Source: Dreamstime.com
To be lonely is hard. Apparently, you can live as you want, no one else to adjust, professionally ideas... But most women are very vulnerable: they need love, they need to feel secure. And public opinion perceives the absence of a partner as something other than a social standard. A single woman is hard to come back in the evening in an empty apartment. And... it's difficult to give up their freedom.
"I have mixed feelings, says 35-year-old Olga, assistant to the Deputy. - At work fly on wings, and come home - coming Blues. I am passionate about the work, are proud of their independence. But sometimes I think: all of this would give, just to have a family, children. Then morning comes, I sit behind the wheel to go to the Duma, and say to myself: "I Want to turn into a hen? What are you, crazy? ".
Fear intimacy
"Women bring myself trying to explain the reason for his "defeat" on the personal front, " says psychotherapist Anna Varga. - But enough to hear their judgment about men, to follow the logic of their behavior, to conclude: in the basis of their action lies fear".
Fear is the key word. "Some fears are superimposed on the other, " explains Anna Varga - so, fear not to meet anyone in their path often lurks the fear of the meetings, with the desire to start a life together - waiting for the betrayal: the woman in advance I am sure that it deceived, and prefers not to engage in close relationships". That is why many people today choose temporal relations: we are now living together, but it's so rough, because tomorrow, maybe somebody will appear more interesting. "This instability increases fear of rejection, and especially women, - says the analyst Lola Komarova. Because they are unlike men are looking for in a partner relationship in the first place attachment, rather than sexual satisfaction. And tear, loss of affection is perceived seriously. Having survived this time, the woman most likely would be afraid to get involved again."
Often the determining factor in the behavior of women is fear of intimacy. "It's not about intimofobii (fear of sexual intimacy, and about the difficulties of adapting to another person - it requires emotional costs, but because it seems too difficult, " explains Anna Varga. Is it the fear to lose yourself, to lose yourself in a partner in the family - in other words, the fear of absorption. And often, without feeling the strength to defend his "I", women prefer not to engage in "adventure".
Message family
"I don't know of a single example of a really happy family! "is a refrain we often hear from single women. Many of them find it difficult to imagine that the relationship between a man and a woman can be easy, harmonious, and love is full of emotions and happy. This view depends on the model of the family Union of the parents. Arise whether women against him or try to imitate him, whether the marriage of the parents of the ideal to which they aspire, or bitter that they want to forget, the main experience of the mother: if she was happy. It is through this experience is born the image of the family.
"Frequent case: father was a "bad" mother unhappy, " says Jungian analyst Stanislav Rajewski. - As an adult, the daughter of hard to be able to tie a serious relationship - any man to her will likely be in one row with her father, and she involuntarily will perceive it as a dangerous man"... "can be Difficult personal life and the girl, who grows up in a loving family and childhood hears such a wonderful relationship, as we have, no, we're better," adds Anna Varga. It's hard to be happy when Planck relationship so high. Not looking good, and excessive attachment to parents. "Such women are too good at home and they are unable to break the link with the parent family, " adds Lola Komarova. - In addition to live at home more convenient and easier. They begin to earn and live in pleasure, but are not responsible for own family. In fact they and 40 years remain teenagers". The fee for the comfort of the big - "big girls" it is difficult to create (or save) your own family.
The quest for the ideal
Ask a single woman, what she believes to be the key in a relationship with a man. Almost certainly you will hear that her potential partner should be caring, understanding, loyal, always ready to lend a helping hand. In other words, we will focus only on its requests and requirements. But where is she, what is her role that she is ready to give partner? "The man is seen as a commodity, " says Lola Komarova, is a lonely woman like a teenager seeks to consume, have fun. And as an adult it is always better to give".
With infantile model is connected and maximalist perception of marriage: living together must be extremely happy and cloudless, and if it is not, it is better to remain single. "Many women are afraid that they will not hear that they will not respect and support - that's why they prefer solitude, " notes Anna Varga. But any marriage at different times, it can be happy and not very easy and difficult. Life in a pair is a living connection between two independent people, which is important for the personal development of both".
When a woman allows herself to be ourselves, cease to feel like a little girl, filled with fear before adult life, she has a chance to build relationships. After all, to be an adult means to free ourselves from the fears and the impact of stereotypes, from the depressing feeling of nedolyublennoy and insecurity, and to finally begin to live his own life.
Where are all the singles?
Why it seems that men are rarely lonely? Possibly because single European men are more likely to live in rural areas and in small towns, many of them do not have higher education. Intellectual sphere is the work of only 11, 8% of unmarried men (19, 2% of women). Among ordinary employees - 12, 7% of single men (9, 2% of women).
Author:
He Chermen
Source:
PSYCHOLOGIES
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