People don't come to psychologists, when they feel good. They come when they feel bad. They come with problems. And any problem is unsatisfied desire. It is a conflict between what you have and what you want.
They come in the hope that I will help them to resolve this conflict, that is, to realize their desires. And when we parse together life situation, people very often makes a shocking discovery. What he wants... he does not himself want. He thinks he wants. These are two different things.
We must get married
In front of me - a charming girl of twenty-five years. And it already has its own tragedy. Six years her smoldering romance, boyfriend but he does not make her a proposal. And she, of course, wants to get married.
Begin to understand. It turns out that actually, she was satisfied. Living and enjoying life. Ask her whether she wants a family life and everything connected with it: life together, children may... No, it turns out that she does not want from marriage. Find out why she had married. While married she needs to not feel inferior. Not to be a black sheep among my friends. To get rid of guilt before my mother and many relatives who are seriously concerned about her fate. And her boyfriend is not so serious sense. Just how much time has passed we need to solve, or to the Registrar, or to leave. And if you leave - again all over again: the look of the gentleman, meet, meet, etc.
She needs to put a tick in his biography: I was married. So, I'm normal. Refrain from me. Let then I will divorce even (and she is ready!!! ), but have it so that everything is in order.
I encouraged her to dream: what if she will not marry, but no one is going to care? And no one, no girlfriends, grandmothers and aunts will not bother her stupid questions?
Her face suddenly brightened. She felt evident relief. Then, within the next half hour as she struggles with herself. It was extremely difficult to admit the truth: she doesn't want to marry. She had married. She doesn't want children. She SHOULD have children. More precisely, not her, but the whole clan of her relatives. But to admit that she doesn't want her scared: what they all say? And how will she explain all this strangeness?
Before leaving, she asked me sick is she? After all, a normal, healthy women want to marry and have children...
It is necessary to have a "normal" job
Turning to her friend at work, I heard that she quit. Taken aback, I hung up the phone. In this financial company she worked for almost a year. Was press releases, wrote the lyrics for advertising. Earning a good salary (not to compare with the money that she had when doing independent research for various publications). She waited for the post of head of Department on public relations. And like all was well in this new job. Why should she quit?
I dialed her cell phone. She's cheerful voice asked me to meet, to sit somewhere in a cafe on Clean Ponds. Ran fresh and radiant. Reported that she is now a journalist, a freelance artist. Yes, she knows that I think about it, because all surrounding, friends, colleagues at work thought all the same and expressed her thoughts. But she don't care and in the coffin she had seen all our opinions and comments, as well as a good salary working day from nine to six and corporate communication style.
I silently watched her and listened to her. I have not seen her so happy.
All around know what I want
Society dictates to us what we should want to be "normal" people. TV tells us what we should want to be modern. Parents dictate to us what we should want to avoid being upset. The environment dictates what we should want to not be lonely. The authorities dictate to us what we should want us not to be ashamed for aimlessly lived years. All around you know what you need for happiness.
Social stereotypes stronger stronger affect us. They shape our way of life and our needs. And harder to see yourself in life, where everything is already calculated, predicted and advertised.
We have two kinds of desires. It's true desires, which are connected with our essence, we can say, soul. And desire "from the mind". About such desires we say that it should. This made to want, it is normal to want. We think, sometimes, quite sincerely, that we want it. And actually, we just someone instilled this desire. About this desire sometimes say "want to want".
It is very difficult to distinguish. For two reasons. First, you probably very rarely actually wonder about this:
my whether this desire? Sounds silly question, will agree. Secondly, you sincerely believe that that others want, it will be good for you.
They say that there are "dangerous desires". This is not entirely true. Would be more accurate to say that there is a desire, which, filled, you will not add joy.
I was up
Lately, I often encounter women with a set of qualities, which I call "right".
The "correct" live his own life and the life that someone came up with for it. Mom, dad or husband. She lives right in their understanding of life - she first arrives and learns in the right educational institution, working on the right work, dressed in the right clothes, chose the right life partner. And from time to time doesn't notice and is not aware that this sometimes quite prosperous life - alien. It is the life of some contrived woman on her real, not like. She even knows how she wanted to live her life, because she never had the opportunity, she even thinking about it cannot. Such a "correct" life suits her to a certain age, and it seems there is no discontent. But quietly accumulates tension. And any tension is compressed spring. And the more it accumulates, the more the spring is compressed. And one day. everything goes on the rampage. Spring shoots. Ceases to cater for all: work, family, lifestyle.
Of course, this is an extreme case.
In the best case, when such "right" desires are realized, then for some reason you do not become happier. Positive emotions certainly can be, but they are fleeting. Get it, you suddenly feel the emptiness or even disappointment. And wonder: why am I not happy?
How to distinguish their true desire from suggested?
This is a difficult question. Moreover, it is not necessary to abandon those desires that come more from the mind than from the heart. Just don't fill them all my life and think that if you implement, you will feel on the seventh heaven. Suggested goals pernicious, when among you, your personality no place.
So, your goal is likely to be revealed if:
- It is not burning you emotionally, even when you present it, is gratefully acknowledged. It happens with false desires.
- You talk about it with the words: "me", "I should", or "I must" - in this case it's just a duty, not your own desire.
- If your goal will not be achieved, or you refuse it, someone is going to suffer greatly or condemn you (mom, dad, friends or society in General). And you're afraid of it. Then it is their desire, but it is not for you.
- Someone always convinces you that you need it. This kind of programming, in which there is your voluntary choice.
- When thinking that you don't need to accomplish this goal, you, oddly enough, feel the relief type "well".
But the main instilled the idea that you actually have to want something. Because if you don't want, you don't have goals, and you are not in a hurry to win the next vertex is an alarming symptom. You say that you have, most likely, depression or any other psychological crisis. Normal, healthy person always has some purpose. Well, at least some!
Don't ask from others. Ask yourself first.
And remember: you have the right to desire, which can be "weird" in the eyes of other people. At least from time to time listen to yourself: what you want regardless of the world? You have a crazy desire? For example, go for a one week somewhere in a distant country? Or, thinking about the new car, you suddenly wanted to change conservative style? Or Vice versa, you want reliability and pulled on the expensive official costume? Do it.
Let your life will not only correct, predictable things.
You have the right not to want what others want. You have the right, in the end, nothing to want. And don't make excuses for it.
Author:
The Sviâša Yu
Source:
Леди@mail.ru
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