One of the parents will be able to remain calm when the son gets a d on the exam, which honestly was prepared? Or it is reasonable to treat the tears of his daughter, who finds no place of unrequited love? Yes, we understand that this is all nonsense, and in the future will only help children to avoid much more serious disappointments. But how many of us will be able to avoid the temptation to hug the baby warmly and to assure that he is not himself, and someone else to blame for all his troubles and sorrows?
So, on the one hand, we want the child has learned to constructively treat their failures, analyze the reasons that led to the defeat, and would try next time not to repeat the same mistakes. On the other hand, we are ready for any tricks, just to save children from disappointment. While this approach may do more harm than good.
Do not shift the blame on others
Modern parents are trying to create in the child a sense of confidence in their abilities and capabilities. And for that reason many people try to shift the blame for blunders with the children themselves to someone else. After losing a football match, the child is comforted by the fact that the judges were unfair, but it is much wiser to say, "I think you are scattered and it played very well." After all, the task of parents is not to protect the child from any trouble, and to teach him to cope with the difficult situation.
The earlier you start to work on the constructive attitude of the children to the failure, the more chances that you will succeed.
Attitude to the world
Psychologists are now increasingly talking about the two main types of relationship to the world. The first type is called "fixed", the person perceives himself and his abilities as immutable. People with this mindset more often faced with the need again and again to prove to myself and to others that they are worthy of any respect. People with the "mobile" world view, on the contrary, believe that they themselves and their capabilities can change and evolve depending on the situation and experiences. They are more easily adapt to new life conditions.
The worldview of the child depends on the parents, and that means in our power to affect how he will treat his victories and defeats. Faced with failure, a child with a "fixed" mindset can break down, and can justify himself in all possible ways. These children are either very worried for destruction, or completely ignore it, pretending that nothing had happened. Children with "moving" the look at events, on the contrary, will try to overcome the difficulty, so next time show the best results. Of course, they also get upset when faced with failure or defeat, but after a certain period of time can properly assess what had really happened, and what needs to be done to change the situation.
To help the child create a "mobile" view of the world and to teach him to learn from defeats, and then turn them into real victory, listen to the advice of psychologists.
The advice of psychologists
Praise what is praiseworthy. Regardless of how assessment comes home student, focus not on the mark, and that the child learned that he was interested in, and where this knowledge can be useful. Children whose parents praised not for five, and the ability to think and to offer non-standard solutions, are not afraid of difficult tasks. On the contrary, the more complex the task, the more interesting to do. What if the child has done a great job and still got a deuce? Necessarily praise him for trying, for the efforts he has put in. But don't try to shift the blame on unfair teachers. It should say something like: "I know you really tried, you're done! But, it seems you don't quite understand this topic. Let's see, how can you understand".
Teachers at school often require children good grades, but if the child undertook the challenging and interesting task that was too much, he still deserves respect. It may be that he deserves it even more than those who were limited to standard approaches, and received well-deserved four and five. Do you believe that the ability to not be afraid of difficulties and think outside the box is more important than good grades for algebra test? If Yes, then let your child know about it.
Talk to your child about what success and failure. How to explain to the child that the victory in a competition or a good score is not the only measure of success? Try to convey to the children that the process of preparation worthy of respect, and not just the result. Oddly enough, the younger the child is worried about the results, the better they are. Only in this case, the student can focus on what he's doing at the moment, and fully Express their knowledge. Just say: "For me, the real success is when you really try and do something from the heart and with pleasure." You have probably been times when you were able to overcome the difficulties for yourself. Tell us about them children.
Do not embellish any facts. All people ever lose this rule has no exceptions. Someone does not take in a ballet school, someone flies out of the competition after the first match, someone entered the gymnasium. This is the life! But be sure to talk about what happened. Don't tell the child that everything is fine. But don't pretend as if nothing happened. Silence shapes a child's belief that something happened so horrible that it can't even speak. The most constructive would such an approach: "Well, the exam we did not pass. As we prepare for next time? "
Give up your own ambitions. Sometimes what parents think the defeat of the child, actually only hurt their own feelings.
Don't confuse your own baby desires with what I want your children. If you are frustrated with the failures more than the child himself, it turns out that this is your problem and solve it exactly you need. Do not cease to remind yourself that this is your child's life, not yours. First and foremost important of his desires and aspirations.
Be calm, and the child will also calm down. Children often engage in hysterics because of failures and defeats, because I can put my emotions into words, and tears and screams are the only way to Express feelings. For four-five year olds this is quite normal, but 10-year-old can control myself.
What if the child cries wholeheartedly, and others look at you with pity? First, take the child aside. Talk calmly pity him and sympathize with. Say, "I understand that you are hurt". Hug, Pat on the head. Your first task is to calm the child, and then you can talk to him about what happened.
Most often, children or crying long enough and survive, or they withdraw into themselves, trying to look older. And here it is best to play along with the child. Ask how he would like to do, what he wants to talk. Do not react too violently, let them know that nothing terrible has happened.
And finally, the most important advice. Each day, let us be clear to the children that you love them regardless of their grades or sports achievements. You love them, simply because they are, not because they do something well.
If the child understands that parents will not love him less if he gets two, the evaluation will never be for him the tragedy.
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