As the saying goes, for the parent, the child is always the baby. Even if the "kid" about 30 years, it will still be considered almost silly. Of course, the situation may evolve in a different way: respect for the autonomy of the child, the perception of him as a Mature personality. But if it is not, problems can not be avoided. And often all the "sharp" stones occur when adult children are married and they have their own family. Today, about three stories.1 the story: "Neurosis on the neurosis"
Boris, 35
My problem is probably typical of many couples living with their parents. Not so long ago I got married, but at home we have no terms for sex, every act of love has become a torment, for thin wall sleeping parents. Lately I feel that my wife became nervous, irritable. Both complain of some ailments, I was diagnosed with migraine, and I think the reason it is in the lack of normal sex and relationships with parents. We thought to leave their parents and live separately, but I faced the strongest resistance. They categorically put the question: "would Abandon us? Lose forever! We will turn from you! " And I, and they got used to the fact that all my life (before my marriage) we were happy with each other.
Whether this history and sexual dissatisfaction with relationships with parents? Most likely Yes. Irregular and inadequate sex life can cause health problems. The diagnosis of "migraine" in medical language often means: "it is unclear why he had a headache,". Most likely, we are talking about the pain of the "phantom", i.e. without organic nature. But for the suffering they are real and it is a kind of neurotic reaction. For example, if Boris headache, he has the full right not to engage in sex, and therefore, do not feel remorse or parents ("I'm a good boy and do not do anything wrong"), nor to his wife ("Well, you see, I have health problems"). The same thing happens with the wife of Boris. In this situation, the diseases will only improve, as "sick" can not to engage in sex. And sheep are safe and wolves are fed, but health just deteriorated.
In this story it's not just a "good" relationship with their parents, and symbiosis. That is why life has ceased to be, as soon as there were new members - wife and child. Where there is a symbiosis, there is no other. Perhaps Boris would be only too glad to escape, but the parents (most likely female) "pull" it back.
Do not try to turn the river of time back and give the "debts" of parents, cheated, who now must transfer its energy to the child. It is he needs good energy, so he grew up strong and sturdy and could subsequently pass it on to their children.
Indeed, parents Boris manipulate them with his tacit consent. But you need to be aware of the consequences - that the wife will get tired of sick and healthy mind will tell you the way to escape. Then, most likely, will be followed by a divorce. Broken relationship with your child. But the symbiosis with the parents will remain until their death. And Boris during this time will suffer headaches and double guilt: for not being able to stop the manipulation, and for the fact that his son is growing up without him.
How to change the situation
Start to live separately from their parents. Of course, they must be prepared, the conversation will be difficult, perhaps, not one. Most likely, you will need validol, and may call an ambulance. Not Levites on this "bait", it can also be a means of manipulation. Symbiosis destroy is always very difficult, even when it comes to 5-year-old child. Symbiotic experience of this family for 35 years, and to change the situation, the desired strength and will.
Keep the chosen course of action: "Mom, dad, love you very much, I will often come to visit every day to call. We don't get away from each other spiritually and geographically. You favorite". Of course, followed by a difficult period. All you will need about six months to adapt to the new situation.
The most important thing is inner spirit. If there is no confidence and attitude to change, nothing will come of it. Mom "thinks" uncertainty and will insist on its position, until you get the capitulation. But again think about the consequences: what happens if the situation does not change.
2 story: "My father is the benefactor"
Pauline, 33 years
My husband of 33 years, live alone, no children. The problem in the relationship with my father. He is very authoritarian and seeks to command me and my husband. We really owe him a lot: I live in an apartment, bought with his money to work and me and my husband also made the father. Travel by car, bought with the money of his father. In General, the range of must and have to. Husband is very depressing, because the father commands him, as a boy, and he suffereth, clenching his teeth. However, the father commands all who are able. Each meeting with the Pope ends my quarrel with her husband. I have a feeling that your family is breaking. Recently my husband (he's military) said that at the first opportunity at another place he will go to serve away from here and I may decide to go with him or stay. To me, this position seems infantile, because he runs from them.
The situation when there is a confrontation between two men (often the father-in-law and son-in-law), is not so rare. Experienced male seeks to dominate and "win" the young. Husband of Pauline - not infantile boy, he wants to be head of the family. He is fighting for this right until not too clearly, but it is already obvious for the wife. If the father will continue to pressure and attempts to command, not far off an open conflict between the two men.
Let he can not provide that can provide father of Pauline, but he will try. Figuratively speaking, he wants to be the "leader" of his "flock". His flock is his wife. Now he lives in a situation where the "leader" for him to become, in a situation where the father manipulates others, trying to "buy" their obedience.
Polina in this situation, you need to choose what is more important is to maintain the appearance of good relations with the father or marriage. Difficult choice, but that's what he is. A good solution is to move to another place where you can start to live independently, without the oppression of material well-being created by the father. Of course, the first time will not be easy without the usual benefits, but the relationship in the family will benefit from this. And the relationship with the father will get better!
3 story: "cannot communicate with the relatives of the wife! "
Svetlana, age 26
I can't find a common language with the mother of my husband. She does a lot or says to the detriment of me, and I am not able to communicate with her. After our meetings, I am very sick, so we go to her rarely, and my husband misses his mother and feels guilty! I even tried with her not to meet, already a year has passed, but still I feel its pressure. Lately I have no desire to even live with her husband.
Of course, to throw men - it futile. To understand this history, you need to understand with whom Svetlana conflict. If the mother-in-law, and solve it with the mother-in-law, and not within the family. Otherwise, the spouse is in the role of "trash": the wife of "throws" it negative to his mother, and the mother in turn is a negative on the wife. So who in this situation is most difficult? Of course, her husband. He, poor fellow, he loves and the mother (as well as without it! ), and spouse. To force him to choose not just harmful, but also detrimental to the relationship. No ultimatums.
Mother-in-law does not want to resolve the conflict? In this situation, it shouldn't be forced to do it. Conflict resolution - case mutual. Unilaterally not to solve, but something can be done.
Try to devalue this situation. More likely to say "so what? ". Said something mother-in-law - "so what? "did something "so what? ". Not every little thing to build in the rank of fire from the tank by itself favourite.
Less fantasize about what a mother thinks and that makes you. In those realities communication when communication is so rare, 80% of its "intrigues" invented and doumani.
Let the husband to decide how and how much to communicate with her mother. Imagine that in the future partner of your child decided that he should not communicate with you. What feelings did you experience in this regard? Certainly not the lightest.
Think about your share of the responsibility for this conflict. Show good will on their part.
To break away and go!
Every adult man there comes a time when he has to "break away" from their parents and to feel independent. It is the time of the creation of a young family is often the "litmus test" issues in the relationship with the older generation, to this non-obvious. And then to defend the independence of his family have under the circumstances. Of course, a very important step is the territorial separation, but it is not always possible. In fact, the independence and responsibility within the person, and it can and must shape!
Source:
Our Psychology
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