There are women whose sole purpose is to find and to "tame" a married man. Why do they do this? What do wives if their happy marriage stand "rozluchnytsi"? Advises the candidate of medical Sciences, psychotherapist, Professor of the Institute of psychoanalysis at the Moscow state University Alexander Moiseevich Poleev.To accept me twenty-eight-year Julia brought two friends. Both were very nervous, and Julia exuded calm. "Doctor, well, explain to her that she's crazy, she must be treated. Been friends with her for fifteen years, with the ninth grade. Look at her: beautiful, educated, dressed tastefully and still not married. I had a second marriage, Galya year ago came out, and she even groom not normal. Because all her life she only married men meet. As in the eleventh grade fell in love with physics, so still he can't stop it. Seven or eight men she had, as one married and the other half with the children. Help her to recover and get married".
Girlfriend, "passing" me Yulia, was gone. The client was with me Frank, because she often thought about his problem. "I don't know why, but I was always interested in only those men who have a family. They seem to me interesting, meaningful, and significant. And young people without a family I perceive as cute boys with whom it is possible to go to the cinema or a concert, but seriously to meet, ever.
Friends say that I'm trying to split up a family, it's a joke. The fact that I don't want to get married. You probably don't believe it: after all, every woman wants to create a family, have children. Or will think me crazy... but I'm telling the truth. Yes, I loved their men, perhaps even too much - but to live together I don't want. And about the baby I haven't decided yet.
Tormenting me conscience in relation to the wives of my lovers? Yes, sometimes very strongly. My biggest love was Oleg - I then studied at the fifth course, and he was forty. In his arms I felt what most women probably do not dream.
But when he told me that his nine-year-old girl suffering from diabetes and wife gives all the power to cares about it, I found the strength to say Oleg "no". Then "no" I am a few months out of the depression, the first two weeks just lying on the couch in a black, ate nothing - but did not call him.
Honestly, I would like to meet man free, not bound by the family - but what if the "free" does not make me feel any feelings? "
These mysterious women
Research Robin Norwood, Patrick Carnes, Louise Kaplan, and many other therapists, including myself, showed that "lovers of family men" can be clearly divided into two groups. Women of the first group are seeking for married married: they patiently develop and deepen intimate relationship with them, translating "affair", sometimes just random for men relationship, serious relationship or even in a new marital Union.
Beauties of the second group are married does not strive. Yes, contrary to popular belief, there is a category of women who don't seek to create a family. Although sometimes, over time, they desire to have a child. Such women a bit, but their share of the female population is slowly but surely increasing.
Yes, of course, in his unwillingness family life they never recognized. On the contrary, his relatives and friends, they constantly talk about how they want to get married, as I dream about the family. But there are and they love married men, most often firmly married. According to them, "it just so happens, they have no power over them", they would prefer as the object of their feelings freely, but "lawless heart". Over time, and others, and for them it becomes clear that they deliberately exclude from your life potential suitors.
Women in both groups have a common trait: they appreciate men " married with children " and wouldn't put those who are not yet married. Happily married they seem to be substantial, solid, reliable; unmarried frivolous and superficial. And such appreciation of the men is found in them from a young age. As a rule, they raised a single mother - though sometimes their childhood was spent in full, but cold, formal families where the real emotional relationship with the father they never had.
When using deeper research methods reveals that they do not believe in their own ability to properly assess the man, to understand his character and his values. They can love a man only when its value and its place in the male hierarchy defined by another woman - his wife. In addition, they generally bind only to socially successful, successful men are losers they really don't care.
Women of the first group tend to marry happily married married, I want to create a family with someone stable, decent and trustworthy. And very often they do it: I am constantly impressed with their patience and perseverance. Affair with a married man in many cases, is associated with discomfort and even humiliation: the weekend he spends with family, calling him only to work, bye infrequent and sometimes frustrated. But our "hunters" suffer all, even the "cool-downs" with their wives. In the end, the lover realizes that such a loving, loyal and spirited woman he will never meet - and creates with her family.
Women of the second group married not try usually for one of two reasons. The first of these entomophobia, subconscious fear of close emotional contact. This complex is always formed in early childhood, in cooperation with impulsive, often sharp and blunt parent of the opposite sex. Subjectively, it manifests itself in tension, anxiety and even fear when living together with a man and a powerful need for termination of relationship in a year or two.
Another reason, occurring much more frequently - psychasthenia, special character, which is based on increased mental exhaustion. Suffering from her ladies realize that life together with the man, taking care of him, standing with him communication and interaction, the child's upbringing for them too load, they do not "pull".
Psychasthenia is often combined with high mental abilities and subtle emotional organization. Women with psychasthenia have to explain to ourselves, family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances, why they can't deal with marriage. Of course, it is impossible to say to someone: "you Know, I psychasthenia, living together with a man I can not afford! " - no one wants to admit their own failure, especially in such an important sphere of life.
And here an affair with a married man is a "magic wand". " I really want to get married, but I fell in love with a married man and don't want, can't destroy his family. It is better to remain unmarried, but to be with someone you love. Yes, I have suitors, but I don't need anyone". The argument "I love Bob and don't want to be with anyone else, even if loved to be impossible in our Russian culture is a "sacred cow" and is not subject to any criticism.
Psychasthenia can live in peace: everyone thinks its normal woman just out of luck I fell in love with a married man.
By the way, psychasthenia has the property years to 30-33 take place, and then the opponents of marriage become its ardent supporters, but to create a family at this age are already a little bit harder.
New look
"The hunter married" has always attracted the interest of psychologists and psychotherapists. We were attracted by the mystery of this phenomenon, the origin of such unusual features of the female psyche. Passion for family men causes many injuries and mental injuries.
Unmarried women generally more psychologically vulnerable than married. It's not just the lack of emotional support for her husband, but also that they are deprived of the opportunity to learn from the men of his steadfastness, his protection from those injuries. To emulate the best qualities of each other genders can only in marriage, and marriage happy and long. Any novel, even the most passionate, so significant mutual "learning" does not.
Of course, we can help "lovers married" to cope with trauma, but can't deliver them from the main problem, cannot switch their interest to free men.
But in the last decade the interest in ladies, constituting the subject of our conversation, has significantly increased. After all, one of the most important psychological problems these days is the problem of the collapse of Mature families, existing for over 15 years. Needless to mention that for abandoned wives, mainly forty years, leaving her husband is a tragedy from which they usually can't recover from, and for many years carried out in a severe depressive state. Today is falling apart every fifth of Mature family, but this value is steadily growing. And, according to sociologists, in fifty years, the husband will leave every third forty year old woman.
We, psychotherapists, traditionally seen the root of this problem in men, the specific features of the male psyche. But now researchers from different countries began to find an interesting phenomenon: men go not just for young women, and in half of the cases - for young women who are just married and was interested in.
Psychologists began to closely examine their behavior in these novels and found that most of them actively and professionally, but not straightforward to persuade another man to the care of the family. With the election a passion for " the party ", they gladly show them the wonders of intimate life that wives do not even dreamed of. For the sake of intimacy with "ochotniczej" husbands leave wives of the same age and live with young people.
And we see these young ladies now is not the innocent victims that have fallen in love already not young respectable men, and quite experienced and conscious "ochotniczej for other people's husbands, and the man is often in their lives is not the first, though the first to offer his hand and heart.
Tips psychotherapist
During the three decades of his practice, I am constantly faced with complete failure of "safety" wives who believe their marriage successful, and her husband is faithful, loyal and incapable of romance on the side. Such wives are peculiar state of "baukunst" a happy marriage. Remember that your husbands, whatever pet they may be, inherent interest to new women. And among the latter are the real "shark", is aimed at married men. Remember that the collapse of a prosperous family, the existing 15 or 20 years is not uncommon.
Do not keep her husband in a state of dissatisfaction, even if you are sure that the nearness of him almost not needed. If you've lost interest in the intimate life imitate him take the initiative.
Do not leave the husband of one for a long time, don't go on a long trip and not spend your vacation separately.
When an affair with a woman younger than you took, then behave reasonably. Scandals and quarrels only push her husband to care. Your task is not to insult the mistress, and subtly show that she is an ordinary woman, and leave for her family completely unreasonable.
If you can show her husband that the object of his passion had always had a tendency to be family men, he will be disappointed in his choice. Remember that your opponent has a very vulnerable place: she was always hunting for other people's husbands, and her sex life was almost no breaks. This fact may well be worried about any of the enamored man.
Author:
Ponomareva N.
Source:
Medpulse.ru
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