The reverse option is you are asking about something that will require time and money: "You could not come on Saturday morning in school, it is necessary to wash the Windows? " In fact, on Saturdays you whole family go to the pool and then walk and have lunch in a cafe. But somehow meekly say, "Sure", and then I blame myself for softness, for not being able to insist on his envy more confident friends.
So what's the problem? What this hypnosis we are taking excessive obligations, why not be able to ask a favor or indulgence, and even about what are right? And feel as guilty in the first form.
Who says there?
Among the many psychological concepts patterns of individuals consider now one, the name of Eric Berne. I'm talking about the idea that each of us lives a Parent, Adult and Child.
Parent it is a critique and evaluation, social gathering and teaching, touching stroking on the back and cuffs. It's that inner voice that says, "What was seated with a book, when all the dirty dishes, look! " Or this: "Clever! Since may, when I will try! "and even: "I'm proud of you".
The parent always knows better. He has authority, and he has the right to judge. As well as the universal ruler for separating chaos from harmony. When you are in metro Marmite nose too painted teenager is too it. If you include any transfer about fashion, you will find there's a whole Committee of strict and uncompromising Parents who reported a loss heroine: "Well, darling, what are you doing? At your age... No, it is absolutely impossible, you disfigure yourself. We need so and so". And then, when the hands of the experts will thoroughly work on transformation of the poor - well, you and praise: "now I love you, now I praise you, finally you, the messy, the Music hit".
Please note, even tone of voice when he says the Parent, there is leniency. "S-nishidani". From top to bottom. Like someone much higher than you in size standing over you, his hands on his hips, and stand - out from above his thundering judgment. Remember this position and move on.
Adult. "Let's talk like adults" is pronounced when the discussion stalled and now will inevitably be a fight. And then we have to appeal to the mind, that is, to the adult part of our psyche. Our inner Adult is a computer, which calculates, builds logical schemas, plans, analyzes. Alien to him as the emotions of the Child, and moral evaluation of the Parent. He just sees the situation, processes the information and gives the answer on the form: "If you go to wash the Windows, you will not get in the pool. You can refuse to wash Windows, you can not go in the pool. The end of the link".
Adult very active participants production meetings, when they develop a strategic marketing plan (or any other) campaign. And secondary school pupils in all lessons where you need to read and remember the material. But not on the drawing - singing - theater Studio. Creativity is not about him.
Child.
That's who the true Creator. All our dreams, ideas, imagination produces it, our playful and restless Child.
The whole fountain of emotions, personal relationships, and whims, tears and laughter, games and stupidity is a child within us sports. Or grieve.
But the Child is still and absolutely irresponsible creature, and sometimes quite cruel. He is not familiar with the concept of "conscience" dreadful selfish, liar and manipulator. All for the same reason, which puts it at a very remote distance from the Parent: we have no evaluation criteria (morality, for example), neither rational and logical tools as an Adult. Some emotions.
"Can I have candy? "
First learn how to ask. Imagine a standard, almost daily situation: the mother comes into the room of his child, teenager, discovers in her monstrous size of the defeat and asks him/her to restore order. That is, it seems that asks. Because it looks like this:
- Lord, what a mess you threw up?! Please immediately uberis.
Child:
- Mom, well, further, why are you always shouting, well, I cleaned... Then.
Mom gets angry. She thinks that if she said the magic word "please", its order can be considered as a polite request. The child, meanwhile, has no doubt that he received the order, and applies to the order: if the mother is quick in punishment, then hurry up, and if you can wait until you follow three hundred and thirty-third Chinese warning, and will lazily papasam. Mum offended quite frankly, because it taught that requests the senior cannot be neglected. She sees in the actions (or inaction) Chad disrespect to themselves and their desires.
Actually the problem is only in the wrong position. To ask it correctly. And certainly not in this situation is that it requires the use of parental authority.
Asks for who? The child from the parent, because he cannot get that high. Hence the first rule: please always pronounced "bottom-up". And immediately - second rule: please pronounced in the early to avoid long introductions under the guise of "Abram, kiss me in the shoulder".
The first presentation is from Child to Parent: "I want to ask you about the service: you would not be able to switch weekends with me, so I went out this Saturday, and you in the following? "
The next phase - emotional justification for your request: "the fact that I have to go to the airport to meet mom. We long time no see, I miss her very much".
To speak of "child" position in this context means that you do back soft, stretch your shoulders, look in the eyes and relax the facial muscles. Remember any cartoon cub. You must translate the sincerity and friendliness.
It would be relevant to add that you understand what sacrifice will bring another. The importance of good deeds is always better to overestimate than to underestimate. Not "I want to ask you for a small favor," and "I ask you to do me a huge favour". Because even in this trivial case, as described above, one will have to change their plans to rebuild on the fly, it is possible to use additional resources.
Further it is necessary to logically justify your request. As you can guess, logical arguments go from Adult and addressed to another Adult, to him who is able to analyze the situation. Pose an Adult is different from the posture of a Child is more rigid back and a more collected look. You report the information, nothing more, in any case do not put pressure on the psyche and manipulate.
In conclusion, you should give your companion indulgence, to assure that its failure will not affect your relationship, to allow people to freely dispose of themselves and their time. This is the most subtle and least known part of communications. Usually miss her - and then it turns out manipulation. Do not forget to leave the door open!
Indulgence is an emotional act of interaction, so give it to the "child" position and seek inner Child interlocutor: "I guess that you this can be inconvenient, so I'll understand and not be offended if you will not be able to help me".
If you receive a denial, you can repeat the second, third and fourth phase of the negotiations, though indefinitely (as long as you will not be asked to leave the premises). We just need to come up with new arguments, to emphasize the emotional importance of the desired event from different angles and do not forget to leave a way out.
If you do everything correctly, your partner will be forced to accept and even to come up with a way that will provide the best results.
On one training for the title of "the Best of the petitioner" received the girl Masha, having just invincible ability to ask and be refused. One of his sparring partner even brought to tears: there was a task to persuade her to go with her to the restaurant, and she had to refuse. We then asked whom she works. "Found-riser," said Masha, I mean "vybihal funds for the project".
And now we will learn how to resist this lovely Masha, although at first glance it seems that it is almost impossible.
"What part of no do you not understand? "
Similarly, request, waiver is also pronounced at the beginning: "I can't fulfill your request", "No, we won't go to the zoo today", "No, I don't want to go to your mom for the weekend".
Please note, not "I'm sorry, but no" and clearly: "no." And then everything else. If you start with the emotional reaction (which is the phrase "I'm sorry"), you enter the interlocutor in error, immediately knock him off balance. And we don't need it?
To announce his decision must from the "parent" position, turning to an Adult: back and, most importantly, neck maximally stiff and straight as if you laid the steel line from head to toe. Don't overdo the severity, you do not announce the verdict, although something crucial in this, of course. Just "top-down" will be enough.
And just behind the "falls" in childhood: "really, I'm sorry. I understand how it is important for you what you ask for. In your place I probably would be very worried (angry, nervous)". So you emotional support, helping people to experience frustration.
Further explain your decision from a logical point of view: "the situation is that...", "I must be this day in another place, "I promised my mother that will do General cleaning", etc. etc.
Stay in the "adult" position or alternate it with "child", but be firm. If necessary, repeat from time to time "no" from the "parent" role. With some practice you will find that both the request and the denial already not hurt you as much as before. This will mean that you have learned to recognize the different characters and use their time and place. Success!
Author:
Demina K.
Source:
Our Psychology
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