It does not matter what it was: cheating, household routine, scandals or quiet hatred. Now it was in the past. You divorced. No matter how hard to believe, but now you are standing on the threshold of a new life. And you make it what it is! The divorce level of stress is on the second place after the death of a spouse or close relative. Indeed, whatever the causes of divorce, the pain is inevitable. And this is natural: creating a family, you put it with certain feelings, emotions and hopes. With the disintegration of the family in varying degrees, is destroyed and the inner world of man. And whoever the initiative whatever happens, divorce, mental injury (explicit or implicit) are experiencing both spouses.
Yes, divorce is painful, scary, frustrating, and often hopeless. But still this is not the end of life.
Divorce brings with it major changes in life, but what they will be, depends on the person. Now your task is to get rid of the burden of negative emotions (and it can be done, only allowing yourself to live them to the end) and yet to preserve the integrity of your inner "I".
Bad, but predictable?
For our grandmothers divorce often meant indelible disgrace to the end of days for moms - the collapse of well-established life and public reprimand.
In Soviet times, divorce was associated with weight difficulties both at household and community level. The housing issue in this case was solved for a very long time.
Divorced not issued abroad, career along the party line, they were ordered, as well, and work on sensitive sites. The initiator of the divorce incessantly cavestri at various meetings. Children from single-parent families was unequivocal - the fatherless.
Modern society treats divorce is much more tolerant, but on a subconscious level, our genetic memory carries information about the fact that divorce is a disaster. Moreover, by its nature, a woman more than a man strives for stability, not like change. Often we think: let it be bad, but on the familiar scenario, because the unknown is far worse. However, you must remember that actually divorce happens so that in the end the life of each of the spouses has become better. Believe me, it will take not so much time, and you will be able to verify this myself.
Expanding consciousness
Even if you think that from the abyss of pain and despair will never get out - don't give up! Now before you is a very important choice: to live or to suffer. To continue serving those events, for the hundredth circle thinking of the possible scenarios, or to open the doors to a new life? To analyze the incident will be then, when passions will subside and the pain will subside. At first, anger, resentment and despair simply not leave you chances to objective conclusions. This is what experts call "a state of constricted consciousness". Therefore, to understand, first of all, with your emotions, you need to expand.
Understand and accept negative feelings in this case natural. Most importantly, do not agree on the role of the victim, not to cultivate a sense of self-pity - and then the pain will recede. If desperate you break dishes or sobbing uncontrollably - it's even good. Much worse, when a person closes itself. It is fraught with not only mental, but also physical disorders (unlived emotions as if "stuck" in the body). The energy of the pain needs to be melted into the energy of the action.
As emergency mental health care use techniques that utilize the body.
- Have fun! Dancing on the merry disco - just what you need now. You can try another way: hard go kicking, screaming at this anything - until you feel that spreads through the body heat. Physical activity is a constructive way to vent the accumulated aggression.
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As a soap bubble! Cover eyes, imagine your problem (resentment, anger, feelings of inferiority) in the form of a specific image (stone, thorn is the first thing that comes to mind). Put this image inside an imaginary bubble and nadoway him as long as he will not burst. Repeat mentally until then, until you feel that your problem finally disappeared or turned into a positive image.
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Wave goodbye to the past! Do a ritual step, signifying the end of your suffering: gather friends for a bachelorette party, renew closet, we rearrange the furniture in the apartment. It is important that your actions were creative.
It's heyday
Now, when the most acute feelings left behind, it's time to get serious inner work.
Not shifting the blame for what happened only on yourself or ex-spouse for disconnection always responsible both partners. Well, if you can find a competent therapist who will be able to rely on professional help in this case. It will help to find the true cause of your divorce and rethink them - not to make similar mistakes in the future. However, work on yourself should not confine themselves to visits to a specialist, no one will change your life instead of you!
First, thank yourself for something that you found the strength not to break down and survive the incident.
Secondly, thank and release... ex-husband.
Make a list of useful elements that you have learned from your marriage (for example, became more confident, I realized that there are no hopeless situations, and so on). This priceless experience, which is now always with you. Receive him.
Realize, finally, what always dreamed of doing, but somehow never got to it. Remember your children's Hobbies, sign up attending a driving school or school of Indian dance. And don't be surprised if you suddenly opens talents that you never knew existed. The fact that each successfully passed the test leads us to a new stage of their own development, gives us new opportunities.
Open your heart
According to the observations of psychologists, must be at least years after a breakup, so that people fully stabilized his state of mind and open to new love. Of course, any rule, there are happy exceptions. However, do not rush to seek solace in love relationships. Give yourself time to be alone with him. When a person becomes a sun, he stops to look for someone who warmed him. Simply put, finding inner integrity, we begin to attract into your life more of a Mature relationship.
Alas, hasty novels, hoping to be forgotten or annoy the former is only an illusion that can lead you to new disappointments. Not rethinking our past mistakes in a new marriage you would be stepping on the same rake. Don't rush things, let yourself live this experience to end. And a new love is sure to be - it will come when you will be ready to meet it with a wise heart and an open mind.
Get rid of the power of stereotypes!
Under stress, we often prefer the so-called stereotypical behavior. Meanwhile, have become an everyday norm, negative attitudes can truly control our lives!
It seems to you
I am too old (ugly, fat, or unlucky) is now on your personal life will have to put a cross.
- Have struggled to keep this marriage for the sake of the children. They need to be mom and dad.
- Polacos mom, girlfriends - they let me sympathize.
- How could he leave me for her?! And what a shameless should be a woman, to take away someone else's husband!
- Need a lot of time before I recover from the suffering and begin to truly live.
Actually
Happiness in his personal life does not depend on age and not even from external data, but your self-esteem and internal readiness to be happy. And it is those things that you can actually influence.
Don't try to manipulate your own child, don't put it with the responsibility of saving your relationship. The child still feels false, and the visibility of the family will not make him happier.
Honestly answer yourself the question: what is important to you - get a new batch of pity or to become a truly strong and find a way out?
In the second case, talk to a competent therapist. We are not able to influence the actions of other people. And thinking all the time about new passion ex-husband, you simply spray your mental energy.
You really want to manage your internal resources? Reference points to their inner feelings, but not as a "should". Life is one, and the opportunity to rewrite it on a clean copy you will not. When you start to truly live, if not right now?
Consultant Svetlana Rozfamily psychologist
The magazine "Your health", No. 9, September 2006
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