Who is to blame
"Well! With mom all as always! Again, it messes with your advice!! Here and ran into!!! ..."
Although, to be honest, I again exploded. Why did you yell at your mother?! What came over me? It will be necessary in the morning to apologize. It's not my fault that a physics teacher called me just at the moment when I exhausted a headache, well, didn't think of it. And this weakness for no reason at all? And some anxiety, as if something goes slipping away. Yes, this nasty Earring all the time staring at Alku! What he found?! But, still..." (from the diary of 7-and klassniy).
Many parents are faced with the fact that in 10 to 12 years, the child's behavior changes: he becomes aggressive or, on the contrary, apathetic. His mood, as the spring breeze - don't know where the next second will blow and that will bring. And most importantly, the child is ready to be irritated for any reason. As we usually react to it? More restrained parents try not to notice, and bad - influence. Often cry, suggestion and long educational tirade. Each claims that it is "of such problems was not. What is actually happening with our children?
How not detract from the supporters of social theory is a physiological factor, nature sometimes takes its. It is 10 -13 years in girls and 12 to 15 years in boys undergoing puberty. There have been major changes in the endocrine system, increase height, weight, volumes a child, there are secondary sex characteristics. Rebuilding motor vehicle (hands, feet and other "motor" system) often leads to the disruption of harmony in the movements. They become clumsy, awkward. The surge in growth is the cause of the increased load on the heart that can result in palpitations, increased blood pressure, dizziness, fatigue. The lost balance between the nervous and endocrine systems, which is undergoing major changes at puberty affect the internal state of the child's mood. Very often this is manifested in irritability, agitation or apathy and dullness. Imagine what it feels teenager when he dumped all these endocrine and other delights?! Its not to abuse it, and to explain what is happening. We are adults.
The conflict between fathers and children
"MA, today we have a disco, so I'll be late, " he made me face the fact my grown son.
-To nine was at home, " replied automatically, I continued to talk on the phone.
"MA, she's only eight starts, didn't give up son.
"What have you got for discos? - I protested. - No sooner do?! You when English will again?! And in his "den" for the second week promise to restore order...My righteous anger was muted or "Rustia". I realized that the audience was over.
-Wear a hat, I told you - it's freezing! "I cried after his son, breaking on the go insulated blazer. -Well, nothing, will return you home!".
Although the tumultuous inner life of hormones and other factors, in addition to their will, affect the behavior of a teenager, to talk about the total dependence of the organism from endocrine reorganization. The social environment to which they belong and we, the parents, also has a certain value. In this "crisis" period of adolescent reconsider the own "I" that does not fit in the narrow "baby" frame. The child feels maturity and claim to equal treatment. But we, let us be honest, not always can change their attitude to the son-daughter, especially if you are used to patronize. Sometimes we are motivated by fear of losing the baby, and instead of "release", we still tend to "bind" it to yourself. Therefore, conflicts usually arise because of different views on the rights of the child and the degree of its independence from the teenager and adult.
Psychologist Irina Milutin about the problem:
I believe this problem. This is the life. Just kids choose some out of the situation. Refusal to cooperate with adults, loss of interest in school, leaving home (and drug use is also a kind of leaving home) - this is their response, a protest against the imposed rules of the game. When children misbehave, they just want them to notice. Indeed, in 12 to 14 years, our children are as tall as their parents. They claim to equality in the relationship, and the parents are not able to unsubscribe from the stereotypical perception of the child, which has been formed since birth. And to avoid conflict parent - child" adults need to understand the child and help him to cope with emerging in his life difficulties.
If a teenager feels the love and care of parents, respect for him, he feels important, loved, and therefore his self-esteem becomes adequate. He feels comfortable in the family. However, he will have no problems of adolescence. But if the problem of "transitional age" still there, then something is wrong with us. Never too late to start with yourself. All you need to do in the process of raising children is to start with yourself.
Study wolf
"Again seven points brought! Tell me, when are you going to fix estimates from the literature?! What's so interesting?! I was your age, and physics, and chemistry, and astrology was taught - and it was interesting. Well, astronomy, what a difference! So, bring literature textbook - we will work together to teach. How is it that you do not understand what "literary way"?! Read what is written. Repeat. Another repeat. Understood? At least remember. Went into the kitchen: while I wash the dishes, will be "the Song of the Nibelungs" to read. And then algebra pareshaan and physics will do...
Well, thank God, today lessons were done. Check the diary. Lord! The schedule is not written, where tomorrow honored dozens to put?! Have schedule to write" (monologue mom).
Anyway, as for the main parent that the child wore from school good grades. The one who will say that it is not, or is not the parent, or the parent, not the student, or krivit soul. It is important for all of us, how our children learn, because their future depends on it and our quiet old age. We understand that studying in school, high school, College, Academy is not only the most cloudless years, but also the Foundation, the basis for the development of further skills, and hence a certain guarantee of victory in the struggle for a place under the sun". But does this teenager? No. High motivation, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) do not burden the minds of our children. For them yet valuable process, and if there is no interest, no stories about the profession and unsettled life in the future teenager will not inspire. Therefore, the only incentive is sometimes still the awareness and interest of the parent process, not the result.
In addition, it should be remembered that increased mental and physical activity in adolescence (and, as a rule, during this period we begin to present to the child increased requirements), prolonged tension, negative emotions are often the cause of endocrine disorders and functional disorders of the nervous system. One of the manifestations of these disorders is irritability, fatigue, confusion, loss of sleep. So in many cases, children should not be educated, and to treat. It is a vicious circle: the physiological processes that affect the capabilities of the child, and we are his "hysterical" about falling ratings even more exacerbated the situation, causing disorder.
Psychologist Irina Milutin about the problem:
- Reducing espcailly may be associated with intrapersonal conflict. Possible, so the baby is taking revenge on parents for misunderstanding and suppression, or unfavorable atmosphere in the school, there is a misunderstanding with a teacher. In any case, the task of parents is to find out what lies behind the sudden failure (because we are not talking about the running process of training when your child from year to year does not cope with the program). A child with normal self-esteem (and it is the family and depends on its relationship to adolescent parents) will always share their problems. And our task is to respond to it. There is such a thing as parental reactions to children's behavior". Now, if we are in that moment, when the child says something, ammonemia from him: "I see - I was on the phone talking! 'they then subconsciously feeling of "I'm not interested in parents". And after two or three times of such ignorance of the child's problems, he will not go to their parents with their problems. Therefore, even if you are really busy, try to move the conversation: "I'm busy now, let's talk in 10 minutes" - this will allow you to keep understanding and trust a teenager to you.
But there is another side of the coin - Hyper, when parents want to do everything and solve for the child. If we decide for children is those questions that they can solve on their own, thus we project their behavior into adulthood. The decrease in performance is the problem of the child, not the parents. And our task is to help him to solve the problem, but in any case not to do it for them. So we anything the child does not teach, Yes, and will lower his self-esteem. You can offer your teenager a few solutions, but to choose some of them he has. Thus, you will teach your child to take responsibility. Because often their attitude, demanding we do not raise the "bar" of the child's capabilities, and sanguem her.
Experience - errors
It is also important to understand that never in our experience children will not take for themselves in their purest form. They want to experiment. And the task of parents to allow children to make their own mistakes. To prevent mistakes (to punish for mistakes) is one of the ways to suppress child.
Since the birth of the little person we are talking to him on the day 432 negative (don't touch, can't run, etc.,) and 32 positive (how smart you are, how well you play...). But the toddler need not even praise and support: that is, to endorse should not result made by the child at some stage, and the process itself. Not "You've done well received "12" geometry" and "how are you well versed in geometry; soon will be able to help me with the architectural calculations". In this case, you set the child on the learning process itself, its future, and not on short-term results. Focus on the result, we often thump of hands eager to learn.
In addition, it is necessary to consider the child's capabilities and desires, and not to force him to perform not fulfilled our dreams. You have to be in the moment and realize that at this moment it is necessary to your child. A very common mistake today, excessive workload of children. And in adolescence overload can cause not only increased irritability and nervousness, but to provoke the disease. But the child must also learning to do still some duties at home. Because many geeks don't know how to take care of her things, clean the apartment, do basic errands mother or father. And then we wonder why children go away from home (falls into bad company, starts to smoke, drink, use drugs).
Psychologist Irina Milutin about the problem:
- If the child is depressed, feels the family is not very comfortable, it will not be able to defend themselves outside the home. Moreover, it is outside the house, it will seek this comfort, to achieve its significance. But if we accompany the child excessively, he also has no internal feeling that he will be able to stand up for themselves.
In addition, very often the cause of conflict between children and fathers lie in the fact that we lie to our children. We tell them "do Not fret," and they talk in loud tones (that is, displayed his irritation). We pretend that there is no sex, and themselves...In this case, the child realizes that he is lying. Therefore, to teach the kid and ask him about something we need their example. If we want our children to respect us, we must respect them.
If the child feels the love of a parent, understands that he needs in the family, he will not assert themselves outside the home. It will have no meaning. As experimenters, the children try some action, but then they make a decision - is there a place in their life or not. And in many respects their decision due to the self-esteem, which in turn depends on the suppression or respect of the child in the family.
Let's try to summarize:
1. If you are troubled relationship with his child is already halfway to success.
2. We must always begin with yourself, your relationship to the child. There are no one-sided conflict, think about what you're doing wrong.
3. If you decide to see a specialist, do not pull on the lasso to the psychologist your "good-for-nothing daughter" or "the prodigal son", first go themselves.
For those parents who want to reach an understanding with their children, Irina Milutin offers democratic methods of child rearing:
- allow children to decide for themselves;
- encouraging;
- help them to correct errors
- show respect to them
- ask them to help you;
show kindness and firmness at the same time;
- set clear boundaries (distinguish their problems and the problems of the child, not adamsite their interests);
- allow children to take the initiative;
- help your child to make the opening, how much they can do.
Source:
Mamashka
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