Apparently, the wedding day.
The beautiful myth, but, alas, unrelated to the reality of relationships no relationships, pardon the pun.
And this myth plays with us a cruel joke - in case of any conflicts, crises in tandem, can easily occur seditious thought: "no, it's just not the man, he's just not my soul mate".
Those who will go to look any further, of course, will find together with new relationships and new challenges (sooner or later they happen all pairs). And we will be only to disperse again, hoping for the best result, and last for this carousel, probably, maybe forever.
Convinced of this, some of us begin to guess that it's not the partner (or not only a partner, but possibly in himself. And begin to look for answers to the eternal questions: "how to make relationships were happy times and preferably forever", "how do I behave in relationships, what do I do to make it smooth and sweet", "who should be contacted, and who is not." Those were good, understandable questions.
And answers - a lot. Books, articles, films, experienced friends - all offer their view on this issue, everyone knows "the one" right answer. Yes, I know.
Below I offer you a range of tips (you can choose any one of each pair) in case of a crisis in the relationship. Do not be confused by their inconsistency. It is because you never bothered, isn't it?
- "Start to sort things out" - "Stop arguing".
- "Tempt him (her)" - "do Not tempt him (her) - tempt others".
- "Poderites together" - "Weep together".
- "Take care of him (about it)" - "take Care of yourself".
- "Live separately" - "Walk together to the psychologist".
"Speak to each other directly about yourself, be open" - "Intriguing and manipulate".
- "Shut up next to each other" - "Talk to each other"
- "Be open and sincere" - "Be silent and mysterious".
- "Get him (her)" - "Understand yourself".
Continue can do.
All these recipes work. And they all do not work.
All these recipes are required. And all of them are completely pointless.
And neither guarantees a consistent result.
Intrigued? And all just in different moments of relationships with different people, in different situations - all these tips may work for you. And bring them all it would be one simple and obvious advice. "You do in a relationship "like that"? Do differently". Maybe it will help you, but maybe not.
Explain more.
I'll start with the reasons for the inevitability of crises.
It is well-known popular statement: "all happy couples equally happy and unhappy - unhappy in different ways". It is not true. Remember: where and when have you seen/read (I mean, cinema, literature), which describes/charged stable happy family? Nowhere. Even Tolstoy abandoned this idea. It is impossible to describe a happy family. They are usually denoted by the strokes. Type: episode - kissing couple, or a tasty cursing, near - successfully - naughty, but cute kids. The next episode: everything collapsed. Accident, or there cheating. Or was urgently called (and then it all collapsed). Then the whole movie all and all hard restore, and at the end we see (the final episode) happily embracing grateful and/or scared, or some other couple. And at this moment they are happy. Perhaps until the next call to any of them work. But not the essence.
It is impossible to describe static happy family (without crisis) because it does not exist in nature. In General. However, there is no: "with-side-looking-happy-couple".
I would describe it like that.
In this family no one should be changed. A single gram, one iota. Both should be stable life in the same place (perhaps smoothly, without jerks, getting a raise), and (ideally), - if they will not have children (a baby is also changing). And the less they will be in contact with others, the more stable. Their typical day is drawn like this: kids (if happened) and their parents get up at seven in the morning. Going to work (school garden), diverge. Work hard (preferably physically to fatigue was the end of the day pleasant). In the evening I cook dinner /eat /praise-kick, who accepted, then sleep, and the next day the story repeats. And so every day. For a weekend together to do the cleaning, together to the cottage. Husband drank, paluani. In short, all the script. On vacation together to make repairs. Communication between spouses is reduced to economic issues. The money is small, but there they are collected sequentially on an apartment, a car and a dacha. Children grow there is "suspended", the correct. Growing up, or a quick escape from the family, or live long together with parents. Normal is - you can say - Soviet happiness. I don't want to say that this is somehow bad. No. For those for whom stability and relative comfort is the only thing that you want from life, " is it yourself and happiness.
But personally I am not attracted to this static "happiness in a relationship" - I love change and I love when people change around me. I don't want to interfere with and, I hope, do not prevent to change your child in the process of growth and maturation. I miss and angry in the "immutability" (although, of course, and strive for it too). And when a critical mass of change is accumulated every time a crisis occurs, as a natural consequence of the changes. And it becomes necessary to re-adapt to each other. Find a new solution in each new case. To investigate the situation and find a NEW exit. To abandon all that worked BEFORE, just old. Of course, it is much easier to try, to hope, to dream, to turn back the changes (not his, of course, their partner or their environment). But it was useless. This ultimately leads to the final rupture.
Output.
If you change your happiness, too, is changing. It cannot be achieved once and for all. Everything is and always will be confronted with the crisis of the couple relationship in the accumulation of a certain critical level changes: in yourself, in your partner, in the world. This is not a problem - it is the norm. Yes, sometimes we want to stop the moment, which is fine. But, alas. It passes, and the taste remains, and most of all many people want to bring back the old taste.
No one tends to change after other people's changes. If the complaint sounds like: "I love him (her), but he or she never sees me, does not hear, does not pay attention, not respect, not the values... we swear and everything bad... but I love and don't want to leave", I already know that the answer to my question: "what is this now in your relationship (where in fact it's so bad) that supports this love? "I'll get simple and embarrassed reply: memories. "I remember how beautiful it was and I want it to return".
It cannot be returned. Neither now nor then. You can only take what the old has gone, to examine changes in their partner and the world in which you now live directly, and then try to create something new is to find a new taste. It is from this need to create something new, and birth weight recommendations on how to save is to restore the relationship. And these recommendations were made to expand the selection. Try something else in the relationship. And all of a sudden?
Total. It all depends on your ability to creatively adapt to the new situation. In most cases, each of the current situation we give the old "reply". This is normal: it saves power, energy. But we are trying to give the old answer and then, when conditions are so changed that this answer is not suitable. He only destroys what is. And it likely means that people have forgotten, forgotten how to creatively adapt. He doesn't know what he feels and what he wants, he clings to the old, and this leaves him hope...
Overcome you each successive crisis, depends on your abilities:
a) to see the changes;
b) be aware of their attitude to these changes;
C) be aware of their feelings and desires in relation to the changed partner;
g) to accept the new;
d) be able to break habitual ways of dealing with a specific person;
e) to find new solutions and methods.
And any tips are those options from which you can choose. But they can create, find something: to get another light, a happy moment in your relationship with a loved one.
"And all? Then everything will be smooth? "you may ask.
Of course, no. Each time they have to start again.
But these moments, and these crises, and the search for new variants of co-existence for the sake of new happy moments - this is the promised recipe for happiness in a pair.
Source:
Lady.ru
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