Have you ever, staring at the quarreling couple, said: "as little children"? You don't even know how then were right.American psychologists Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, the founders of the Institute couples in California and family therapist with 30 years of experience, claim that each pair in its development goes through several different stages. It's amazing how it seems that it takes the child in his relationship with his mother.
If in two months, at the stage of symbiosis* the child is not separate itself from the mother, five he already knows the mother, smiling at her and it distinguishes it from strangers. At the same time, the child begins to explore his body touches the fingers, hands, feet. Knowledge of their physical boundaries becomes his first experience differentiation. Now the child is interested in not only the mother, but prefers to be near her. At the next stage - the stage of learning - the energy is directed to the outside world. The child is pleased to reveal the ability to do something without my mother, pleased when manage to escape from under the mother's care. At this stage, for him the most valuable autonomy.
Once children have become familiar with emerging independence, the phase relationship. Again he craves emotional contact with his mother, but only when he wants to. For the mother it is very difficult stage, because it is not always clear when to Postnet child, and when to encourage him to be independent. But if this stage has been successfully completed, the child remains a sense of individuality, and the ability to form an emotional connection.
In love everything is exactly the same
On the path from love to a deeper intimacy relationships are similar stage of development. Each poses a couple of new challenges and requires new skills. Problems in the transition to the next level is inevitable, but their number depends on how successfully passed the previous stage.
Understanding that the evolution of the couple relationship is a natural process, plus knowledge of the laws by which it happens can save you a lot of nerves.
Symbiosis
On stage, crazy love partners get to know each other, want to spend as much time as possible together. They like to find common interests, things that you can do together. They focus on their similarities and ignore the differences.
This period of passion and taimoorazy, the lovers look after each other and don't want each other to change the situation is almost perfect, and they don't want to risk it, pushing any requirements.
This is a very important stage - it lays the Foundation for all future relationships: strong emotional connection and awareness of himself as a pair.
Symbiosis lasts an average of six months to two years (although those who have already been in a relationship, it can happen faster).
Differentiation
Partner removed from the pedestal and subjected to close scrutiny. And it turns out, not so much they have in common. Find things that one does not make - and how to reach you before not to notice? Now the partners do not want to spend so much time together, each thinking about increasing their own space. It's a natural phase relations, and many feel guilty keeping away from a loved one. Ask yourself, what's wrong with that and what happened to what was.
It really went. It is the confidence that they took place as a couple, gives partners the courage to begin to restore its borders. Can we accept that we are different? Will our relationship aspirations of two different personalities?
During the symbiosis of both partners wanted about the same and understood each other perfectly, but because of the questions wasn't there. At the next stage, there are many questions: "What do I want? How to make it clear to your partner what it is I'm missing? How to find out what she wants in a partner? What if we want different things? "
Conflict of interest there, and he is not hiding. But thanks to the experience of a successful symbiosis able to establish relationships, not to break them. Two stops to "read each other's thoughts and learn to solve problems, not manipulating each other.
Training
If at the stage of differentiation of the energy was still focused on the relationship, it is in the stage of training partners transfer it to pursue their own goals. They stop focusing on the relationship with each other and trying to prove themselves in the world. Each comes in their own way, paying no attention to the desires of its half. Emotional contact is almost there.
How partners will go through this stage, depends on their success in the previous. If training was not preceded by a successful symbiosis and differentiation, each partner perceives as a person who tries to suppress his independence, and as a potential hindrance to individual achievements. If the previous steps were successful, the partners feel the tenderness and affection to each other, and they have a set of techniques for conflict-free solutions. Then everyone can respect the fact that the partner wants to be an independent person and support him in this.
It is very important childhood experience. If a person has received support from the parents in this stage of adulthood, it is easier to demonstrate their own unique qualities, without conflict. If not, then it may be too aggressive and will defend their own independence.
It is important to remember that education is a normal stage of development, and friction is not a sign that people are not destined to be together. At this time, the relationship is only a means of mutual support, the partners try to protect themselves from unwanted vicinity, in order not to lose their own individuality. But gradually comes to understand that their independence from each other is not so fragile and does not require real-time protection. And growing self-esteem because of personal achievements again allows partners more energy to devote to your marriage relationship.
Establishing relations
Now none of the partners has no doubt that is quite an independent person and can compromise for the sake of relationships. Both want to feel approval from the partner and to experience greater closeness. I wish tenderness in relationships, opportunities to be closer to each other, but to remain independent. Again the vulnerability, desire for comfort and support, but there is no fear to be absorbed by the symbiosis. The balance between "I" and "we" becomes more durable. They no longer try to change each other, but the differences are no longer barriers, and the field for enrichment. The main thing now is to re-learn how to give something to each other. On this segment leads to a strong relationship, based on the desire to be together, and not on the needs or fear of rupture. A relationship that suits both.
But it is the most perfect. These same difficulties arise when the couple is permanently stuck at any stage, or when partners are their different speeds. Theoretically, such combinations may be many, but experience shows that there are only a few consistently problematic options.
Stuck in symbiosis
People who felt in childhood unnecessary, subconsciously want to get from your partner all the warmth, love and comfort that they were neglected by their parents. And we tend to stick in symbiosis. When a couple a very long time in coming on the stage of differentiation, the story can develop in one of two directions - fused or hostile dependency.
Simbiose-Conjoint couples still do not know how to overcome differences, and therefore it is very cleverly hiding them, and it seems more suited to each other, people cannot even imagine. They have common friends, common interests and goals, they go everywhere together and do everything together. They never fight because they are afraid that any disagreement can instantly destroy everything. And the main purpose of such pairs: save the relationship at any cost. Usually the price is the loss of individuality. Two "I" completely stick together in "we", everyone's attention is focused on the partner, because it depends on him whether the other happy. Everyone tries to keep a partner about yourself, to read his thoughts, to be the only one in the world... They don't talk about their desires for fear that they may not like your partner. And both live in constant fear of being thrown.
Hostile-dependent pair may seem the complete opposite of the previous one. But, in fact, is in thrall to the same idea: partner is the only person who can give me happiness... but for some reason doesn't want to. Hence the constant quarrels, disappointments and criticisms. Every absolutely sure that you will feel better if your partner will change constantly offended that you don't do what I want", and angry from having to talk about desires: "If you loved me, you'd know what I want".
Each such pair believes their needs are most important and are willing to overcome the discomfort partner. Even the most constructive criticism is perceived in bayonets, and small contradictions - as a global attack. Both are rapidly converging in childhood, begin to yell, hurling crockery and slam doors. None of them thinks about how his behavior affects partner, but is waiting for another automatic fulfillment of all their desires. And angry, if he plays. It is the partner in charge of what I feel, why he's with me!
Each such pair can be sure that the partner is obliged to take care of it, but to feel unworthy of such care. So they are counting on it, and require... refuse when they are offered. In every good word seen a trick or manipulation, and when one shows his sense, the second takes him by the prosecution and the conflict flares up.
In addition to the fear of being thrown in this pair, there is also the fear of absorption, and therefore to maintain distance are constant quarrels. But dependence on this only increases.
The first and lagging
When one has passed the stage of symbiosis, and the second - no, trouble is inevitable.
In simbiose-differentiating one pair of partners have already made the next step, and second to him is not yet ready. In this situation, the symbiotic partner perceives the desire for freedom as criticism and threat to the relationship. And therefore tries to return the situation to normal through manipulation: "Yes, as it turned out, the differences between us, but you will eliminate, all will be well again". Increase personal space one of the partners of the other perceives as the first steps towards a breakup. And this negative expectation of further increases its dependence on the partner. The problem here is that one does not want to push yourself in the pursuit of growth, to maintain the relationship, and the second one can not understand this desire in a partner.
Sometimes simbiose-learning couples in which one partner - usually the man - out of the symbiosis immediately to the stage of training. On the one hand, because men are often afraid of the emotion of the second stage and try to avoid it. And on the other, very often the situation itself causes this. For example, when the husband has an interesting job in which he can find himself, and the wife is engaged in the upbringing of the child.
Because differentiation was not to solve family problems the couple didn't know what one takes all the energy outward, and the second feels betrayed and abandoned. The student partner is becoming more independent, and relationships that previously brought pleasure to both of them, now perceived as unbearably demanding. Attempt to remain close violently rejected out of fear again slipping into symbiosis and lose only started individualization.
It is very often the student partner is not too interested in the development of another. Because he has a huge advantage: he can use that freedom, but to feel safe and support from symbiotic partner.
When the training phase, one of the partners feels that it has achieved its objectives, and the second is still actively developing world, there is a pair of training - establishment of relations.
The successful partner will be difficult to maintain their own half, while he already wants more intimacy. The second is afraid that he will have to sacrifice personal values and development and to be the spouse of someone else. If this partner is not so long ago entered a stage of learning, it may be considered an attempt to get closer again as an encroachment on their freedom.
Now you know what to fear, the main thing - remember: there are no such problems would not have been able to cope with real love and a drop of common sense.
* Symbiosis is the desire of one or, more rarely, by both partners to establish a unified sense of emotional space in the relationship.
Symbiosis, or About the benefits of freedom in relationships
Source:
Our Psychology
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