up to it - you need to escape, to flee, to escape, to flee from my mother terribly, because you entirely depend on it, will suddenly throw?
That dwell in the soul of the baby after these episodes? Learn whether it is that we need to do what is commanded strong, not thinking about myself, or have to resist until the end of all and everything - maybe I'll fall behind, get scared? We don't know. Depends on how behaves a mother with her son, approve if the family of such a way of "educating" children. 't know. But we know that the child currently receives psychological trauma. In situations any pressure (teacher, boss, wife), he will feel lonely, vulnerable man, who can only rely on themselves or at the mercy of the strong: you suddenly change your mind, suddenly will love and will cease to offend.
Chain reaction
Dependence on senior, head (batter their mates, and then beating her husband, ill-use neighbors or co-workers) are often laid in such habits, family episodes.
Falling down at the Creek and to the attacks on the weak and vulnerable (our children), we justify its own weakness and lack of will: "Not able to hold back, can't stand when she (he) does not sit on the potty (1 year), spinning and not eating (3 years), dirty (5 years), do not sit down for lessons (8 years), does not come on time (13 years), chooses the wrong partner or friends (15 years)".
The child must conclude that the role of parents we are not on the shoulder, we can not cope and the only way out seeing that he was responsible, strong-willed, doing everything right for us.
Slowly, drop by drop, we lay in the children the idea of us as dangerous, not able to restrain themselves the weaklings and demand respect as parents.
Children rarely see us in society, they do not know that we are able to control myself and not beat his boss, policeman, people on the street if they do not behave as we would like it. Their experience with our family, and the family incontinence even advocated: "the Father was hot, just that - kicked, and nothing, I grew up (it is assumed that the only criterion of correct education to keep alive! ), your grandmother us with a rod of iron held, and a broom, and the belt just that, terribly afraid, but I finished school, the Institute has received, probably correctly (logic: if not trembled with fear anything in life is not achieved! )". Often the family is accustomed to solve their problems, relieving the child accumulated in other respects aggression through beatings, insults, shouting, grants the right to refer their child to others. For example, what do the words of the father, addressed to the teacher: "You with him stricter words he doesn't understand"? Permission to put pressure on the child to cry when she and the child know that the family has left him without protection.
Educating the victim
Inside any parent would like to grow a strong, successful, confident man. Can become this person without regret being hurt by those who should love and protect? And often also transferred responsibility: "I was never with anyone so did not behave, I'm not a person, it's you my terrible behavior brought me to the point that I don't remember." Parents often say, and the child hears: blame not the one who beats (the executioner), and the one beat (the victim). Would behave differently - and the executioner would have remained a good man!
This idea is supported by media and organizations related to children: children today is a horrible, cruel, they have no values, they cannot get along. Should be tightened, to watch, to push, otherwise fail. I don't take extreme forms: fire, plant, all in the army and chase. There is a feeling that the adult world has categorically does not want to be an adult and is offended that children don't want to play with him in the giveaway: "We are good children themselves - so, you're a good adult," and requires effort, will, understanding and awareness actions.
Seriously, the problem of cruelty and senseless parents towards their children (this is violence in the family) is primarily a problem of helplessness before responsibility for living, growing and favorite little man. In the country, held a very difficult path, where violence and cruelty was often the norm (war, terror, famine), to love children and be proud of them, to enjoy even their errors was too much of a luxury to grow.
Hard times overturn the correct model of interaction in the family: parents give birth to children and raise them to ensure that children were good in their own lives and they were able to raise their children. Then life develops and becomes richer. The inverted model: children should live so that parents are well and quietly. But no child in the world are not able to make calm and happy their adult parents. Their life is always in their hands.
Why are we doing this?
And in that moment, when we want to hit, yell at the child, because bad you, the parent should ask yourself: why do I do this, how will this affect what I'm raising?
And if it failed, could not resist - tell the child the truth about what you ashamed to be unrestrained, that you are not right when hitting and screaming, but it was still wrong and wrong.
The child will be able to respect you as a person, trying to hold back strong (can only apologize strong, confident, weak to the latest scare, to be feared - teach children to do this).
The main thing is that your baby will decrease the level of fear you and your aggression and will be able to understand his behavior.
In a family where a lot of aggression and tension between parents, grandparents, children sometimes do not stand up, pulling the aggression on yourself, do something to an adult fell, released simmering.
Children subconsciously and sometimes consciously afraid copadata in adult aggression and "go ahead". We all were kids and, if you recall, were not so terrible and unpredictable, although our parents was not always easy with us. These are our children. They just need us adults. And it would be great if we stopped torturing each other, and would put the power to restore life balance in a wonderful pair of "adult - child".
The carrot or the stick? Methods of upbringing
Discipline
Source:
The health of the schoolchild
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