What's wrong with that? What is fundamentally wrong with this approach? Primary, this relationship to child: attempting to train, to appeal to his conscience, values lay solely at the level of his understanding without touching the internal state and internal desires. After this approach begin the following issues: child asks sorry if I offended, not because he sincerely repents, because he knows that he behaved improperly. Someone would think that this is not so important, they say, knowledge will help him to feel wrong. This misconception! Understanding imposed on the feeling of shame, really fast will help the child to cope with the situation, to find the right solution and not to be like. But bare understanding often will cause you try to hide a bad thing, try not to be kind and sensitive, and to make an impression on others. If we honestly look at the people around us, how much do we find those who are themselves and not trying to seem like wishful thinking? One of the traps is that driven by morality, conscience, and not the internal sense, we often, even if they are sincerely trying to follow this morality is in "desperate situation": in the choice between work and child (classic situation is the mother of a 2-3 year baby), unloved husband and fear to stay alone, parents and spouse and t.d. To come up with a combination of the two lights is not difficult. But the man who used to listen to yourself, such situations do not happen. When they occur away by themselves, rather obvious way.
Method of gingerbread.
Method of cake - this skill in any situation to support and help your child. The ability to feel that love and care it requires not so much when he first floated the entire length of the pool or passed physics perfectly, but when he offended the girl in the Park or kicked the cat. Do not think that the last two situations are the reason for a Pat on the head and gently say, "Honey, don't. Here's your candy! " No! These two situations require a completely different (but always friendly) reaction of the mother and father. "Son, look at the girl you pushed her and she is hurt. She cries. What happened? You wanted to play her toys? You can ask. You can come and ask permission. If you're shy, you can do this together. When hit, the person very sick, even if he is strong and can make change. Learn to speak. Learn to ask, to ask. Communicate. This does not mean that you necessarily give a toy, but you will be able to play together in another game. Well? Let's spare the girl. So she was not sick. To her eyes from crying, and smiled. The girl is very good..."
In this case, without naming the act is bad, or even worse a child, we awaken in him the best qualities: the ability to notice another person, the ability to interact with it, the ability to accept his point of view. His calmness, his kindness without words we say to the child that we love him and in this situation we offer him a radically different solution: and how could it be, and how you can do it now, when something happened. Such an example of patience will give the child a much more useful and profound lesson than words: "it is Impossible to beat anybody! Remember! Beat - bad! " or: "get over here! Are you hurt a girl? Oh, you wretch! Here the father would come home from work, he will show you how hands! " It turns out that on top of the pain and resentment for the fact that the girl did not give toys, child-imposed guilt, fear of the mother, the greater the fear of the father, understanding that there is a power that can always twist you into a RAM's horn. Then will come the age, when the child is movable only one dream to escape from the influence of this force, to become such a force (even before perfeckly in school), and most importantly - to be a father to his child obeyed unwavering. Well, what's good? In such blunt obedience, even if this can be achieved? The child will not be flexible, the parent will be all the strength to spend on something to subordinate. And surrendering and having a weak-willed creature, is to appeal to his initiative, to laugh at the lack of will, lack of interest, driving internal problems deeper and deeper.
Isn't it better to pull them out? Isn't it better to feel that no child shall dissolve the fists just so. And to solve the problem (like any other) can only true solution to internal causes inadequate, bad, aggressive, or some other behavior. Such things are decided by only one and very difficult for most modern parents by the way:
1. Cancel power and authority in the family (the child will come to love and respect parents himself, including for example the relationship of his parents to grandparents, but not at the expense of long lectures from parents);
2.The unconditional acceptance of the child, regardless of how he behaves, because any behavior requires attention on the part of parent, love and care. Without our support under the label of "I'm bad", the baby has no chance to change;
3. Respect of its interests and values. Even if they seem doubtful. With this approach, he will experience much faster and aware of their dubiousness. Take your lesson in Life: you can make a mistake, don't notice it after some time to understand it and quietly change the circumstances, without being their slave, not being afraid to correct mistakes, not ashamed of his past and more consciously treating his future choice.
4. A constant example of parents. And, perhaps most importantly, with which it is very difficult to cope. Teaching your children to tell the truth, I always say it? Each other? Children? And other people? Do not hold if we face, not are we working on their own image? If it is present, to raise an honest child, fearlessly and calmly standing in his position would be extremely difficult. Speaking about the good and the ability to give (candy, scapula), do we succumb? The same child when he asks? Husband? Wife? Parents often complain that the child is often capricious for nothing, they say, is just that - immediately tears. And unless we do not so behave? Or our problems for us might not be so petty as eaten chocolate for five years? Examples of mass. Here everyone will find their list next will not.
5. Consistency and patience. Yes, there have to say about parental self-discipline, the ability to monitor themselves and not for the child, managed emotions modern moms, etc.
I must say that often, knowing that children can not punish, but to understand, to love and help them to feel the situation and the outputs of them, the parents react in the following way: "Well, this pampering! Children must learn to obey adults, and so they will grow? All the time for them to indulge, to understand, to go on about. And he will say: I do not want to learn, give me some money. What is this? Now in school to resolve not to go? He ignoramuses will be, all the money of the family will pull..."
This reaction indicates complete misunderstanding of the nature of the child's natural desire to be with her mother, to bring its values to copy her behavior. You ever seen a baby elephant, which the elephant persuaded to follow her to drink, and he lies on his back and writhing her face? Then comes the daddy elephant, gives a good belt, and the kid sniffing nose and pouting, followed by the mother. Yes unlikely. You say, instinct? Possible, Yes. But if this model of the relationship of mother and child can be called a natural, instinctive, why such relationships in the human family cannot be called as well? Because we are created of the same Nature. The only child was born, and he's already good, already loves parents, already copies them and already happy that he is! All they need and the love and example of their parents.
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