Internal limiters
The complexes are internal constraints that prevent us to achieve what we could achieve if to believe more in themselves. They are similar to the sign, "stop! "that limit our ability and take power. "Anyway, I couldn't do it, I... (thick, ageing, with three children, acne and so on to infinity)". But even if people decided to fight them, it turns out that they have extraordinary durability, and will take time until they can be overcome. But the opportunities are there if you want.
Kate believes that she is too tall, Light that her face is not enough beautiful, and Luba is going through that at her age, approaching 30, not married. Girls often get together to discuss what it would be like if not for... the growth of the person and the age. "We all could have turned out differently! "they say, unable to escape.
Psychological complex is a misconception about their physical or psychological deficiencies, exaggerate them, accompanied by deep and usually concealed from outsiders experiences. We all have our own set of complexes, such as unique as the interlacing of lines on the pads of our fingers. Some of them stronger and define for us, and some are weaker and occur rarely. If you understand that the complexes hinder you, this is the reason to start fighting them. But those who do not have a big impact on your life, you can still be left alone. Complexes lot, and all at once it will be difficult to cope.
And complex?
First you need to determine, and is something that bothers you, complex. It turns out that the apparent side is not always reality.
One friend offers another try on in shop red dress. She refuses, in response hears: "is This your complexes! ". Woman waiting for a man she can truly love and keep your integrity. And often she has to hear about themselves: "is This your complex! ". A married woman does not want to plan until children because wants to finish her studies. Some of her friends already had time to get the kids, argue that it is complex.
Whether in these situations, the question of complexes? Most likely - no. Because each of us has the right to prefer certain colors, have their own position in relation to how and with whom to start a sexual life, and plan for children, correlating it with the personal rhythm of life. People love the word "complex" and use this concept where it is necessary and where it is not necessary. But as for themselves to understand the complex that is suspected as such?
Most likely, we are talking about complex if...
- you often suffer because of their own behavior, characteristics appearance;
- you often blame yourself that you were wrong in relation to other people or, on the contrary, blame others that they were not fair to you;
- you feel prevent stiffness when performing activities that are valued by other people;
- you are afraid or anxious before the meetings and conversations with people important to you;
- you blame most of their failures is something in your character or appearance;
- you have discovered regularities in relationships with people (in my personal life, at work, with friends), when at first all goes well, and then "suddenly" relations deteriorate;
- do you think that your parents made mistakes, educating you that now affects the rest of your life;
- do you think that you are hard to love;
- you aspire to some unattainable ideal.
Of course, this is not a test, but rather the ability to think. The more "Yes" answers you have, the more serious work on his own complexes will be required. The matter is also complicated by the fact that the complexes generally not understood by the people. Often we explain our behavior any "objective" circumstances, not realizing that we are managed by our internal limiter". Complexes live in our subconscious, and their access to the "surface", i.e., consciousness, painful, and that our mind cannot allow. But the complexes, being unconscious, have a strong influence on our behavior. Understanding them is the first step towards overcoming them.
"Bricks" complex
Natasha is a very attractive young woman, her slim figure, pretty face and great hair. But personal life Natasha is not yet formed that gives her peace. And the reason for this, as it thinks itself Natasha in... unattractiveness! All her friends wonder after hearing this version, because it's wrong, it becomes obvious with one glance at Natasha. But she believes the opposite, and that's dressed in nondescript clothes, too stiff and does not like favors to themselves. Her best friend remembers, as a child, Natasha's mother had often compared her with other girls and gait have been better, and posture, and thick hair, and even about face and say nothing. Natasha was grown up and turned into a beautiful Swan, but still see themselves only "ugly duckling".
All our complexes from childhood, this is the result of relationships with parents. But don't blame them for this. They wanted only good, emphasizing our "weaknesses", so we had the opportunity to improve.
So, the first element of the complex is its basic setup, which was formed we have up to 3-4 years. This is often a General setting, which can be stated as follows: "You should be better, and now you have a lot of shortcomings." At this age can be formed and concrete complex, for example, "I have too pull the ears". A child this age, it just knows, but don't pay that much attention, just sometimes pridumyvautsia when he hears another reminder of this. Actually, parents, instilling us with any complex, based on his image of the "perfect child", which must be either obedient or prettier, or smarter.
The second element is the recognition of this basic setup, which takes place from 4 to 11 years. For example, the girl regularly hears: "you Have protruding ears, so what, but you are good" or "If it weren't for these ears could plait braid". In General, these "ears" sometimes I look out from words of different people. And since at this age the child becomes more and more important, how he is perceived by others, the complex is fixed, and the girl begins to hide his weakness. During this period, already formed your "ideal image", but with the caveat that he is unapproachable.
The third component is a generalization of the setup, move it to a new level. Begins in adolescence and continues throughout life. This is what we said above: "I hardly anyone will like it, because I have protruding ears" or "I am unlikely to succeed with such ears, or perhaps both together. At this stage people are not just trying to hide the complex, and finds in a completely neutral words surrounding the hidden and certainly unpleasant for yourself subtext. For example, a completely neutral phrase girlfriend: "let's get going, there are too many ears" may be the subject of quiet resentment for the evening.
The fourth component - stabilization of the complex. At this stage, the complex is considered as the root cause of all misfortunes. Not passed the interview? Certainly did not want to take the employee with those ears! Broke up with a man? Correctly, yet it is strange that he even paid attention to me. In General, all are guilty ears, or small Breasts, or cellulite, or uneven teeth, you can choose from thousands of options. But the unpleasant fact that the person ceases to look for the actual cause of their failures! All just goes to complex! But about what HR said not too competent speech, or that the man could not resist the pressure of whims, it is easy to forget. And if so, the error will be repeated from time to time, because of them is not correct conclusions. In this sense, a complex similar to these strange glasses with opaque glass, but with a printed pattern: all the time I can see only one picture, not the real world.
Our "favorite" complexes
The most common complexes (but rather just more noticeable) is a complex of inferiority and guilt complex. The first is based on the fact that people subconsciously thinks that he is something worse than others, and this translates into dissatisfaction with their appearance, age, social status, character. The guilt complex is a representation of a person that he take some of the blame to others that he is not doing for them or does not, excessive feelings about one's own actions. So, let's list the most popular female model complexes.
"My appearance leaves much to be desired". This complex is mostly female, but men are subject to it not less. It is a manifestation of an inferiority complex. Statistics says that almost 100% of people are dissatisfied with at least one detail of her appearance, and 40% feel about this complexes. The consolidation of these systems contributes to the fashion industry. All the skins, posters, TV screens, we see advertising beauty with beautiful hair, slender bodies, velvet skin, and everything else, what you can only dream of. We are all surrounded by this "advertising material", but all have complexes? Of course, no.
For example, many women are overweight. One that does not experience in this occasion complexes, is to buy fashionable clothes, flirt with him and only sometimes to think that you could lose weight. That problem would be to assume that she needs to dress in a grey hoodie, "hide" flaws, to be afraid of communicating with men, prestigious job search, thinking over her will laugh. T.e. the behavior that led complex, characterized in that a certain "lack of" subject to a lot of things in life. Multi-billion dollar fashion industry and care just pursues this goal is that women are looking for (and found! ) disadvantages. Because then they just run for a new shampoo or office to a plastic surgeon, and certainly for clothes. We are led to the idea that if we will seek to "ideal", you'll be happier in your personal life and career, but it's not! The real men (at least the vast majority) are completely different selection criteria followers. To understand this, it is enough to go outside, where couples go completely "non-advertising", but happy men and women.
What to do? To stop to focus on "ideal", because the ideals are also changing with enviable regularity. You should try to focus on the strengths of their appearance (and they have each! ), and perceived disadvantages to make a "highlight". Of course, if you want, you can work on your appearance: to enroll in a gym, consult with your doctor about the diet that you will be fit, or to make a fashionable hairstyle. All this will help you become more confident. But we need to avoid thinking in the following way: "I will lose weight (increase hair will increase the breast), and immediately become more successful". Complex from these measures is not going anywhere, he will surely find what you need to improve before getting the "right to happiness". You first need to understand that something that bothers you to be more successful, is in the head. First you need to love yourself, your body the way it is, then measures to improve their appearance will be a welcome addition.
"I'm getting old". If you think that this set captures women after 50 years, you will be surprised to learn that 20-year-old girl anxiously looking at his face the first signs of aging and are jealous of the "younger" people 16-18 years who have "yet to come". These experiences are manifestations of the same inferiority complex. Inside women as "ticking" clock. This complex could also be laid in childhood, when she watched her alarmed mother and desperately molodyascheysya grandmother, who tried to stop time. And now it is her turn. Now the woman (even if she is 25 years old) thinks it's already much too late, afraid to look ridiculous, and more. Some even stop smiling, not to "make" new facial wrinkles.
What to do? Look around and find examples of women much older than you achieve success in your career, learn to drive a car and begin a workout in the fitness club. Believe in yourself, as long as life goes on, you can catch a lot. External signs of aging is difficult to "escape". So the only true way to learn to accept the changes in their appearance with dignity, do not forget to care for themselves.
"I have a bad temper". This complex also come from childhood, and early childhood, when parents were dissatisfied with the natural changes in our mood and noted this phrase: "what a character! " Since then we have received a lot of evidence for this, beginning with kindergarten and ending the relationship with your partner. Ideas about the "difficulties" of your character is also a manifestation of an inferiority complex. We are confident that "so we are, though, and regularly suffer from their own temper, or stiffness, or inability to establish new contacts, or excessive pliability. But perhaps these traits are actually not as strong as it can be seen through the prism of our complex?
What to do? If the question is about the character really care and want something to change, then there are all the possibilities. First, refer to the psychologist, in order to test and build your psychological profile. It often turns out that the supposed "flaws" is simply the advantages, but expressed too (as parsimony and frugality, as indecision and modesty). And in this case you will need to work hard, just to reduce the intensity of quality, but not to "dig" it. It happens that imaginary flaws help us in one sphere of life (for example, a certain rigidity in business), interfering in the other. Deciding to deal with this quality, people at risk of becoming less successful in business. Therefore, what is considered "flaws" that need to be addressed very carefully, because they are the continuation of our strengths.
"I'm a loser" This complex is also one of the favorite as women and men, and this is a manifestation of the same inferiority complex. Some people are disposed to be too focused on the achievements of others, while significantly downplaying their own. "Masha wonderful salary, and I - no, "Katya Has already two children, and I even married can't go out, "Someone travels to the Canary Islands, and I'm only on the country". The ladies engaged in housekeeping, may be formed complex Housewives" who is that woman "rotates" in the circle routine household duties that are not valued by her family, is going through because of lost opportunities. The conclusion is obvious: I'm a loser. And then the conclusion is as follows: "I am a loser because...". "Loser" is, in fact, complex-generalization, and then in the course are a variety of arguments: "failed" appearance, and bad character, and age and gender. The complex is a misfit does not depend on social status or family status, or the amount of money. It has some prerequisites, they will show up in women who have a good position (because someone else is better), and the wife of General (after all, she is not the wife of the Marshal). As one housewife is happy, having found himself in the arrangement of comfortable life, and will never get about this complex, and a woman with a great career to consider himself a failure, t.to. someone may not work.
What to do? If you have done this step and confessed himself to be a loser, but now you need to prove yourself otherwise. Stop envying and collect the successes of others. It happens that for a large pile of rubble is difficult to discern the precious stone. Your success should be your important and precious. Man is defined as "winner" or "loser" to fulfill the goals that he sets. If people set a goal to make a million, but could only get half of it, he is a loser. If you are planning to embroider cross-stitch picture and did it, then you are the winner. Therefore, in order to cure himself from his own set of brands "loser", you need to learn to set achievable goals and to praise themselves for their implementation.
"Me no one can love". Variants of this complex is "I always throw", "I married unbearable". It is also a "generalizing" complex, because a woman (or man) comes to this disappointing conclusion on the basis of other complexes (facial imperfections, age, character). Complex that grows from a child "nedolyublennoy" from earlier conflicts with parents, this is again an inferiority complex, "seasoned" with guilt. Not seeing the proper participation of the most dear people, we, as children, have built up a strong fear that we are not to love. Women, led by the complex, eager to get married, having good looks, but men run away from them. Too obviously they "hunt" husband, not believing that they can love. And sometimes simply refuse to communicate with the opposite sex, avoid courting and meeting new people, confident in advance that they are not for that love, and in the end they will be disappointed.
What to do? This deep problem difficult to resolve. If you suspect yourself this complex (and he is one of the strongest and most frequent), find an opportunity to consult a psychologist or psychotherapist.
Guilt complex. Very popular complex. To show it can in a variety of forms, but always he declares itself the internal guilt to others and the feeling that we are somehow not good enough for them. Options are: "I'm a bad mother because I work a lot, or not play, or not drive a child to the theatre and so on)", "I'm a bad wife because...". A woman can be considered a bad daughter and a bad employee. In General, internal guilt complex, if it exists, will find their manifestation. The stronger it is, the more areas where it occurs. This complex is associated with the ideal images that live in my head a woman: it is the idea of what should be "perfect" mother, wife, daughter.
What to do? Paradoxically, try to form a new complex of guilt... to yourself! Start to mark where you are "guilty" for not enough rest or not taking the time on what you like personally to you, without trying to benefit others, which is not too sure that you feel comfortable. Of course, it is not necessary to go to extremes, but want you to know that every day there are time that you can spend on your business, and the blame may feel those who do not give you rest. Love yourself, learn to see and appreciate their own desires, do them, driving away the guilt. Then you will be able to perform all of its many roles, because it will have more energy.
Personal responsibility
When it comes to complexes, one might get the impression that they are quite difficult to remove. Yes, it's true, because we lived with them for many years. But "difficult" does not mean "impossible"! All our complexes is the difference between "I'm real" and "I-ideal". Through the prism of our complex real advantages appear distorted and ideal - too unattainable. This gives rise to an internal anxiety and dissatisfaction. Some begin the race for value, buying all cosmetic innovations, becoming a regular plastic surgeons, exhausting yourself in the fitness club. Others just suffer quietly, being sure that their own shortcomings, they will not win. We will present the steps that will help you combat systems and we illustrate them with the example of Larissa. But first her story.
Larisa was always full girl, and in adolescence, it has become a serious complex, which prevented her to meet with young people, do you love her figure skating and going to discos. The Institute complex only gained strength. Once Larissa heard that her favorite actress at the height 164 cm (and such was the growth and Larissa) was the entire weight of 45 kg, It became her obsession. The girl sat on a diet, but to no avail. The idea that it is too full, prevented her to communicate with people. When Larisa received the diploma of Manager, advertising and marketing, she decided to fight with his complex, because, according to her, depended on her career.
The first step: razvenchivaet ideals. The first and most important condition of victory over any complex - is to overthrow their own ideals. We should not strive to be "perfect" employee, "ideal" mother, "perfect" daughter, to dream about the "perfect" appearance, because this is the way of the obtained complexes. Than nedostigenie ideal, the more complexes.
At the first stage Larisa should understand that the ideal of harmony is largely imposed from outside. The complex manifests itself stronger, the higher the bar "ideal". For example, those parameters that have chosen to Larissa, were hardly in principle achievable, given the fact that all women in the genus Larissa had the extra weight. So first you need to make efforts to stop comparing yourself with some real "standard". However, abandoning the ideal, it is possible to save a goal of improving its shape.
The second step: learn to love your own imperfection. In order to learn to forgive myself "imperfection", it takes time and training. As soon as your head starts to sound the phrase: "we need to be better" or "I'll never be such a..." - pay attention to them, because the complex again "slips" you thinking ideals. And at this point need to ask yourself the questions: who I need to become ideal? who created this perfect way? if he needs me? Tell yourself: "I don't need to be perfect. I'm alive, real. Gradually you will learn to get pleasure from recognizing their own feelings and desires, allowing himself to be "alive" and not seek to cold ideal.
The next step for her is to learn to love yourself this. The main idea: "I have a right to be who I am". We need to look at your complete friends, just people on the street, especially those who know how to choose clothes and look organic. Need to start training in these skills.
Step three: defined priorities. When we learn that we can be imperfect, we will be able to understand what is really important to us. And, of course, you find that something we would like to change in yourself. Not to "serve," and in order to improve relations with people who were spoiled by our complexes. For someone so priority will be to work on your own character, and someone will need to find new bases of self-awareness, finding charms in their age, size, appearance, femininity. Choose 1-2 main line for such work.
Now, psychologist, approached Larissa, I recommend following her line of further work: first, we had to overcome internal self-doubt, and, secondly, to start smoothly, not raising his fast results, adjust the weight. Larissa decided to heed the advice of an expert.
Step four: set achievable goals. If your feature is really stopping you in life, you need to set a goal and work on yourself. Suppose, over excessive uncertainty or habit of worrying. The big goal should be divided into small steps, each of which will be perceived by you as achievable. It is always easier to make a small step than to decide on the jump.
Larisa sets objectives: training of self-confidence, because it consisted entirely of small steps-the goals that were achievable. In the direction of adjustment of its weight Larisa, after consultation with the dietician has set a goal to lose weight for six months 5-6 kg, because this weight loss was most physiological and stable for its weight and health. The doctor has planned for her a series of sequential steps that will lead Larisa to the result that was desired (and, more importantly, achievable! ).
Step five: praise yourself! One of the main conditions of the anti-complexes is the formation of a new, positive attitude. It is important to learn to praise yourself for a small, but very important achievements. Here is the same situation when "itself does not boast, no one will praise you". Learn to love yourself, love (even if it's to yourself) is a source of powerful energy that allows us to set goals and achieve them.
Moving together with a group of people on the training of confidence having similar problems, Larisa was glad his little victories, and was also inspired by the success of others. She did not forget himself to praise, and was for that: during the training Larisa managed to find a job. And the weight started slowly, but steadily to creep down, and within six months the loss was 7 kg, which became the pride of Larissa and another coin in the Treasury of her confidence. The complex was handed over their positions.
Even if our systems were inculcated with us for years, and then was maintained our environment, that is no reason to live with them on. The most important thing is how we perceive themselves. Now we are old enough and independent, to take responsibility for their own life for themselves. Really only thing that matters is: do you agree to stay with their systems or ready to work on them. No man, no matter how confident and successful it may seem, is not free from internal contradictions. It is important to realize the responsibility for their own future, and how it is now, it depends on you.
Author:
Moskalenko A.
Source:
Mother and baby
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