You can be young, beautiful and long-legged and still hate my body. Nina Avdasheva frankly told him why she was embarrassed to be naked even in front of your beloved man"And what is in us for the beast this marvelous?! "bulky teacher leans ominously above me, curiously studying my new year's eve costume. "I'm a snowflake," the frowning, I turn away. "Well, it's not a snowflake and not a beast, " mom smiles guiltily, as if apologizing. - This is a great candy".
I was always the "big candy". And even now, when I really lost weight and slim, Mature, self-sufficient girl in the mirror I still see the giant in a suit snowflakes".
It so happens that I like to control everything. "What have you got? ", "Where are you? , When will be? " For example, when I come home in the evening, all actions do in a certain order. The slightest failure unsettle. All the pockets of my bags functionally involved. Trolley in the supermarket is filled with products in accordance with defined logic, and with the same logic these products are placed on the tape to the cashier. At work I robot-excellence. At home, I simply judge. With the ease of an experienced butcher I cut up all your daily tasks on a continuous logical pipeline. In this coherent system of values that one is not under my control element has always been my body. And not that I was confused by the extra weight or the shape of the feet. My body in complex aroused in me a feeling of persistent exclusion.
The most difficult thing for me is to undress. On the beach, at the doctor, in the fitting room. Even alone my body I perceived as alien. At school I hated most of all the physical education classes and pool. Hated it the need to go through the public humiliation of the locker room. I managed to pull away his underwear without taking off with jeans and skirts. Even now, when a man pulls with my panties, I'm in a hurry-stumble in his embarrassment, as if thousands of expert eyes I give scores.
I will never forget: I'm 10 years old, my grandmother took me in frightening the building of the Central research Institute at the reception to my friend experienced dermatologist. "She has something on the back, some sort of rash". A stout woman in sapphires loudly ordered: "Take off your jacket! " It should be noted that in the study there were several of doctors with high hair, gold-rimmed pince-nez and varnish boats. I did remove not wanted. Stand - eyes down. "Well, shoot, what's up?! " Grandma forcibly took off my jacket, painfully dragging her through the head, and sharply turned me back to an aggressive fee. Unfamiliar aunt poked me something cold and judgemental whispered. Grandmother began to talk about me in the third person: "the Nervous child, eats poorly, learning something like". I have tears. Somehow I small, felt slowly separated from his body, indifferently fly by my grandmother in the hospital corridors and fly away. Since then my body for me was very strange, and people who want to see me naked, should become a part of me.
These feelings of tightness pulling me in the past is still in the childhood, when you criticize and ashamed. Me and now dominates the fear of not being on the height, to be humiliated, that is listed in the child state.
My friend Faith is very different from me. Her Breasts fourth dimension retains its elasticity with the ninth grade. She knows it and likes to walk around naked. I'm terribly jealous and at the same time condemn her. Remember, we were sitting at her house, and she, without thinking, unzipped his jacket, lifted the skirt, stepped out of the panties, and continuing as if nothing had happened to tell me something fascinating, rubbed himself moisturizer. In front of me swung her large Breasts, and I caught myself thinking: "it's Quite a shame lost! "but the eye could not take. She spoke confidently, trying on bras, and this is a natural communication between two friends turned me inside out. How much I don't love yourself, even if others female body reject, as something to be ashamed of! Shame, seems to have completely lost me, and not her.
Surprisingly, the sex I love, and men unto me stretch uninterrupted. But because of my quarrelsome with his own body during sex I had to resort to sophisticated methods of concealment. Lights out, throw a grenade! Sheets, linen, total darkness, a strong alcoholic intoxication has saved me so long, until my life is not broke someone who wanted to stay forever. He wanted to do with me those things that were always hidden from the eyes of my short-lovers. He wanted to take a shower with me, he stayed not at night, and all day, he walked naked in my apartment and insisted that I was doing the same thing. He looked at me under a microscope every day and offended when I hesitated. He loved me and my body was telling me that I am beautiful. And I didn't believe, and still believe that my painful relationship with your own body will be only mine and no man able to cure me. But, anyway, this man helped me. I still love him for it.
I have one feature: when I'm afraid of something, when irritated by something, then take a hyperactive position, try to move the situation on myself. This is my feature was essential in my sexual life. I'm terribly afraid that the man, being with me in bed, will see my body through my eyes. Therefore, in sex I was very diligent and always have done myself - but would not be in the situation of the patient on the surgical table, the body is closely examining doctor. Thanks to your fears, I became experienced and, as it seemed to my men, grateful mistress. And I was just afraid of losing control.
But one day my boyfriend, whom I met two years, asked me to masturbate for him. He wanted to look at it closely, closeup. I was in absolute panic. To do so, it was necessary in the shortest possible time to love themselves. I did not even alone, go to the gynecologist, as on Calvary. About how to put everything on the inspection of one spectator, could not even be considered. He'd pleaded. He was asked. In the end, I removed myself on video, took a couple of photos. And, seeing himself naked, decided that it will be easier for this guy to quit than to show him my ugly body in all its glory. He had called me in bewilderment. But I was quietly sitting completely alone in my house, and my loneliness with your own body, covered dimensionless pajamas, was sweet and comfortable. I was so happy that I finally left in peace.
I've been left alone. The men were. Are all different. Someone to love me, someone not very. I easily communicated, easily he did his best, but it was enough for a man to go beyond the usual all positions were excluded. Maybe just didn't want to let anyone in your life? Or not loved anyone? One thing is clear: through the body of man expresses itself. I am a very dissatisfied. I am haunted by the feeling that I have a whole lot of flaws that others see. And I want this to cover nakedness. I also want you to understand - it's not my real shell. I have neither fat nor distorted forms. Everything is much more complicated. I am a perfectionist and would never be able to believe that someone will seem beautiful. And anyway, Adam and eve bit the forbidden Apple and looking at each other with different eyes, the first thing that made her hands over his genitals.
Once at the Institute, my friend studied medical encyclopedia. She saw a schematic depiction of the male penis in paints and began to consider it carefully. "He really is? "she asked me in amazement. I don't understand the question. This girl is already a year and a half lived with a young man! "You still haven't seen it? " Yes, they have sex and possibly love each other. But she never saw his penis near and not kept in the hands. And such forms of relationships are.
There are also others. I know one girl. She didn't hesitate in himself, nor in men, nor in sex. With pleasure she took all the pleasure that it gave her her own body. And once in bed with another lover, in which she again tried to find a life partner, she felt infinitely happy. She wanted to give him everything, including to reveal all the secrets of his body. Without barriers, without conventions she wanted to open for the first time in his twenty-six years. Without thinking, she admitted that she loves him, and during sex in the most unexpected moment paid special attention to his anus with his hands and tongue. He left the next morning and never returned. We've analyzed, but did not understand that you still confused - words of love or it is a daring sexual escapade.
In one lovely German family Krause all naked. I saw a photo album, which Udo Krause, head of the family, proudly showed me. Here they are, with his wife playing ping pong, now getting ready for a BBQ in the back yard, so he puffs a pipe, and she knits. All anything, only when they are naked. Surprised, I asked why. "We are so close to each other, smiles to me bourgeois man. - Reach out and touch her beautiful skin. So I feel that she is always near." Their children saw them naked neighbors was mistakenly caught them naked and even called the police to visit friends go, only pre-phoned, " anything. I shrug. They together fifty years. They know it better.
But it seems to me that man is not created for mindless absolute unity with another person. There are still in our loneliness and uniqueness tel profound mystery that should not be violated. Sometimes the mystery is becoming a serious basis for a long and happy marriage. My grandfather and my close friend, lived with his wife for more than sixty years, every day he looked at her with adoration. At the end of his life he confessed to his grandson that until the end and not have solved the mystery of his wife.
Author:
Avdasheva N.
Source:
ELLE
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