The secret to a strong relationship? What makes a woman truly wise? That allows you to keep the family together in spite of all life's storms? ... One day, after twelve years of marriage, my husband said to me, "When I was a young man dreaming about what I will have my family, I even can not imagine that it would be so wonderful."
Over the years we both came to the conclusion that building relationships with your loved one is a constant and tedious work. It requires patience, tact and understanding.
I have no formal psychological education, so everything below will be discussed can be attributed to the practice of psychology, based on personal experience. All the tips are purely Advisory in nature. And they fit you or not is up to you.
Ninety percent of my men in one form or another expressed this idea. The remaining ten believe that woman will belong to him entirely, i.e., roughly speaking, go into his private property and will become addicted to his desires and needs. If you are involved in these same ten percent, you can only sympathize: experienced previous four-year marriage to such conditions. And with the remaining ninety-will go a very serious conversation.
Let's start with the fact that the stamp does not mean anything. If he wants to leave, no printing will not stop. And once "married" we need, and relationships to build should the interested party.
Before I moved things to my current husband, we had about this conversation. Then I came to visit him with the baby for three days (and he lived in the moment with nine-year-old daughter), "hung" for a week, she wanted to go home, sat down to have tea on the track.
You know, the longer I have you live, the less I want to go away, " I told him.
"Well don't go away - totally phlegmatic he said.
"What do you mean don't go away"? - I was surprised. - Like sentences to remain was not.
"And you do not bother me, just quietly gave it.
The hurt and resentment raged at me for a few minutes, and then I suddenly thought: it is so great that two adults (I'm 28, he's 32), each with its own habits, "kooky", Outlook on life, and children came together and each other do not interfere!
We have registered the marriage only after four years. Grandmothers from both sides insisted that the child should be adopted, and without a stamp in the passport it is impossible. Before the wedding I was very nervous, it seemed now appears stamp and everything will change. Nothing has changed, even the child is not adopted. And all, including the children happy.
Too carefully we first years had built up a relationship. Talk could through the night, to dig into themselves to each other was possible, "cockroaches" from the subconscious into the light of God to save them. All may not pulled, but the majority of the complexes to get rid of each other helped. Familiar professional psychologists even wondered sometimes: "Guys, how do you feel after such a psychoanalysis? No headaches, for example? " Didn't hurt. Because we did it consciously and fought each with its own shortcomings, and not with strangers. Each of us wanted to change that loved one was easier to live.
The biggest mistake on the part of women is that many people think: now we are all bad, but after the wedding, things will change, I'll change. What is the basis for this belief is not clear. Do not tell lies yourself. As practice shows, since the beginning of family life, all disagreements and problems only worsen. Such a marriage is usually a risk of collapse and in most cases this ends.
Therefore, the most important advice: do not rush to get married. Or learn to take a man as he is, with all its pluses and minuses. One of the two.
And to change and to change in this world can only be yourself. And here are a few tips on how to do it. I will not say "do this and everything will be fine. We are all different, and universal tips on this topic does not exist. So let's go to the contrary:
What not to do in order not to spoil the relationship with the beloved man
Rule 1. Don't forget that you now not one. Most of all the relationship between people destroys ignorance when the man comes home, and no one meets him, nobody is happy. Maybe that's why men often give birth to dogs: this is where sincerity from ears to tail! Or mistresses...
Rule 2.
Don't expect that he will guess. Often the problem comes when our fantasies and expectations rise sharply differ from reality.
Let me explain: you had hoped that when he returned from work, your husband along the way will buy you flowers, but he didn't. What happens next? Here is a sample script, which is used by many women.
You pouted and all evening offended spite. For some time he tries to find out what happened. You are at this moment decided that he has to guess what his fault, so won't talk. He doesn't understand. You are arguing. The evening is spoiled. Photobank Lori
There are such situations? At every step! One day my friend even left her husband due to the fact that he didn't do, and then not have guessed what she was offended. After an hour of conversation gradually led her to thinking: why have you decided that he would do so? "But he must... " Logic is recovered only after my phrase that nobody owes anything to anybody. She thought for ten minutes, then called my husband, and under the pretext of returning the keys to the apartment went to put up. Still together and happy.
Rule 3. Do not discuss with a man serious issues if he's hungry. Remember in the fairy tales: you me at first, feed, water, bath paper. And even Baba Yaga in the find a common language with the most aggressive Ivan Tsarevich.
Rule 4. Don't try to solve it for him, as he will be better. He's a grown man and somehow lived without you all these years. So he has the right to decide what to wear, where to go, whom to befriend, how to relate to their parents and so on and so forth Imposing man your solution, you infringe on his freedom. And men of this Oh so not much! Therefore, taking a decision, think about it: and is it your problem?
Rule 5. Don't strain!
There is a category of women who, if something is necessary, it should be done yesterday, well at least very second. This woman is absolutely indifferent: tired whether man, does he have plans of their own at this time. She needs! All come on and do it! For some time he will even tolerate, and then probably will explode and you will get a serious scandal. To get you any man, no matter how patient he was not.
Rule 6. Don't be a bore. On the street may day demonstration, all cheerful, happy, and she said, "Throw the Christmas tree... Throw the Christmas tree... " - an old accordion. We, by the way, the Christmas tree last year to October was. All friends before the new year with the same phrase came: "Oh, you have a new tree! ". Crane, again, may be a week. The tank on the toilet - even a couple of months. Over the years already so accustomed that it has even ceased to irritate. Anyhow he will ever make, why should I be nervous?! Easier, everything should be treated. And with humor.
Rule 7. Not like it - do itself.
Starts male nail - go away to another room and do not climb under the arm with useful tips and advice. Took the dishes to wash - sit quietly, but it still will remember that it is not men's work. Change then at least, if you do not like.
"How can you sit at your computer, when you have such a dirty window before my eyes. Get up and wash! Said once my friend to my husband.
To which, of course, had the answer:
"I don't care. And if it annoys you, take it and wash itself.
Rule 8. Not manipulasi. I remember in our first serious quarrel in a fit of resentment I said, "Oh! Then I go to my mother! " and things went to collect. Almost all gathered, and he put up some reason is not. Wonder: what am I actually doing? So it's true to the mother will have to go. Went to him, a mug of tea poured, as usual. He's a dark setting, frustrated. Continue the conversation:
Because you don't want me to leave?
- I don't want.
- Me without you is a bad thing.
- Me too.
"Then why don't you stop?
"But it's your decision. You have a right to it.
Apologized, took the suitcase and I never did.
Rule 9. Don't fuck yourself during an argument to insults. To put up with anyway, and resentment anchors somewhere deep and the next quarrel itself will show. The more such offenses will accumulate, the harder it would be to put up.
Rule 10. Do not refuse her husband sex.
He married and for that, too. If you have any health problems, you need to talk about this with my husband and consult a doctor. If you simply do not get pleasure from sex, read something on this issue is now considerable literature exists on this topic. If not helped, again - to the doctor. It's called sex therapist and knows in this area if not all, very much.
And especially don't use sex as a lever with which you can exert psychological pressure or concessions. No good such manipulation does not end there. Should not these long rake to try.
Rule 11. Don't humiliate yourself and the man with suspicion.
I know a huge number of jealous women who just poison the lives of their half. Such people are able to secretly check his pockets, view SMS-Ki on the phone, to get into e-mail. And even if any dirt is found, the worm of doubt the soul remains: what if he hid that I just did not find. It often occurs after the cooling of relations arising from any breach of the rules 1-10.
12. Any problem is solved, if about to speak to her. In 99 % of cases this rule works. If it doesn't work, it shall enter into force one of the two exceptions.
Exceptions
Exception 1. Can't change the situation - change your attitude to it. Remember, in the first year of living together, me wildly irritated scattered around the room dirty socks. Well it's hard to put them in a basket for dirty clothes, or at least in the package to collect? Explained, begged, argued, ironically - nothing changed.
At one point, suddenly thought: "But let it be The biggest Disadvantage, because he has not so much. And then suddenly another NIMBY around the head appears and the wings will start to grow". And immediately everything was falling into place: the problem disappeared! No, the socks are still lying around anywhere, I just stopped annoying.
I think he really Holy? No. Just at that moment his flaw I didn't like the most, so the rest didn't notice. After this came out: dishes not washing, food in the fridge does not clean it, fix the subject lays as mentioned above, in a long box and so on. But for some reason after making this particular decision, and everything else ceased to bother.
Exception 2. If you can't change the attitude to the situation, don't be afraid of divorce. It is sometimes the best way out. Why spoil each other's life, get on peoples nerves or make a beautiful face on a bad game, creating on the people the impression that you have everything in order. If the relationship is destroyed, worse from break no one will be. Says a friend: "Or live and don't complain, or do not live and do not complain". May each of you will find your love.
The most difficult thing at this point to abandon unwarranted expectations and make a decision.
Hope you kill first, they told me best friend when I left from a previous husband.
"But it was as good a year ago! - through her sobs were convinced I have it.
- And this year something in the positive direction has changed? - she asked a tricky question.
"No, " bitterly admitted to myself.
"And what makes you so sure that something will change?
Just really want to believe...
"I've been telling you: hope you need to kill first! - summed logical outcome friend.
This conversation happened a few times almost word for word. It's hard to break stereotypes, but helped: I went from becoming a stranger husband to the beloved man, now twelve years happy. And could still be hope for the illusive "someday", to try to save a ruined family for the sake of the child, and to suffer.
Maybe I missed something. You can find out by talking with my dear husband. But one thing I can say with confidence. This article before you get here, tested on a number of men and they all with one voice said: "All right! " Perhaps we should take into account the opinion of our "second halves" and make them happy. And along with myself...
Author:
Lagutina C.
Source:
Леди@Mail.ru
No comments:
Post a Comment