First of all note principal embarrassing moment. Parents believe that a caring family should not be a conflict, and therefore, if there is an unfavorable sign. Hence a strong desire to quickly suppress the revolt by violent means, so it was all covered over. In reality everything is different.
What is the conflict?
Conflict between parents and children is not only inevitable in families, but it is okay. The inherent characteristic of any relationship. I would say more, the conflict is a moment of truth in the relationship - this is a test (test) the health of these relationships, it is a crisis that can weaken or strengthen them, this is a critical event that may cause long-term resentment, latent hostility, psychological scars". Conflicts can alienate people from each other or to draw them into closer and more intimate Union; they contain the seeds of destruction and seed of a great Union: they can lead to armed struggle or to a deeper mutual understanding.
Only a few parents accept the fact that conflicts are part of life and not always necessarily a bad part. Most parents consider the conflict as something to be avoided at any cost, whether it is a conflict between them or between parents and children. Most parents can't stand to be in conflict, they are deeply worried when it happens and have confused ideas about how it should work constructively to resolve. Conflict-free relations between people rather rare. The conflict arises, though, because people are different, think differently, have different needs and want something that badly consistent with each other.
Again, the conflict is a reality in any relationship. By the way, the relationship without outwardly apparent conflict may be less healthy than those in which conflict often occurs. (Example: in a conjugal relationship where the wife is always subordinate to a dominant man: the parent-child where the child is so afraid of its parent that dares to contradict him in anything).
Conflict in the family, where it is expressed openly and accepted as a natural phenomenon, much healthier for a child than that I think most parents. In such families, the child has at least the opportunity to experience conflict, to learn how to deal with him, to be better prepared for future meetings with conflicts in life. Constructive conflict resolution in the family may be more beneficial for the child, as is the preparation for the meeting with conflicts at home.
The most critical factor in the relationship between parents and children is how conflicts are resolved. Unfortunately, most parents try to resolve them using only two basic approaches - applying power and surrendering to the will of the child, both of these methods are ineffective and harmful for a child, and for the relationship itself.
Strictness or leniency
A very common approach of parents to the education of children is in terms of winning and losing. In other words, the position of the parent is that, if he is strict and does it, he wins, and if soft and yields to the child loses. For parents the problem of discipline is faced with education in severity or condescending attitude. Because in its approach to the subject they are bound with the alternative either-or, they consider their relationship with children as a struggle for power, the dispute of the two wills.
When between parents and children there is a conflict, the majority of parents try to resolve it in your favor, so that the parent wins, and the child loses. Other, somewhat less than the "winners", constantly inferior to their children out of fear of conflict or frustrirovannoi (underscore positive) needs of their child. In these families, the child is usually wins, and the parents lose.
The severity and suppression of parental authority we have already considered in detail in the article "Parents and children. Who is more important? ". Now examine the situation when the child dictates the rules compliant parents.
The power of the child
Children are very subtle feeling, where my parents weaknesses and skilfully use them to their advantage. In conflicts, the children are able to insist on them profitable, if you know the parent's will can be broken. For example, threatening that will ruin the relationship with the mother, the child is forcing her to concede. And if in the situation when the parent has used his power, seeking obedience, he was inattentive to the wishes of the child and the relationship it can be called disrespectful, then the child demonstrates a similar relationship to adult. Now in the struggle for power overcomes the child, but in return he gets startled and experiencing irritation parent.
The inefficiency of condescension
What does it mean for children to grow up in a home where they usually win, and parents lose? These children differ from those who were brought up in the conditions when the power is entirely in the hands of adults. Children who are allowed to insist to the end, will not be so rebellious, hostile, independent, aggressive, submissive, conformal, retreating, and so on, They do not need to develop traits to cope with parental authority. These children learn how different, how to make a flash of irritation in order to control parents. How to make parents feel guilty; as to say nasty wax, nasty parents. Such children often uncontrolled, uncontrollable, impulsive. They learned that their needs are more important than someone else's. They also often lack the internal control behavior, they become self-centered, jealous, demanding.
These children often do not respect the property and feelings of parents. "I" is above all. They rarely cooperate or help in the house.
Such children often serious difficulties in relationships with peers; there are difficulties in school, dominated by the method of submission to the will of the senior teachers.
Perhaps the most serious effect of permanent concessions parents that the children develop a deep sense of insecurity that parents love them. This reaction is easy to understand if you imagine how difficult it is for parents to love and accept a child who usually wins at the expense of parents.
In homes where the use of parental authority, the resentment comes from a child to his parents; in homes where the power is in the hands of a child from parent to child. The child feels that his parents are often frustrated, angered them. When the child subsequently receives the same messages from peers or other adults, it is not surprising that he begins to feel that his dislike is because it is often really do not like others.
The combination of authoritarianism permissiveness
In some families parents share a role, such as strict dad and forgiving mother. Or with a small child treated indulgently, and as they grow move to sharp restrictions. Be prepared that children in this situation have the chance to meet with serious emotional problems. It may be that the inconsistency will be more harmful than each of the extreme approaches separately.
Author:
A. Juric
Source:
mama.uz
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