And as it so happened, why, Maybe someday we will understand.
How hard is it to build happiness one
How awful loneliness together.
Marina Tikhonova
Much has already been written about what in the soul is afraid of every one of us, even if not recognized yourself in this... This is the worst thing society is loneliness.
Usually, there are two "types" of loneliness: either nobody wants you or no one you need (but then you can say, rather, about self-sufficiency and independence). Emptiness, pain, despair, indifference, apathy, depression-this is not a full list of fixed satellite loneliness...
And if that's all you feel, despite the presence of a loved one?
"Loneliness is when incredibly lonely with someone who is near," said someone wise. And he was right. Terrible loneliness can only be alone together... What is it? The play on words? Unfortunate phrase? No, this is life! Because we live in society and subconsciously always looking society, sympathy, help, support, understanding. But, unfortunately, often do not find it all. The result is a heavy, oppressive sense of loneliness, of inadequacy and uselessness, despite all the trappings of a good life-home, work, family, children. In human life so little joys, and we often obremeniaet each other, not even wanting it. Because of fear of loneliness. As a result, poison the lives of each other so that alone remain.
All together
You are together. Here you go somewhere, holding hands, here to celebrate with friends the New Year, I'm going to a Birthday to mom... You don't fight, don't argue over trifles, not satisfied with scenes of jealousy each other, not talking on disturbing topics. You hardly talk... Just live together, so, out of habit, on the thumb script. And if one day you Wake up alone, no one will be next. Neither today, nor tomorrow, never... you Might even cry, PhotoSuite, will feel lonely. And realize that, in fact, always be lonely...
What happens?
You are different people. Before I wanted to change something, to read books on psychology and to work on myself, were talking till the morning, your hand in his hand. But then the heat diminished, everything was familiar and static. It must be, think you, here it is, stability. But for some reason don't want to run in the morning headlong into the kitchen to cook him fragrant coffee, ironed a shirt for a very important presentation to call all day, worrying, how did the meeting with the client.
I do not want... It's sick? The habit? Satisfied the need that someone was there? To leave? Yes no reason. All is well. You say, lives more than half of married couples. But is it good?
In such cases, sooner or later, the following happens: either one does not stand up and is looking for emotions on the side, or it suddenly catches up with "the greatest love in life" and he forgets about the partner and thrown in the pool with his head" -runs from joint loneliness... the Existing relationship has run its course and the continuation should not".
There is a third option-all still in their places. Why?
"It's better with someone..."
Psychologists believe that a person is very difficult to find new acquaintances, and when you break the old ties, there is a vacuum disappears even the minimum of communication, which is "organized" by a former partner. Here people live together because failed or are afraid not to be able to find another life partner -"better a bird in the hand..."
"Drink blood! To turn on the phone ..."
Trying to find your soul mate, because a person can not alone solve any underlying problems. In other words, desmodontidae. He needs to strengthen its vitality at the expense of someone, to assert themselves, to find a donor emotions, feelings, since he is unable to do it yourself. There needs psychological help, because truly strong pair-this is not a symbiosis of the donor and of the parasite, and the Union of two self-sufficient people with their personal space and range of interests. They do not look at each other, they look in one direction.
"All people"
That is the plan: to marry and have children. Can the dog. People focuses on domestic and financial matters, forgetting about the spiritual side of the Union. Although some of this side does not seem necessary.
Nothing in itself is not bad or good. It is neutral, and its positive or negative is determined by our attitude. Therefore, every person has freedom of choice and freedom of action. For example, how did our great-grandmother-great-grandfather? Even the word "divorce" was whispered and cautiously, because it was "not allowed", "indecent". And lived according to the principle of them accept-slubitsa" or simply tolerated friends and took everything for granted. So what, that's not something to talk about with a person in the evening, he likes to watch football, and you -"the circus Princess" that you have sex happens on Saturdays from 10 to 12, and once a week you twosite child to the grandmother and go each about his business?.. If it suits you, then why not? No unnecessary emotions and experiences, there is stability and habit. And what do those such things are not happy and who wants to change the situation?
To prevent or overcome this situation in several ways.
- Imagine the most terrible. Here it is: anyone never to meet. If you paint it yourself in all its glory. And then the decision will come by itself, you will realize that even if you will not meet, this is not the end of life.
- Remember: "to be with anyone" loneliness does not save, but only aggravates it. Should get rid of illusions and understand that the presence of family and relatives does not guarantee emotional protection and peace. Switch to themselves and to direct their love to themselves. Remember that interesting to you to communicate only with those who are pleasing to you.
- Once again-to communicate, to try to meet once a week with at least one new person (as recommended by psychologists), to maintain the tone, so to speak. And, by the way, in the process of self-discovery and self-improvement, suddenly, quietly, and love will creep.
- The best option and certainly effective to go to a psychologist (or with your other half, if you just want to be together, either one). The specialist will help you to understand yourself and to understand their desires.
Comment psychologist:
Each of us under the word "loneliness" understands something. Someone sees alone salvation, self-realization, their exclusiveness, and for another it is the feeling of uselessness and emptiness, collapse. The heroine of Susan Sarandon from the movie "shall we Dance?" they said: "Why do people marry? Because each of us really need to know that someone very important as we live, as occurs every day of our lives. So it was not indifferent though someone".
...Why people who were close, become strangers to each other? Is it possible in advance, when people decide to be together, to predict their life together? Of course, the question is now only about pairs, relations which were feelings rather than Mercantile interest. Perhaps between the partners in the "material" marriage will be respected, and the similarity of interests, and interest in the lives of each other...
But each of us is important, to whom interest in our lives, and a sense of satisfaction from this interest also going to be completely different.
What is the "just love"
It is a deep, relatively stable feeling between people, independent from each other, neither financially nor emotionally. From the object of love they do not need, do not want to remake it. They can live happily and separately, but it is so interesting to each other that each moment of life is experienced them twice-first alone and then together. In such relationships the partners will not feel lonely, because initially the relationship was created Mature personalities.
"I support you"
This neurotic love when people have the feeling, though with the loss, the departure of a loved one the whole world will be broken to pieces and existence will cease. This is a strong, bright, deep feelings that arise based on the similarity of the complexes, personal issues or, on the contrary, when the partner are those things myself so want to possess. In such tandem partners are to each other as "therapists", one allows their complexes at the expense of another. Figuratively it can be presented on the example of two match boxes, set at an angle to each other: if one remove, the second immediately fall.
Together alone
We are talking about relationships, which are based on:
fear of loneliness;
the desire to meet the expectations of the society;
in order to "old age have someone water file";
- to conceive and raise a child, etc.
All the cases in which it is appropriate to talk about the possible presence of state "lonely together" and, most interestingly, many people are very happy with and they don't see the problem.
Why is half of a pair feels lonely? If one starts to change, he is not fit under the standard complexes of another person, and the second feels lonely without seeing its reflection in a partner. If initially the eyes of a loved one see us is not real and the ideal, over time, will sooner or later be disappointed and as a result the feeling of loneliness.
People for 20 years is enough varies, because the personality develops till the last breath. And the partner's task is to see and understand these changes. You should try to be interesting for its mate and keep this interest. Laziness in feelings invalid.
It often happens that one partner is trying to adapt to another in order to be convenient for him. This is wrong. Our happiness is in our uniqueness, self-sufficiency. The main thing is to talk to each other and to hear each other, to notice and to support personal development partner. After all, people should be with you not just close together. Steam is an organization that develops and development occurs due to the crises. Planning for the future and implement General plans brings people together, but the lack thereof-on the contrary.
It is very important, if partners tell each other about their joys and problems. It may be criticism, and praise, and support, and sympathy. If interest continues to be life partner, then in a couple of things in order. A person's willingness to give something to the relationship, not only to take is an important factor. Very often people living 10-20 years together, to the question "what is happiness for your partner? " I don't know what to say. Stop-this is the beginning of destruction.
Out of every crisis there are two exits: people either leave, or build relations to a qualitatively different level.
The magazine "World family" June 2008
Author:
Anishchenko E.
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