The child sometimes involuntarily uttered phrases and words that are likely to hurt us. How to treat them and is it possible to extract from them any benefit? Children and adolescents sometimes parents say unpleasant things. And not so important, intentionally done or not, to hear about ourselves the bitter truth (or truths) no joy to anyone."In spite of the proverb, and their mouth speaks not absolute, but only a partial truth, says psychotherapist Daria Krymov. But thrown in the hearts of "you're ugly" "you're bad" we perceive as objective characteristics of our personality. Our painful perception, annoyance, bitterness, confusion prevents us from noticing that in addition to aggression in children's words and some important message, something that forced them to open their mouth and speak the painful truth that bothers us".
So, an adult living with an unhappy feeling that he is anything interesting of itself is not, sooner or later, you hear the children confirm this his sorrow. Every parent knows how much effect such a "simple" statement: "you are old", "you're fat", "you are bored"...
Children tell the truth, proceeding from the real (at least for us) things. But not the whole truth - and besides, exaggerated, distorted, as if seen through a magnifying glass. Occurs unpleasant feeling that we see through those to whom we always want to look perfect.
"Our children know us better than we think, says Dariya Krymov. When they demonstrate destroying us with his remark, we take it seriously and, unfortunately, are often tempted to respond with aggression to aggression".
The main ideas of the children intuitively and accurately able to get through our pain points. They always (unconsciously) to catch what we're talking about. It is strictly not necessary to answer them in the same spirit - a blow for a blow.
Our body
Large belly and small Breasts, unfashionable clothes... They manage to find the point at which covered our complexes.
And this is understandable: not only do our children love us, but also learning, feeling, in particular, and what we would like to hide. "Our reaction they check your intuition, says child psychologist Irina Khomenko. In addition, kids will want to ensure that parents are able to cope with the peculiarities, which may themselves have inherited from them".
Often harshness and even cruelty with which the child speaks of the parent appearance, hides his desire to no longer worry about their own weight or facial features: "even If the mother is proud that she carnosa, I, too, don't worry"; "If the Pope does not Superman, but people like it and are generally happy with myself, and I'll be all right".
Their words may be generated and the Oedipal complex rivalry with the parent of the same sex: the child was beneath his dignity to "draw" the attention of the other parent.
Tatiana recalls with a smile the words of my seven year old daughter: "our teacher is so beautiful, what if dad saw it, he would rather you married her! " So frankly want to eliminate the "competitor" boys 5-11 years, not without pleasure point to the imperfections of their fathers. "PA, you have the belly just like the Shrek! "says eight-year-old Grisha. What dad still finds the strength to reply: "I don't know, but mom, I like it as it is! " And this phrase puts in "Oedipus provocation" point. "At your age tight jeans - it sucks! " Faina, 13
Teenagers ready even more disastrous phrases on the topic of parental appearance. And they even more, because talking with the full knowledge of the case. Today, children often choose the target of the desire of parents to Molodets", to be on a par with the young and teenagers endure it with great difficulty.
"Their poisonous remarks on this subject - it is a protest against the violation of the boundaries between generations, and the name of the parents, which may impinge on the role of sexual rivals their children - reflects Daria Krymov. This appeal: "Look at his body: he is not a 20; now it's our turn to be young! "
The teenager it is important to feel the distance with an adult, no its annoying. "And what, it is expensive to remove this lump on your nose? " Olya, age 7
Even if you are very hurt by the remark of your child, the worst thing you can do is to repay him in kind. "For a child it can become a deep injury, warns Daria Krymov, even if you spoke in comic form and did not wish him evil. To answer correctly, you need to hear the message of the child and to find these words and tone that will match his age and the substance of his remarks. To answer we need a calm, confident voice, friendly, but not ingratiating manner".
Our upbringing
"My eight-year-old son said: " if you went to our school and the teacher heard you driving swear, you would have immediately kicked out, " says 39-year-old Natalia. I thought: "well Done! " We do not allow him to utter harsh words. But it was not what to answer him, just laughed to change the subject".
A few words, the children put us to view the educational blunders that we adults inevitably make in everyday life. And often, marveling at their insight, we hesitate not finding what to say in response.
Undue punishment and their unexpected cancellation; rules, which does not fulfill those who have established them; parental disagreements in matters of education... the list of our regular "weaknesses" is not complete. The child catches everything that has to do with it. And as soon as he sees a gap in the parent system of education, he uses it in their own interests. "I've grown to wash the dishes, and even a little to decide what I'll eat, " you herself and understand! " Manya, 10 years
But the children put their parents in an awkward position not only for their own profit. Parental inconsistency creates in the child a sense of vulnerability," explains Daria Krymov. "To feel safe, children need to understand and anticipate events, to rely on rigid rules and guidelines - adds family therapist Katherine Khmelnytsky. - This is why you should never leave such words without an answer. Parents should admit their mistake, but not to switch on the self-flagellation. Excessive expressions of remorse can give the child an exaggerated sense of his authority. And he can never take the position of judge. He should continue to consider those parents who really knows what's best for the child".
So, the parent may admit: "it Seems that your words are true, but you're still exaggerating" or "Yes, probably, I was a bit rushed...", "You to me all the time under pressure, because I was on deuces studied! " Maxim, 11 years
From our children we always demand the truth, and when they are confronted with our own lies, they resent it. Parent deception, says child psychologist Vladimir Losev, "can be justified, if its purpose is to protect the child, at least temporarily, from too strong shocks. Much less the right parents who hide any key information, for example about its own origin or what happens to him (change of school or place of residence, moving to the grandmother...)".
If a child accuses us in the distortion of truth in everyday situations... it is better, having embarrassed to admit that we probably did it out of laziness or fear. The idea of such human weaknesses helps children to learn in our life, few things are hopelessly black or perfectly white. Children build their own identity and for this test the "building blocks" - the life and moral values that are important to their parents'
Our transactions with you
"You can't do it! "You've promised! "... Sometimes we go against the rules, are rude, broken promises. To take and endure the reproaches this is always very difficult. Especially parents, do not want to be those who gives the child a bad example! "Children build their own identity and for this test the "building blocks" - the life and moral values that are important to their parents, " explains Irina Khomenko. Children want to understand how these principles and rules work and why their parents violated.
If such violation was a single, they calm down, making a fair conclusion: nothing and nobody in this world is not perfect. If such incidents are repeated, they will need clarification about what actually happens." "You cancel your words, when it is convenient for you - this is justice? " Grisha, 14
Offensive words our children cause us pain... and give reason to think about what our shortcomings they say - real, imagined, exaggerated? "To understand how fair our portrait paintings of children, it is always very difficult, " says Daria Krymov. - You need to pay attention to several issues: what is this caustic phrase in response to any particular offense? Repeats itself? "Every time I have to go to my grandmother, you have a headache or back. And you think she'll believe? " Lera, 10 years
Do you feel that it is more fair or, on the contrary, it is absolutely unfair? One thing is for sure: you need to find the time to think about". Slightly cooled down, we must make it clear to the child that we heard him ("Yes, in your words there is an element of fairness, now I understand what's bothering you"), and then call him to order ("However, as you are with me now, I say, is unacceptable, try to speak kindly"). Finally, we should remember that the attacks against parental habits and lifestyle, values and drawbacks to help children and adolescents gradually separated from us in order to eventually start your own adult life.
"So the children explore that from the parent baggage for them to integrate into their lives and what they refuse, sums up the age psychologist Samir Pavlova. And parents should always remember that children and adults do not antagonists and not enemies, in their interests to get to know each other." Offensive words from the mouth of our "babies" just again remind us how severe, and so the saving truth: only parental love is blind. About child it will not tell you.
Source:
Wday
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